(Tw SA) New therapist .. new thread..

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Coping and processing feelings after realising my marriage is not healthy and dealing with SA & DA.

Started a new thread as previous one nearly full & I have deleted & recreated my account as I am now hyper vigilant about my H checking my phone. He has asked to ‘borrow’ it tonight for innocent reasons. I will not be on here as much going forward as I believe he suspects something is up. But I will try and check in. Thank you for all the gentle support so far xx

New thread primarily share disappointing experience with new therapist after previous one gone on leave. I feel back to square 1 and doubting myself again. Sometimes I feel like I am living in a parallel universe to all of you with the professionals I speak to!! If I hadn’t spoken to WA first I would feel like I was making a big fuss over nothing.

This new therapist had my notes. I spoke to her for 20+ minutes and mentioned the r**e (even said the word!) and sex while sleeping, the recent coercion and angry outbursts. This therapist (supposedly trauma informed) listened to me and not only recommended couples therapy but also a sex therapist to try and find a middle ground and set boundaries and expectations we are both comfortable with?!

I know I need to go back to WA local service . Im just scared about SS getting involved and what he will do if/when he finds out

Any advice on the new therapist appreciated. I will try to check in when I can xx

Omg I am so sorry today was shit and DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS THERAPIST AT ALL.

im speaking as a trauma informed psychotherapist who treats PTSD and has experience treating victims of domestic abuse.

in fact id report her for the suggestion to her regulating body.

please ignore it OP. It’s a Ludicrous and WRONG suggestion.

i know this sucks but you need to find another therapist.

please do not listen to her at all, and the danger is it’s probably made you doubt your experience again.. a trusted professional says the word rape but suggests setting boundaries and counselling???

NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS.

OP, I am very proud of your progress so far and the first line of this new thread. Labelling your relationship and experiences accurately, for what they are!

if he is starting to check your phone you are right, he suspects something.

you need more support OP you should call women’s aid again and speak with your GP.

the danger signs are getting worse x

NEVER let him have your phone. You are entitled to your privacy. He has his phone and you do not have free access to it.

Where did you find this therapist? She's terrible.

Well done on saying the word rape.

That is so very disappointing, and I’m so sorry. You’ve had to change therapists not through choice only to be met with this. You spoke extensively and you were not heard! Definitely not the one for you. However, big strides - you managed to talk about everything once again to someone new, and you also know their input was tone deaf and inadequate.

What innocent reason was there for him taking your phone? It sounds like he’s trying to extend his control further, and of course he would present everything as ‘reasonable’. I can’t recall if Women’s Aid also said you should do this, but have you given thought to getting another phone?

oh Poet I am so disappointed for you that this therapist was so crap.

Its therapy 101 that you dont do joint counselling with your abuser - every fool knows this, and especially someone who is supposed to be trauma focused. she is dangerous.

I would report her too, and I would also refuse any more sessions with her.

Please contact WA. Please contact your friend and see if she could arrange a phone to be sent to your work. You could keep it there perhaps. Please see your GP. And please be safe tonight

And please please when you get your phone back, take it to check nothing has been installed on it before posting on here again.

Oh Poet, that’s an absolutely awful experience and you must ignore what they’ve said (as scoobysnaxx advises). How shit! What a waste of money, time and energy. I know you are anxious about WA but they will be able to advise and help you. They will have names of experienced therapists. You really, really need their help. Please take it. you should call them tomorrow and say what you’ve mentioned above. I’m sure they’ll be horrified at the suggestions made.

Do you think your husband is checking your emails and call history. Could he be putting a tracker on? Check who you are sharing your location with. I feel so sad for you, that’s the last thing you needed today.

OP there’s no good reason for him to be borrowing your phone.. I think this is very concerning. Can you call your local women’s aid tomorrow? His comment this morning and the taking of your phone tonight are very concerning.

You also didn’t say whether he sexually assaulted you this morning or whether he stopped. You don’t have to give any details you’re not comfortable with but that’s also worrying if it happened again. He seems to be escalating again.

This page contains useful information on identifying if your phone has been tampered with and how to cover your tracks online https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/cover-your-tracks-online/

How to Remove Spyware
Uninstall Suspicious Apps: Go directly to Settings > Apps to delete unfamiliar apps.
Update Your OS: Ensure your phone is running the latest operating system, which patches security holes.
Perform a Factory Reset: If you cannot find the app but are confident of spying, backup your data and perform a factory reset to completely wipe the device.
WIRED +2

The thing is, you know enough now to know the therapist is wrong - which is a huge step for you. The therapy world is full of people who say they are trauma informed, when they’ve done a days course and have no understanding of domestic abuse. To be clear, as you know, rape has nothing to do with unclear sexual boundaries and everything to do with abuse.

You know you need to find another therapist, I’m not sure of the background but is this someone you’re seeing privately (in which case good news, you just don’t go back) or through an agency? If through an agency I’d submit a complaint in writing and request a new, experienced therapist.

You’ve done really well naming your relationship for what it is, and the abuse for what it is. Next step is to advocate for yourself in getting appropriate help.

OMG, that therapist!!! I would report them to the practice manager (or whoever assigned you to them/recommended them to you) and tell them your experience. But don't give up on therapy no matter what you do.

Did you give your H your phone? At this point if you did I guess it's water under the bridge. But you may want to consider getting a cheap burner for your comms with WA and other agencies.

If you have an iPhone you can put apps (like MN) in the 'Hidden Folder' which requires FaceID, TouchID, or a password to open.

And I agree with a PP who said that when you get your phone back, you need to check for key loggers or other spyware. My BFF's ex put a key logger on her phone. We only figured it out when he said something word for word that we'd said to each other in an email about a holiday she and I were taking. Her son found it using software and got rid of it. She then did a factory reset just to be safe.