‘Sometimes I quite like it’? That makes me incredibly sad for you.
Can you see, Poet, that that’s not how sex is supposed to be? You’re not supposed to think ‘well, it’s going to happen eventually, so I better just do it’. You sound like a woman from the early 1900s, who has no rights, can’t say no to her husband, and so just tries to make the best of it, because it’s expected of her.
Do you ever feel actively strongly physically aroused? Like, ‘damn, I physically have the strong desire to have sex, orgasm, and scratch that itch’? Or is your sexual relationship with yourself always reciprocal – as in, you know he wants it, and you want to please him and feel close to him, so you are happy/fine to engage in the sex he wants? Are you ever active in desiring sex and initiating it because you want it, without any thought to his moods or desires, or has it generally always been a reactive thing, where you’re just responding to his wants?
I ask because, just as I wonder if you actually know what healthy romantic love is, I have to also wonder if, given your sexual history before your husband and with him, whether you actually know what it’s like to want to have sex for yourself, and not to please the man you’re with. I feel as though he’s not only choked off your ability to develop a real, loving romantic relationship, but he’s also prevented you from developing your own understanding of your sexual desires and urges.
But good on you for holding the line this time around in the cycle! I think it shows such a lot of personal growth, and strength - you should be proud of what you've achieved, however things play out in the next few days.