He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

So he wants to "Have his cake and eat it" while keeping you tied to him in the background (until he misses the comforts of you and home)?
What a total AH!

Well done on pointing out to him how little effort he has actually put in at any time.

He hasn't made any effort except to trying to excuse his betrayal of you and subsequent ridiculous attitude!

It’s odd isn’t it. They don’t even live in the same country. And if they’ve no intention of doing so, what the heck is her parents apologising for and getting involved. It’s very odd. There is clearly more going on that the son in law is living there, they are texting you. I mean no matter how religious you are, you don’t turn against your own kid.

You mean that YOU wouldnt turn against your own child no matter what they do. Some people would. For example I would give my SonIL a home if my DD did this to him, because he is a good man and I would be disgusted in my DD's behaviour.

Em, yes, I mean I would, no need for aggression.

Apologising is the basic decency and it doesn't mean turn against your own kid. It just means, being decent human being that shows empathy and value.

he can come back when he feels ready to be someone I can trust

HOW the fuck does he think you could ever trust him again?

Not to mention the level of sexual ick you must feel towards him.

He's delusional.

From what I gather it's ow that has distanced herself from her parents due to their disapproval. Her husband says they've always treated him as a son, his parents don't live nearby so he's staying with them while he sorts his own place out.

I can see why they may feel so ashamed that they want to offer some solidarity to both spouses who’ve been betrayed. It’s odd, for sure, but I don’t think that means the EA is definitely carrying on. Either way, we all predicted he’d come crawling back when reality started to bite. He has shattered your trust twice now and treating you like a second choice that is better than nothing. He doesn’t deserve you, OP. I hope you stay strong and keep him gone!

Did he get his keys op, do you know when he’s moving out?

He did but he's not given me a move out date yet.
He cried and said he isn't ready to go yet. I told him I need him to go asap.

Honestly I don’t know how you tolerated being married to that. I really don’t. I don’t know him and even I have the ick

ok you give him the date. Tell him he’s got the keys and he’s out by Wednesday or whatever.

He knows I can't make him leave. The divorce is in the 20 week wait still and we own our home jointly.
I'm avoiding him as much as possible.
I'm just tired of it all now. Especially him feeling sorry for himself. I can't even muster any sympathy when I see him cry, which is unlike me!

No you can’t make him, but you’d hope he had enough common decency to go, if told. but this is a man who has been shagging around on you, lying to you

the man even told you it wasn’t cheating as he’d already decided it was over between you. The fact he hadn’t told you that, seems irrelevant to him.

overall though, thid must be so traumatic for the children and that’s where common decency comes in. Their lives are in turmoil right now and he’s causing it. He needs to go for their sakes.

I agree. I've told him all of this

Tell him that every day he stays is driving you away from him and that his only chance for reconciliation is to put some distance between you and see if absence makes the heart grow fonder.

You don’t have to mean it!

Good idea! Thanks x

I think you’ve more than earned the right to say anything you think will work to get him to move out. No idea what he thinks he’s playing at, he chose this after all. Reality hits like a mallet and now suddenly all his pompous opinions and woe is me I’m so unhappy here have evaporated like scotch mist. Pity it took it getting to the point of no return for him to realise what’s actually good in his life. So few affair relationships translate into the real world, but everyone who has an affair seems to think they’ve found the answer to life, the universe and everything, right up until reality shows them that the person they were fooling the most was themselves.

He tried to kiss me today, I told him off. He was very put out. He kindly explained to me that he is no longer feeling the same block on physical affection he'd so kindly told me had at the start of April, a couple of weeks into this whole mess (when I suspected, but didn't yet know he'd restarted his affair).
I told him firmly (again) that I'm done. He's sulking now.

I think any one of us could write the script for this. He’ll try a few more tactics to win you round. In between, and every so often, he’ll probably get angry at your ingratitude that he’s decided he wants to stay after all. I feel revolted on your behalf that he tried to kiss you. He’s got the cheek of the devil. Wanker.

I’m so sorry @Allthegoodonesareg0ne, this must be hideous. He needs to move out and let you be. No idea what planet he thinks he’s on, but he really hasn’t grasped this nettle, has he? He seems to be in complete denial that you wont change your mind. Horrible for you. I’d say you no longer have the block on wanting a divorce that you had in April.

Absolutely mind-boggling the story he must be telling himself.

My god he sounds like a sociopath.

He sounds unhinged and a bit dangerous to me. Absolutely rank doing that.

You should have told him he needed to have that block checked out by the GP back in April as it seems to be contagious.