(TW SA) New support thread …

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Another thread full, still learning that things are not normal as I thought they were .

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5522581-tw-sa-new-therapist-new-thread

thank you everyone for being so patient and supportive ❤️

Thank you.

We're still here. So many of us think of you every day.

Hi Poet, we are not at all fed up with you.

We are very concerned for you, and want to do all we can to support you.

I'm so glad you have started a new thread.

💐

Just checking in. I hope things are uneventful for you tonight, Poet

No one is fed up of hearing from you at all, everyone just wants to support you. If you are ever in doubt then read back your posts from the first time and you will see you are growing in both your knowledge and strength and that will continue. Hopefully this will become your thing you can look back on to see your path you took to becoming happy and free and we are all here to support you.

What do you wear to bed Poet? I’d be wearing as much as possible!

Nobody is fed up of you poet, hundreds of us are thinking about you every day. That’s how serious this is and thats also how much you deserve to be cared about as a person. You do not deserve the way he treats you. I really hope you can start to believe that asap for you and your children x

Just normal pjs usually

I’m still here for you as well, DeepPoet. Please don’t ever think we’ll be fed up with you. X

OP , I think some of us get very caught up in our own heads sometimes on is this abuse, is that abuse, this is but that isn't , that isnt but this is, spirals.

Does not matter what the right label is, what matters is how it makes you feel

Even physical force is okay if consensual there is no normal that you need to categorise this into, only whether you like it or not

After the sheer number of times, he has disregarded your no's and pestered you for sex inspite it - do you still feel any attraction to him? would you leave today if not for the 5 kids and the financial and familial codependency that stems from being co-parents?

I think the focus has very much become him. His behaviour, his limits, his needs, his crossing your boundaries.

Bring the focus back on you.

Start making I statements based on how you feel at least to yourself in your own mind

I am the mother of 5(4?) kids and I am tired most nights, esp since I work FT/PT too and do a lot around the house /for the kids

I am happy with sex once a week/ten days/fortnight/month for now

I want to watch a movie and fall asleep with a book/tv some nights

I do not want to be woken up during the night. I will not tolerate being woken up during the night. THis is a hard non negotiable for me. Only a medical emergency or the kids crying is a justified cause to wake me

Even if it is extremely abusive and you are still extremely happy - you dont have to leave. But I am yet to see a case where both these can be true unless the person does not stop to reflect and wonder if they are happy or not. Bring the focus back to you during therapy too (I hope your therapist is already doing this)

I’m here ❤️

Well done on starting a new thread, Poet, if anyone is bored of you they don't have to join it. The vast majority of us are not bored of you, we want to support and help you and your children.

"I am not sure why you said earlier that you would save it (sex) for me for later - we are having a break from sexual activity, so we won't be having it later. To be very clear: I don't want to have sex, or any sexual contact, tonight or over the weekend or until I let you know otherwise. I don't want you to try to convince me or to start any form of sexual contact at all."

I would suggest that you send him a message like this, but I don't think it will help. We all know (you included, I think) that he is planning to rape you soon whatever you do. The problem is not that you have not been clear enough or that he doesn't understand. The problem is that he likes raping you.

When you say that you intend to stand firm on your no, what exactly do you mean by this? What will you do when (not if) he starts pushing your boundaries? I am not blaming you at all, I just don't want you to be unprepared for what is going to happen.

I have never, ever feared that my husband would explode. You, quite reasonably, do fear that yours will - because all of his previous behaviour indicates that he will. Thus far he is able to control you by exploding somewhat rarely, because you are (understandably) so afraid of him that you do as he wants to try to prevent further explosions. If you try to hold your boundaries he WILL ramp up his behaviour in response.

This happens already in your sexual relationship: he is able to regularly rape you using only the threat of (worse) physical violence, because the times he has used violence particularly severely during sex let you know that he will do that again if you try to stand up to him (although there are very often aspects of physical violence even in the sex that you instigate yourself as a way to try to prevent more of the more violent rapes).

You are already stressed and anxious because you know what is coming. Please reach out for more support from your family, friends, colleagues, WA, police, wherever you feel able to.

Placemarking. Poet we are all here to support you. I like many others am fearful of his next move.

You could send him a text this afternoon saying that you're concerned that he said he was 'saying it for me' when I'd been clear that we are on a sex break, and that you can't to be clear that means any sexual activity in your presence is off the cards at the moment. That your find it hard to raise this in person, which is why you're doing it by text.

This has several effects:

1. it leaves absolutely no ambiguity about your feelings
2. it makes it easier to say no later, you can reference the message
3. you never know, it might mean he does leave you alone.
4. it helps build up evidence about what's going on in your relationship if that's ever needed
5. it stops you feeling like you're somehow leading him on.

Another thing that's been playing on my mind is you talking about intimacy.

There's nothing intimate about what's going on. People often say intimacy when they mean sex, but the things don't go hand in hand. Not all intimacy is sex and not all sex is intimate.

To be intimate you need to have mutual trust and vulnerability with eachother. Not something one person does to another. Done of my most intimate moments with my husband have involved sex, but raw tender moments together. So him holding me, wiping tears and kissing my nose if I'm upset, a really deep (non manipulative) heart to heart.

This man has taken so much from you.

We all care about you and just want to support you, we’re not fed up xx

Looking back at previous posts, you have come such a long way. You sound assertive now and are putting boundaries in place. Which you wouldn’t have done before Incase he got angry. You don’t realise actually how strong you are to have coped with this life for so long. Don’t back down to him, your boundaries are important to keep you safe. You’ve done something I could of never done, I’m proud of you ❤️

Here we are again. 😔

Keep going Pink Poet! You are entitled to a good night’s sleep in your own bed, you know ❤️
Kids are allowed to wake you up, husbands not so much……

If you come here later tonight, or tomorrow, and say that you let him get on with ‘sex’ again I hope you realise that you’re not letting anyone down here or disappointing us in any way - we all know you have to do whatever feels safest. I just look forward to the time when you come here saying ‘what is wrong with HIM’ (with some disgust and anger) afterwards, rather than asking what is wrong with you.

Strongly echo this, I know your threads are full of messages trying to encourage and bolster you, but if you don't hold your boundaries as planned there is no judgement. We all know you need to do what is safest for you, and what reflects your current headspace.

@PinkPoetAgain1 to be honest, if it weren't for you, I probably wouldn't even check Mumsnet as often as I do. You have really touched my heart and I don't even know you. Please believe me when I say that all the women on here are NOT fed up with you, we care about you and only want GOOD things for you and your children. I wish you believed that.

she isn’t getting raped because of what she wears….

This is the problem though - she doesn’t have a clue how she feels because it’s been so many years now that that hasn’t been relevant. I think that’s why she’s relying on this thread for clarity on what is normal/ abuse/ acceptable. If it were you or I we wouldn’t need that reassurance, we would just run - but this is what decades of grooming looks like.