(TW SA) New support thread …

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Another thread full, still learning that things are not normal as I thought they were .

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5522581-tw-sa-new-therapist-new-thread

thank you everyone for being so patient and supportive ❤️

Think about it - you’re relieved and grateful he sexually assaulted you instead of fully rape you. Little breadcrumbs he’s dropping to convince you he’s trying. He probably believes he did really well last night too. Stopped at the serious sexual assault level and refrained from pinning you down and coming on your chest like usual - what a stand up guy.

Yes I thought he was being a bit careful because he knows that you are talking therapy and beginning to put up a few boundaries. He is concerned that your therapist will identify what he believes you dont, and the risk to him is exceedingly high if you did call the police.

You have threads and threads here of expressing whats been going on, as well as your friend, and you have therapy and proof of speaking to WA. There is definately a picture here building up which would be more than 'he said/she said' if things ever progressed. It was one of the reasons why a GP visit was suggested, especially after the soreness.

You are actually getting to be in a powerful position, even if you dont realise it. Not that you are going to threaten him with the police, because that would be, I believe, life threateningly dangerous for you, but once you are away, its a useful dossier of evidence you can use to, for example, keep him away from you and allow you the space to recover. There is, as far as Im aware, no timeline on historic abuse. So maybe you could go to the Dr and add another bit of your safety net

It’s crucial you tell your therapist this week what happened factually, step by step, last night rather than describing it in a narrative sense.

So rather than ‘he left our bed so that he wouldn’t override my boundaries’ you need to say that you told him no, then he touched you, you moved his hand away, he moved it back to touch him, you moved it away again, then he used his strength to physical restrain you so you couldn’t move, then he prized your legs apart and penetrated you with his fingers. I think it’s REALLY important you tell her factually step by step what happened so she has full awareness of the situation you’re actually in x

When you had already said no sex for now; when you were almost asleep; when you had moved his by then pawing hand away:

He pinned you down by wrapping his legs around yours, prised your legs apart, then put his fingers inside you.

This was

1. Sexual assault.
2. Sexual assault by penetration.

Sexual assault by penetration
Sexual assault by penetration is a criminal offence and defined under section 2 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003. The offence can be committed by a person of any gender and requires the penetration of the vagina or anus by a body part (such as fingers or tongue) or anything else (such as a bottle or vibrator) without consent.

Sexual assault
Sexual assault is a criminal offence and defined under section 3 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003. The offence can be committed by a person of any gender and involves touching without consent where the touching is sexual. For example, the unwanted touching of someone’s breasts or a person’s genital area or buttocks, or unwanted kissing would be a sexual assault. The touching can be through clothing or anything else (such as a bedsheet) and includes touching done with any part of the body or anything else.

.

I am definitely not an expert on sex addiction, but the only person I know who claimed to have (friend's awful ex) was using that to justify cheating & "not getting enough sex at home". There's a reason no one connects it to rape - as many posters have pointed out, rape is about power, not sex. Soldiers committing rape as a war crime are not uncontrolled sex addicts.

Poet if he really was a genuine sex addict, he'd be out all over town trying to sleep with any woman he came across and probably using prostitutes, calling sex lines, endless porn, etc. But that's not what he's doing, is it? It's only you. He's not a sex addict. I'm so sorry you're going through this

Just so you realise I was not making that up out of my own general knowledge, I was quoting law about actual criminal offences.
University of Sussex
Legal Definitions of Sexual Violence
https://reportandsupport.sussex.ac.uk/support/legal-definitions-of-sexual-violence

And it doesn't make a difference that he has done "worse" before or he has done this kind of thing very frequently. Last night itself was a criminal offence.

I'm so sorry OP, last night he seriously sexually assaulted you. It doesn't matter that it wasn't as bad as what he's done before, it's still a serious criminal offence for which, if you reported him, he could well go to prison for.

If he truly has a sex addiction and cannot help it, he needs to seek therapy. He hasn't done it because he doesn't care, he just wants to use it as an excuse to carry on raping you.

Two criminal offences.
Sexual assault and Sexual Assault by Penetration.
and probably more:

Pinioning someone’s legs or lying on top of them so they cannot move is also a criminal offence.
Battery
False Imprisonment

Then there is the hands on neck thing he does. If you ever feel you can’t breathe because of that, or actually because ge is crushing you with his weight, that would be the crime of Non Fatal Strangulation.
Go to the GP if you get symptoms as a result of tgat.

From a Domestic Abuse Website.
Physical violence
This is the most visible form of abuse and can often be used by perpetrators to intimidate and cause immediate fear. Physical violence does not always leave a mark on someone’s body. Examples can include:

• Punching, hitting, slapping, pulling hair, biting, pushing, shoving, burning/scalding, poisoning, restraining, pinning someone down, strangling, using excessive physical force/pressure, objects being thrown.

This is from a domestic abuse support group DAVSS. www.davss.org.uk/types-of-abuse/

I missed this earlier but I’ve been wondering the same thing. They hated each other when I met him. He was probably only a year out of it . They lived together for a few years I think

he said all sorts about her being a drunk, abusive to him etc etc

Thank you for sharing this
It doesn’t make me feel any better of course but it’s helpful context

Big hugs Poet, it’s a lot for you to unpack, I wasn’t minimising anything by asking about Pj’s, I didn’t mean that to sound flippant. He has his own agenda what you wear has no relevance. My husband can tell by my pyjamas his chances.
Assume you have therapy on Monday, what do you want to talk through? I agree with other posters that you need to share exactly what happened as you have with us. You could write it down if it feels easier.
This is serious, it feels like it’s getting worse because it is. I also think your parents are just biding their time and would be ready to rescue you in an instant.
The other thread where the lady asked the police for advice and they arrested her husband, she is free now. You could be too x

That’s ok , I knew what you meant. I remember I was wearing a nightdress (albeit v unsexy maternity one!!) the night the very bad thing happened and I remember thinking about it afterwards like if i hadn’t been wearing that it wouldn’t have been so easy :(

Its not to do with clothes every I know that but it still crosses your mind

I will struggle to tell the therapist word for word what happened out loud - will she even want to know the details ?! One of the original ladies said I didn’t need to describe the event in step by step detail as it was just ‘reliving the trauma’ - just give her the headlines

This is a different woman though who I like. Maybe I could write it down

@PinkPoetAgain1i can’t find your last thread anymore - did you ask for it to be deleted?

I think writing it down would be helpful, and maybe easier for you than saying it out loud.
It’s not your fault and whatever anyone wears it’s not their fault. You know deep down that he would have gone ahead anyway.

Please please write it down and show her poet. Her not knowing the full event last night means she can’t give you the appropriate support you need in the session x

Thinking about it, I don’t think there will be a red line as such with how this may pan out. The behaviours are so endemic in your relationship that I think up until now you’ve had no choice but to accept them and I think that will continue. However what I think will actually happen is almost like a death by a thousand cuts. You will (and have been) start to realise that there are no ways left to explain his behaviour in any other way than that of an abusive bully. You will start to realise that his behaviour shows to you that he doesn’t think about you, doesn’t cherish you, doesn’t value you. And that, as I think you’re struggling with, is heartbreaking and a very hard reality to accept. But you are making steps towards that. And once that initial pain at the realisation dissipates you will be left with resentment and disgust and once that sets in you’ll start to really despise him. That will be when you’ll be more empowered to put motions in place to get out of the situation. You’ve started the journey already. You’re still here, engaging, listening and taking on board what is being said despite how hard it must be to hear. You’ve told a friend. You’re engaging with therapy. It’s a matter of time before you truly hate him for what he’s done to you and I genuinely think you’ll get there

Poet, I know this has been such a difficult process for you and you’ve come such a long way.
I understand you’re still working this through and I think you’re still hoping there’s an ‘answer’ I.e. something you can say or do that will fix him and make him act better. There isn’t unfortunately and there’s nothing you can do to change him. He is unlikely to change because his abusive behaviour is deeply ingrained and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
As PP said on your previous threads abusive men rarely change and, if they do, need to do this on their own outside of a relationship.
I know you’re not there yet and I’m not the first person to say this, but hopefully therapy can help you get to what you want to do - which is stay with him, understanding that this will not get better or change and is likely to get worse, or find a way to leave with your DCs. Like others, I hope it’s the second, and there are lots of people here to support you along the way as you work out what you want and need.

Maybe just copy the post you wrote above about what happened and show it to her? Do it on your phone so there's no physical copy he might find.

'he said all sorts about her being a drunk, abusive to him etc etc'

and it was only the other day that he was lecturing you about drinking too much wine...

and we know he considers any kind of even mild criticism to be a huge attack on him so...

The "crazy ex" is always such a massive red flag and PP has correctly identified that he would wage a campaign of character assassination when she leaves him. The only solution to that is not to care what he says.

Ok, let for a moment take his 'addiction' at face value. If instead he said he had an addiction to punching you on the face would you excuse that? Or would you say:

1. that's ridiculous, he's lying
2. if it's true, he needs to make sure he's no able to do it by removing himself, getting help etc
3. irrespective of whether it's true, it's not something I should have to put up with.

I assume that getting punched daily/several times a week for life would the something you'd think is ok, so why is it different if he's using his penis as a weapon rather than his fist?

Remember that his fist wouldn't be considered anywhere nearly as serious by police.

Yes it's been deleted at OP's request.

Hope your OK, sending support

Well done for saying no. Your preferences count, they really do.