(TW SA) New support thread …

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Another thread full, still learning that things are not normal as I thought they were .

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5522581-tw-sa-new-therapist-new-thread

thank you everyone for being so patient and supportive ❤️

Yes I definitely had some sort of nightmare I was sweating and shaking when I woke up. He said I had been shouting and he held me gently till I woke up. He looked pretty upset genuinely.

I told him I’ve been having nightmares often and he was sad. He asked if he could be given another chance to start again and he will change his behaviour and seek help. He mentioned going back to his therapist

I don’t know
When he talks I believe him

I hope I’m not being too alarmist here Poet, but is there any possibility that he could have been drugging you and raping you once asleep? The night terror story could just be there to cover tracks. You’ve said that you’ve been sore many times, and we know that he doesn’t wait for you to be ready. I sadly do think he’s a monster.

If you feel groggy drowsy, I’d phone 111 and go and get some blood tests.

This has been mentioned . I really can’t imagine him doing that and I don’t have any other indicators. I’ve been tracking my sleep

I do take migraine meds every week or so which make me sleep deeply but I don’t tend to mention when I take them

You are having night terrors due to PTSD caused by him repeatedly raping you, including in your sleep. Him cuddling and looking sad isn't making that better.

That is not "all ok".

Your therapist doesn't think you should ask him again about the finances, not because he may sulk or shout but because there is a serious risk he will escalate to seriously injure or kill you.

When he says he wants to start again, I think you should believe him. He wants to go back to the start of your relationship when you were a vulnerable, traumatised and impressionable teenage girl and much easier for him to manipulate with the techniques from his rape manual. He doesn't want to deal with the intelligent and courageous adult woman you are now who is starting to recognise and call out his bullshit.

Ok. Thanks for answering. I don't want to gaslight you but given his past form I do wonder whether he was assaulting you as you slept. However, given what you've been through it's possible it was a genuine night terror.

But the reason for the terrors is him and what he's been doing to you so you need to guard yourself against immediately centering him and how awful it is for him to see you have a night terror. That seems to be what you're doing - I may be wrong of course.

Is there any way of you sleeping where you can be 100% sure you are safe because this may help in the short term. Either he sleeps elsewhere and you have a lock on the room so even if your meds make you sleepy, you know you are safe. Or maybe a bed in your child's room.

I think that starting with feeling safe to sleep is something that may help you and although you think its not the case, you can't be confident because this man is a predator and with awful stories coming out, apparently men drugging their partners is not unheard of and would explain you waking up feeling sore on occasions.

Maybe your nightmares are your body reacting to this extreme stress and the inability to ever be able to fully rest so being confident you can sleep might be a good place to start and if he is asking what can help, this can. I think there needs to be a lock or physical barrier to have that confidence too.

I wondered about locking the bedroom door but I think it would be too easy for him to also lock Poet inside if he wanted to.

I remember when I've you did mention to him you were using them and you woke up to him raping you 😢.

He has repeatedly raped you for over a decade. Sexually assaulted you most days. Thousands of times. Literally.

In that time he's said sorry many times (remember the 500 sorrys in your phone). He's asked to start again many times. He continues to rape and sexually assault you.

I wish you could see the freedom you could have.

Why would him going to therapy stop him from raping you.
Is he really going to sit in front of a stranger and say that he rapes you on a frequent basis and sexually assaults you on an even more frequent basis - all because he ' can't help himself '

He already complains about paying for your therapy as he can't afford it ? to the extent you even considered asking your parents to pay for your therapy.

so he can't afford therapy for himself - can he
or can he and the money situation is not what he is claiming it to be - debts / credit card/s etc.

and of course

if he has to pay for his therapy he won't be able to afford to pay for your therapy, will he

so you would have to stop going to therapy...

If he really wanted to help himself he would

see his GP and admit he rapes you frequently as he ' can't help himself '
go to A&E and say the above
dial 111 or 999 and say the above

I rather think it's all talk and there will be no action on his part

He doesn't need "help" to stop raping you. He could just stop, but he doesn't want to. Only last week he was sulking and creating an atmosphere about a sex "ban" and continued to sexually assault you everyday. He could just not do that.

He doesn't even need to confess all to the police or anything, he could just stop but chooses not to.

When he asks for “a chance to start again” I read that as he wants the slate wiped clean so he benefits. Ie nothing can be “help over” him or make him feel bad anymore.

Surely if he meant this then he doesn’t need some big fresh start, he would just have changed his behaviour from the outset. He hasn’t though, because it is just words. He is trying to manipulate your image of him and make you feel sorry or grateful to him.

He wants a fresh start where nothing is held over him!

He's not interested in starting again. This is just more manipulation and lies. He held you while you had a night terror that he caused? Nope. He's CAUSING this, he doesn't get to sweep in and be the white knight, he just doesn't.

You've been there, you've been down that road and you know exactly where it leads. There is no "it's different this time", however much you want to believe that there is. He really is just that bad.

I know it sounds so backwards.
but I woke up feeling so scared and shaking but he was there hugging me (gently) and telling me it’s ok and I did feel like he was looking after me in that moment and I didn’t want to be alone

Sometimes he has been sleeping separately
to stop pestering

I’m afraid all this reminds me of how well my F sometimes cared for us when we were ill as children, whilst also at the same time sexually abusing my DSis and me. It made everything so confusing and led to us burying the memories completely. It also convinced my DM that he was a loving father.

The night terrors ring so many bells as well. I didn’t know what was a nightmare and what was real. (I used to convince myself it was a bad dream.)

I really wouldn’t trust what your H is telling you. Even if these were genuine night terrors (which wouldn’t be at all surprising with him raping you in your sleep), he is the one who has caused them. I’m so sorry, DeepPoet. ❤️

"Sometimes he has been sleeping separately
to stop pestering"

He may have presented it to you as that. But it was quite clearly to manipulate/guilt you. It's several threads ago now but I think the first time you mentioned him going to the sofa you felt so guilty and awful about it that he lasted one night there before either you gave in or he decided to stop sleeping there (can't remember which but I remember you tying yourself up in knots about it).

I wonder if he was already touching you when the night terror started and he quickly changed from attacker to comforter?

That's the thing though isn't it. You'll never know. You can't trust him to keep his hands to himself and you can't trust him to tell the truth.

What did you say to him that prompted him to ask if he could start over?

This is the part that keeps you there PinkPoet, this is the part that makes you want to believe this is the real relationship you have and it’s just that there are some blips along the way. The truth is these moments are the ‘blips’. I don’t believe in monsters, or a person being good/evil, but it comes down to actions and behaviours where such distinctions make little difference.

It may not be conscious for him, as in he may not equate it to self-interest, but I think it is - you get this caring side when he’s pushed it too far and he needs to be like this to stop you pulling away. It works for him as much as the other 90% of your relationship.

OK so you’ve verbally told him what you need (many times), he’s now seen you having PTSD nightmares (I think not for the first time though?) so what changes will we now see? I think none. He could quite easily be snapping at you that you need to get over it in 2 days from now, and will be groping at you even sooner.

Night terrors in adults are not normal (although quite clear what is causing yours) and another very good reason to go to the GP.

Yes, by "start over" he wants you to stop mentioning/showing how traumatised you are by his continued rapes. He doesn't intend to do anything differently himself.

He just wants you to act like a "fresh victim" who hasn't identified the patterns yet.

Maybe .
I don’t think he’s actually seen me having a night mare/terror before

Maybe he didn’t realise how serious it is until now

But thanks to you guys I’m going into the ‘fresh start’ with open eyes I guess

What does the fresh start entail?

but the actual question is did you have a night terror

you wear a watch that tracks your sleep ? does it show other activity

he may not be in your mind a monster, he is a rapist

Yes I do .
it shows I woke up then .
i do wake up quickly a few times most nights but I don’t remember
but I think that’s normal ?