I understand why the response would be somewhat disappointing because it seems counterintuitive to "withhold" help from you when it was hard to even get to that point to seek it. On that note you're really doing great, not least because you're doing this for yourself. Your remaining in the relationship is not a failure of any kind, it's not a sign of any shortcoming at all, you're still on the waitlist after all, they feel they can still help.
It's a good thing she was honest though - I think she was giving you the heads-up their specialized support might be a source of frustration rather than strength for someone who remains in a relationship. Perhaps you'd feel pressured into leaving and justifying your staying? It would not be acceptable for the counsellor to make coping with ongoing abuse easier to bear. It's a very delicate position to work with.
As many have pointed out, helping rape victims is a balancing act. Women who have yet to leave are in a different frame of mind because of the multitasking the relationship saddles them with. They need to actively cope. That means managing the abuse, minimizing the "damage" of the act as well as managing the buildup, surviving it emotionally as well as managing the abuser's emotions. It's like
That's what makes really makes it so traumatic yet hard to get out of - "enduring" it isn't enough to survive, there's actual managing of the partner involved. That's what you've been doing - not because there's anything wrong with you but because you're looking for ways to make sense of what is happening to you - active coping.
That's why women who remain are more likely to hold themselves rather than their partners responsible (like you briefly did when you mentioned the maternity nightgown). There's a need to attach meaning to the partner's acts, for example, "uncontrollable desire" or "love".
For the counselling to be at its most effective, there is no alternative to physically and emotionally distancing yourself from the offending partner who very often simply feels entitled to his wife's body anytime. It's a tall order to even dissect the strategies you've adopted, even more so to leave them behind.
You're already taking huge strides for her to feel like she can be upfront with you about ongoing abuse. All this means is that there is no one size fits all approach and those who can help you appreciate that you're in charge. It's all progress.