He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

He's DEEP in a mid-life crisis. While I think he's a massive twat and obviously side with you as the victim of his chaos, he is going to wake up in a few years time and think 'What the fuck have I done?'.

Not your problem of course. But...

Yes, turmoil that he has caused you.

Take your own time to decide what is best for you.

His sudden desire for reconciliation means he might try to push you into making a rushed decision.
At any pushback from him, remember he was determined to move at his own pace all the time.

He is DEFINITELY going to try and hoover you back into a reconciliation now. And honestly, I totally understand that you'll feel torn, and possibly even quite tempted. Our brains see familiarity as safety and do anything to cling on to that, even if in reality that familiarity is a living nightmare. I've been there myself, gave far too many 'last chances' because I was so scared of making that final break and actually being on my own.

I hope you can find the bravery to stick with it though because your posts make it clear how strong you are. You seem like a really lovely person, and you deserve way better than this moron. You were kind and loving enough to give him a second chance already, and he's shit all over that. He has made it very clear that he cannot be trusted and that he doesn't actually care for you or your emotional wellbeing. I don't doubt that some time down the line (or maybe even already), he's going to massively regret this and be absolutely gutted he has lost you. Sadly for him, that's the consequences of his own actions.

You did WHAT??

You "thanked him and asked is he's ok"?

Why the hell did you do that?

Do you think a man would do that if his wife stopped shagging someone - he would THANK her for stopping and ask if she's ok?

Fgs I despair

@ACCAMUM trama, shock, autopilot? Because @Allthegoodonesareg0ne is just trying to function as this selfish man upends her life and has endured a mountain of hurt and gaslighting from him. Or because her life currently is one big shitshow and even stringing a sentence together is bloody difficult, let alone finding an appropriate response in the traumatising moment of a new horrific shitspout from him?
You know, all the things she deserves empathy and sympathy for, not incredulity and shaming? She’s hardly in a place where she’s capable of putting together what she’d say on a good day. Because a good day this bloody wasn’t. It must be anxiety inducing to brace yourself for every new painful musing from him which he insists on spewing out of his mouth with no regard for her.

What was I supposed to say?
Of course he should never have been in that relationship in the first place. Of course he's been a twat. What good would repeating any of that have done?
I didn't know what else there was to say

And this is exactly why you need him out of the house, @Allthegoodonesareg0neyou need space to think clearly and process everything. You seem very strong and clear in what you want for your future, so I really hope, for your sake, you don't let him gaslight you into staying to 'reconcile'.

Thank you xx

Thank you.
I have my vision for the future now in my head and it doesn't include him.
That doesn't mean I don't feel pulled towards him sometimes. But my head is clear and I'm taking decisions for future me.

Just mirror his words back to him without emotion is a way to keep it neutral.

I agree, or you just say ok. And move on. By saying thank you and asking if he’s ok, then it means the op feels he did it for her. This won’t be the case.

hes either decided it can’t work or he never intended it to work, she was just a distraction, a fling. whilst he ended the marriage, and he wishes to meet someone locally or already has. As relationships go it was barely one. They don’t even live in the same country. It’s much more likely he’s already met someone in this country.

or he’s decided it’s easier to just tell the op it’s ended, as he moves out shortly, she won’t know, she won’t even know if the woman comes over and they see each other, and he can just say it started up again.

I will do this in future thank you

How are you feeling today @Allthegoodonesareg0ne ?

Has his demeanour or behaviour changed since he dropped the bombshell?

When is his move out date? Have you got plans with the kids that day to take your mind off it?

I'm feeling OK thank you. I'm so glad I got help from the gp as the meds they've given me have helped with sleeping and eating and I'm feeling much more myself this week which is helping with clear decisions.
He's been very attentive the last couple of days. He's been checking I'm OK, offering to do things for me, telling me I look pretty...
He's due to collect keys to the new place this weekend but hasn't given me a move out date yet.
I'm mostly back on my feet now so not much need for him to still be here.
I've made lots of plans with friends over the next week to get me out of the house and make the most of the fact he's here to watch the kids for now.

He's been very attentive the last couple of days. He's been checking I'm OK, offering to do things for me, telling me I look pretty...

Do I hear the sound of hedging his bets?

That's my guess. I'm just feeling tired of it all now.
I agree with pps who've said it was never about her. I don't think it's about me either.
He's unsettled in his life using those around him to outsource responsibility for that and / or to cope with it. I'm in the unfortunate position of getting to be used for both I think.

Well you're also in the fortunate position of noticing the dynamic and extricating yourself from it...

And yes it's not about You, Her or any other other million potential OW out there. This is only about Him. What he projects and what he fantasises and his own negative internal dialogues.

Affairing people are mostly depressed addicts. They can't accept life as it is and be grateful for it. The solution lies with them treating their own depressive natures.

I would recommend you point him in the direction of the Feeling Good Podcast with Dr David Burns

https://feelinggood.com/

He could probably learn a lot from getting work with the The Five Secrets of Effective Communication as well.

If you want him to get to grips with this then tell him that "this works but I can understand if don't won't to do it" - this is called a Paradoxical invitation.

He doesn't deserve your emotional support just because he has (strategically) been attentive for a couple of days. Save your energy for the healing of your body and clarity of mind.

That "Give a neutral response advice" from pp makes sense. It will be harder for him to continue engaging you in discussion if the first reply is a simple "OK".

Absolutely!

OP, Just a point of curiosity for me but would you say that you are pretty hungry for intimacy in your life, you've been terribly hurt and let down this time but deep down you really want this dream of a close intimate relationship ? Because this is what I'm getting from the frequency of you posting. You want this group of supportive understanding people to respond and support you. And you really wanted that from your H but you couldn't figure out how to get there? Or are you thinking more you want space and peace and quiet and your intimacy needs (which I mean mental intimacy, being known) are pretty low.
Because I have some great resources which have helped me hugely in a situation similar to yours but they do mean a lot of time implication to get the gold out of them.

Op, I think you’re right, this isn’t about you either. This is about him, I very much doubt he knows what he wants, only whay he doesn’t want. For some reason he’s unhappy in his current life, and thinks he can make that life better by being single. Clearly it remains to be seen if that’s true or not.

if he’s telling you you look pretty thays really shit behaviour, it’s hurtful as ot rubs salt in. I’d take from that he thinks you desperately want him and it’s giving him an ego boost, and he’s trying to keep that going. He wants to think of you as some desperate woman and him as such a catch two women want to be with him, as such he can have any he wishes.

Or he thinks you’re making an effort for him, and want him to notice and he’s trying to be kind on the way out as he feels he has to acknowledge the effort.

clearly he’s mistaken if he thinks he’s going to have women queuing up, and he’s about to find that out I suspect. Life as a single man is not going to be a never ending line of beautiful women begging to be with him, he will find it lonely and hard.

ive a divorced male friend, he is objectively very good looking, no women ever ever say no to him, everyone he asks out says yes immediately. I find it utterly mind boggling. However he’s pig sick of it and desperate to settle down, as every single one, it simply didn’t work, some of the behaviour he encountered has been really dismaying, proper desperate insane stuff.

hes had everything from demanding sex on a first date meant a long term relationship was on offer, weeping on a first date as he texted his son and accused him of texting other women, asking to move in together after a few months, asking to move in with him after a few months so they don’t need to pay rent, declaring they are falling in love on a first date. Dating apps full of photos that are heavily filtered or from decades ago. Women lying about their age. It’s an endless list of batshit behaviour.

hes with one now and its really bad, shes controlling and jealous to the extreme, I suspect as she’s trying to secure the relationship, and we are all just waiting for it to implode. As this one will be bad, very bad,

it’s far from a bed of roses out there and if he really doesn’t have someone he’s about to get a very rude awakening.

Ah thank you. I do have a wonderful support network in real life but as I'm stuck at home still recovering from the op I have a lot of free time to post 🤣. And given I'm stuck home with him home all the time you lovely bunch have been an amazing almost real time sounding board to keep me in check as this entire soap opera had unfolded!
I'll be ever greatful to you all.
My real life support are all amazing and firmly on my team. I'm very lucky.

Wow that sounds horrendous! Your poor friend.
I'm definitely making no effort in appearance here 😆. I'm mostly home so it's leggings and no make up.
I've given up guessing his motives behind anything. It's pointless.
I'm imagining him something like the tasmanian devil at the moment just creating a whirlwind of chaos around himself so I'm doing my best not to get sucked into it, or let the kids be.