He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

He’s not right in the head, that’s so grim, what an awful awful way to treat hou and his children. The damage this man’s doing is shocking.

😆. Honestly!
I've really tried not to be horrid. We are under the same roof with the kids and I want to keep the Financial agreements we have made so far.
But I am certain I haven't been warm and friendly.
He just assumes I'm sitting here doting on him I think.

The problem with men like this is that, even when you try not to be horrid, they just can’t help being horrid themselves as soon as they don’t get what they want. So if you hold your boundaries, no matter how nice you are, he will eventually throw his toys out the pram. Just be prepared for that.

I would be so tempted to announce that I was going on a date just to completely fuck his mind...but I know that wouldn't help anything but god I would love to see his face!
Good luck OP, stay strong x

He's really fixed at the moment on the idea my friends are all trying to set me up. No idea where he's got this idea from. I just shrug at him when he mentions it 😆

I've ordered some new bits for the house today. I've got some savings in my name only and thought better to buy things now for the house before he has a chance to stake any claim on those savings in the divorce.
New sofa, new kitchen island, new rug, some new covers for my dining chairs.
All ariving mid July onwards so he should (?!) Be out by then. I wanted to make it feel more mine. Everything here is to his taste, he'd hate the stuff I've bought 🤣

Well done you. That’s classy! Huge kudos!

Love that for you. Shows you are actually getting excited to be free of him. You’ve come a long way.

I do think you will need to be a bit manipulative and tell him you need space to see how you feel about trying again. Once he’s out he’s unlikely to try and move back in.

Yes nothing like your husband having an ap and then a hysterectomy for really making you want to go on random dates, is there?

As always so well put -

Right?! He's commented this morning that I'm wearing short skirts and shorts a lot these days.
Erm its 30+ degrees?!

Oh well you’ve definitely got a secret lover on the go.
Where are you keeping post-hysterectomy Harry? In the shed? Behind the bins?
This man is making my stomach churn how you are managing to stay in the same house…
Definitely deserve an award for patience.

Tell him he can do the same if he wants to but he hasn’t got the legs for it.

love this! Definitely tell him this!! 😂

Satisfying though this may be, the primary mission now is to get him to move out, which he may be more inclined to do if he thinks there's a chance of it leading to reconciliation.

Op is he controlling? I find the fact most of your furniture he picked a little concerning, now he appears to be acting jealous of some non existent new boyfriend, when he’s the one shagging around, what are we at, 3 seperate affairs, with the same woman, that you know about, I’m sure you’re aware there have been countless others you don’t know about.

he also seems to think you will let him shag who ever, and as long as he tells you it’s over, when he decides it’s over, or more likely she did, you will willingly take him back,

it’s some of the oddest behaviour I’ve read about.

the biggest concern is the poor children living in this utter chaos, not knowing when he’s going, knowing about the other woman, and what that models of relationships to them from both of you, knowing he’s a rental,

it’s really cruel behaviour to them,

🤣 I'm definitely looking for a Harry now!

I wouldn't have said he's controlling but looking back at everything he certainly could be. Not in a domineering way, but definitely in a manipulative way. He would make fun of my choices in things for the house, or sulk if I went somewhere when he didn't want me too.

I was generally happy to let him have his own way unless it was harming me. I didn't feel I was being a doormat, if something mattered to me I would speak up but I can see how he got used to having his own way.

The kids have their first session with the therapist tomorrow. He's frustrated that they don't talk to him about the situation at all but talk to me often. My eldest told me yesterday that 'Dad doesn't seem to be on top of things' and the youngest has said he's feeling OK but knows he'll feel different when Dad actually moves. I worry about them both of course, but have different worries about each of them. Youngest is very much an open book but oldest worries me more as he goes inward. I'm glad they are both talking to me but it's frustrating to get the blame that they talk to me and not him when to me it's blinding obvious why that is.

The STBX seems to have missed the fact that your shared DC talk to you because they trust you.

Your less talkative DC is lucky to have you looking out for their emotional welfare.

Yes he’s controlling and manipulative. A good marriage is not like this op. The house for example should be a mixture of things you both like, and things you agree on, unless one really doesn’t care, and you clearly do. Sulking is both controlling and manipulative.

and blaming you for the kids not speaking to him, he’s a narcissistic controlling, jealous, arsehole, I don’t know how you can even bear to be in the same house as him

you need to sit him down and tell him for the kids sake this cannot continue, he needs to move out, the longer it prolongs the more damage is done to them. And they can’t see a relationship modelled where dad cheats, treats mum like utter shite, and she takes him back.

I am thinking that your husband thinks you are wearing short shirts and shorts to “tease” him as he honestly sounds so self absorbed!
We are in the middle of one of the hottest heatwaves atm! He is probably mourning “losing” you as well as you’ve mentioned quite a lot of weight loss ( thanks to him having x 2 affairs) so you must be looking good in his eyes.
Well the kids come to you are you’ve always been around where as he works away so it’s only natural , they trust you won’t hurt them either!

OP I have been through something similar, H upped and left everything was my fault, turned it wasn’t (lol)

He started getting emotional, no move out date, wanted affection and showed more emotion and affection than he had in the months prior.

finally moved out after I said you have to, then I had many many months of ‘I’m sad’ ‘lonely’ ‘I don’t know who I am’ I ended up being an emotional crutch stupidly whilst I was trying to navigate my own and the kids feelings.

after he left I’d get many comments about ‘men’ ‘how did you get home’ if I knew I went out.. various other things.. all played off as ‘it’s just a joke’ 🙃

I'm sorry you had to go through that. They all think they are original but it seems they all read from the same playbook!

How are you OP? Hope things are better for you!