(TW SA) New support thread …

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Another thread full, still learning that things are not normal as I thought they were .

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5522581-tw-sa-new-therapist-new-thread

thank you everyone for being so patient and supportive ❤️

The worry is that one day he will go too far with the physical abuse and unintentionally kill you. It only takes one pressure point on the neck for you to lose consciousness.

This is a serious concern, frankly, if he's putting all his weight on you, and holding your neck at times. It would be so easy for something to go wrong, and him to not notice until it's too late and you're dead.

Really though, if he was that addicted and so unable to control himself, then he should be going to sex addict therapy, as it's a serious problem that's making him rape his wife.

I think this hits the nail on the head. I’m really sorry.

If sex is like a drug to him, he is not safe to be around you and he needs to move out until he is sure he won't rape or sexually assault you.

Poet, as others have said his masturbating near or on you is another form of assault and control.
He is completely ignoring your boundaries and showing you a complete lack of respect.
His behaviour isn’t normal; him saying that he needs sex as often as he does isn’t normal and if he really is addicted to sex he should take himself to counselling and not abuse you and use it as an excuse. His behaviour towards you is so awful and the fact that he’s tried to convince you it’s normal / you have a responsibility for it (you don’t!) says what a selfish abusive man he is. But you are starting to see that and push back - good for you; that’s huge and I don’t underestimate how hard that must be.

i can’t believe I am so easily twisted . I know inside it doesn’t feel right but he does it in such a way , he talks me round so easily. Feeling like such an idiot

Maybe this is my red line. I’m still reeling over it

He gave me a kiss before work and told me I’m beautiful and he loves me so much

And i actually just though you are a bastard sometimes

He has said before he thinks he might have a sex addiction. It was mentioned after he raped me the first time. He went to therapy for a bit with a male therapist who specialised in ‘male issues’ . I have no idea what he admitted to though

I have mentioned therapy but he says we can’t both have it at the same time for cost reasons

Poet, I know this is really overwhelming but it’s imperative that you start keeping a journal of what’s happening, so YOU can see the pattern. You must have been raped and sexually assaulted over a thousand times. This is so fucked up given your previous experience at 18.

You have gone into these details before. We are now on thread 6 or 7. (7000 comments confirming you are living with serious abuse). There’s a pattern. There’s escalating behaviour. He hasn’t changed anything about his behaviours. He makes himself the victim.

When is your next therapy appointment?

He is a bastard, and I’m glad you’re beginning to see it (although sad you continue to berate yourself over what’s happening),

I’m a bit wary of the sex addict/MH issues thing. Only because I fear you would cling to that as hope he would change, if he had therapy. He abuses you to control you, even if he backed off with sexual assault (which I don’t see) he would ramp up other methods.

The cost reasons thing sounds like manipulation, as he won’t be thrilled that you are having therapy and has no intention of going himself. I wont go on about the whole financial abuse side of it as I know we have discussed so much already, but sounds like there won’t be any changes there.

Really, the sex addiction angle is a distraction/red herring – it's him attempting to shift blame and control the narrative. He's financially abusive, emotionally abusive, controlling of you and the children, and has frightened/behaved abusively towards the children, in addition to the sexual violations.

Not only that, but even if he was a sex addict in addition to being an abuser, he's clearly totally uninterested in changing.

I'm sorry, Poet. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you to grapple with.

Poet, if you were doing something regularly to someone you claimed to love that was traumatising them to the point they were in therapy and frequently in tears about it… wouldn’t you seek help? Wouldn’t you be in therapy?

He has taken zero action. He’s watched you continue to go to therapy, continue to cry, continue to tell him you need a break from sex and done nothing to change.

The most ‘progress’ he has made is violently sexually assaulting you rather than raping you. And that’s only because he’d got what he wanted out of the situation.

This man will destroy you OP, living under this level of mental and emotional terrorism, let alone the sexual assaults and rapes, is not sustainable and WILL cause a break down at some point x

This is so good to hear Poet. He IS a bastard. How DARE he ignore you saying no, use his physical strength to pin you in place, prize your legs apart and sexually assault you. I can hear some anger in you now. This is progress from YOU, not from him x

I think therapy for him is a waste of time and money. He doesn't want to change, will likely spin a load of lies. I'm glad you are feeling stronger Poet and starting to see the wood for the trees.

You’re right actually, I was thinking that him inevitably dismissing her request for him to have therapy would help her see he doesn’t want to change.

But there’s too much of a danger he might do it (or pretend to do it) and then spin her lies eg saying his therapist said it’s not his fault / she should have sex with him etc.

Ignore my previous suggestion Poet, I didn’t think it through enough I’m sorry x

Poor chap. Has no choice but to rape his wife because he can’t afford therapy. The years and years he’s been forced to cope with his addiction, bless him.

Just to say you’re not stupid, I would be the same and try to look for any possible way it’s not abusive and an improvement. It’s like trying to convince yourself. How did you actually feel when he pinned you down Poet? I’m so sorry that happened to you it must have been scary.

The therapy comment is another manipulative dig at you. He’s going to start complaining that it’s too regular and costly because you are starting to stand up for yourself. You are a threat to his control. He will never change. He’s in his 40s. He’s got away with it and been an abuser for decades now.

I assume he still hasn't shared any financial information or this credit card debt?

he was seeming to pick up on my cues that I didn’t want to continue

This is not an accurate description of what happened though, Poet. I think you are so relieved that he didn't progress to intercourse that you are minimising what he did do.

He knew that you didn't even want to start. He ignored that. He ignored you moving his hand away from you. He ignored you moving your hand away from him. He then physically pinned you down to enable him to continue and escalate the assault to penetration.

if he really didn’t care he would have just gone ahead wouldn’t he?

He DID just go ahead. He held you down and penetrated you without your consent. This is sexual assault. It is a criminal offence.

sex addiction is BS, in my opinion. And actually alot of professionals say similar.

And its just an excuse, like the 'you are so sexy/ I cant help it' lines.

Please understand that although rape and sexual abuse have a climatic release to them, they are not primarily about attraction, love or sex - they are about power and dominance. They are nothing to do with the person who is raped, its all a self inward self love and excitement of how powerful they are, a type of narcissus complex, which aligns very strongly with the previous references I made about how he would be feeling good about the one upmanship over your father.

Im glad you are beginning to see that he is absolutely a bastard. I think there is a little crack happening in the mirror he is holding up to you that is supposed to reflect a perfect 'normal' marriage.

And I agree that last night was a deliberate mind fuck - exactly as others say, he had already violated you, very physically by using his strength to force you into a position that you could not have escaped from should he have chosen to continue. He had very clearly shown a 'fuck you' to the boundaries that you and your silly girl therapist had tried to exert over him, and then stopped and threw in a guilt trip as a little sweetie to try to force the focus back to poor him, with his sex addiction and everything, when you were already beginning to reel from what was going on.

I mean, he's good isnt he. He has learnt the book well, the Tate Bro dudes would be proud of him at how he has got away with it for so long and you are only beginning to put up any resistance now.

This is not to say that this is your fault. There is a reason men like this look for young girls who dont have any real life experience, and set them selves up as protectors and experts on life. He is a master manipulator, but thats not to say he is anything special. His type of abuse is sadly very common. And a great many of us here can totally relate to the position you are in where you dont know if up is down or left is right. This is normal because you are living in a complete Alice in Wonderland world, where things you thought were normal are completely upside down, and the perosn who you should be able to trust, is sadly extremely untrustworthy.

The good thing is that you are beginning to question, you do know deep down. You are coming out of the fog. And you will regain your own mind and be able to trust your own judgements. You just need to get away from him.

and also I would be wary of suggesting any therapy because I wouldnt trust him to engage in anything meaningful or even go. It would just be a way to manipulate you further, along with claims of what his therapist has supposedly said, as well as to centre him in the middle of the help you are getting to deal with the trauma he is inflicting on you.

I agree with Nettle. He thinks sex addiction is his get out of jail free card.

What he did last night was again a criminal offence, and the starting point for it would be prison, it's that serious.

I'm sorry Poet. I'm glad he did stop, but that's not excuse for sexually assaulting you in the first place.

Also, remember he's not necessarily stopping out of concern for you (or he wouldn't be doing it in the first place) but to minimise the chances of you going to the police, so it's a judgement about how much he thinks he can get away with before you snap.

Yes, he wouldn't be honest with his therapist anyway as he knows he's a rapist and isn't going to freely admit it, so what would be the point?

Well done though for your progress and your anger / disgust.

Quite. No point in therapy if you aren’t honest about reality, and is he going to sit across from a professional (or anyone) and describe how he’s been sexually assaulting and raping his wife every which way since he met her when she was 18? Is he fuck!

He doesn’t want to change, and he would never be honest about what he’s done.