He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

Yeah he’s not managing this well, he’s being much more of a twat than would be expected.

id be asking for a move out date. He’s getting the keys, so he may as well fuck off. See how he likes it, in his lonely little rental by himself.

I would recommend you doll yourself up on his leaving date so he can see what he’s missing, wave his off the slam the door behind him!

Actually I’d make my self scarce, just crack on like it’s a normal day, don’t give him the satisfaction of thinking you care. I’d dress up nice and go for lunch with my mates,

Even better 😅❤️

He's obviously not in any hurry to leave is my guess and he's hoping that the OP is going to be so very sad to see him go she's going to end up begging him, to stay.

He's moped about all afternoon. I didn't ask why. This evening he asked me how I'm doing, I cheerfully told him I'm fine so he volunteered that he's feeling sad about everything with us, he's going to miss us all when he moves out.
I just replied that I'd miss us all too if I was him and left the room!

Stands up clapping and cheering! Well played @Allthegoodonesareg0ne. He’s played the sad victim card too often.

Classy. Well done!

Perfect response 👏

Fantastic response!

Sitting in that rental, all alone every night, doing his own grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry won’t be a barrel of laughs by any stretch of the imagination.

honestly I’d be telling him to fuck off out of it. Get his keys, pack his shit. And go. See how much he likes ig when he leaves the familiar family home. And is sitting alone, every night in an empty property.

no more dragging his heels. No more hanging about. Tell him straight, he’s made the decision, he will have the keys I assume by tomorrow. And he now needs to get up and go,

he’s am utter twat. And no woman needs a man who treats her like this. Shagging about behind her back making her do the pick me dance, wanting sympathy for his own bad behaviour.

man couldn’t keep it in his pants. Got naked and intimate with another woman. Repeatedly. Decided he’d rather her, or another woman, than you. Than the family set up.

so tell him to get gone.

This will be him sounding you out about him staying after all. And it won’t be the end of it. Right about now, he’ll be crapping himself about what he’s facing in that lonely flat and trying to worm his way back into your good books. Stupid, stupid man.

Well done! A 'welcome to the consequences of your own actions'

What a dick head

You absolute legend!

Oh I wish I could bottle what you have and distribute it to all those women in similar situations

It sounds like he is going to ramp up the self pity in a big way before he finally agrees to move out

What a nasty, self indulgent little specimen he is 🤮

I've just read back through this thread, and your description of how he says he burnt himself out doing what everyone else expects and pleasing other people without having self compassion for himself, when no one has put any pressure or expectation on him to do anything is identical to what I've been told by my DH. I feel a bit relieved to realise it's a script, I've always felt it was a skewed view on our situation, but also always carried a weight of hurt and responsibility for it. I had thought that what my DH did for the family (which is well below 50% of family/household logistics, but he's self employed, works hard and is the brains and skills behind projects; and having had time off and worked part time when the kids were small, I embraced taking on more of the household work so that we had more free time as a family at weekends so was happy with that arrangement) was done willingly. Family life is a huge compromise if compared to single life, and I realised that what I saw as normal compromise/consideration in a family, he had huge resentment for because it took away from 'him'. Your writing shows huge strength, balance and reason and I just wanted to say thanks and to wish you all the best...

@sparklingwaves so you were doing all the housework, tasks admin etc so he could build a business of his choice and he is resentful because of what was taken from him?
Truly awful. I’m so sorry you went through that.

You may find this helpful from Chump Lady

UBT: ‘I Am Feeling Sad About This’

UBT = Universal Bullshit Translator

BITCH BOOTS. Wear them.

You’re suffering because you left the mindfuck channel on. Only you can turn it off. He won’t turn it off. You have to DO something and protect yourself. Is that fair? No, of course not. You’re dealing with a fuckwit. But no contact is the path to true healing. He tries this bullshit because it’s worked before. Shut it down.

Yes... alongside that I supported him going out for a regular evening with friends, doing a sport/hobby another evening a week, going away with friends on occasional few day/week long trips to do a sport together, picked up all the slack when he's been unwell (mental health) which has been between 20-30 days a year over the past 10 yrs. I put my career on hold (which was absolutely a joint decision, and absolutely as much my choice- I worked part time when kids were little, and now do full time over 4 days and 1 late night so that I also have a day to do the majority of the household work), in doing so I gave up my time for hobbies or myself as all evenings either he's out, the kids have acitivities and his health is not steady enough to leave the kids with him regularly in the evening. All of which I was absolutely happy to do, because I thought at the time that we were both giving what we had, that it was appreciated and ok as he was also putting in 100% of what he had through his work and other contributions to the family. I've never thought that a partnership has to be 50:50 of everything, but each person giving what they've got. Looks like that was an idealistic view, and he also has an idealistic view of what life should be like (ie having a family, with all the time to do everything you did when you were young free and single, with the energy of a 25year old! A vision of perfection that is never going to possible to achieve!) I feel like such an idiot for slowly slipping into this position over so many years. It was a couple of years ago that he said he was burnt out from always pleasing other people and I'm still finding it hard to move past it. I really appreciate your reply that validates those feelings...

Well today we've had it. He wants to work thinks out. He said we rushed things last time and he wants to move out, work on himself but keep the door open so that he can come back when he feels ready to be someone I can trust.
I lost my temper a little with him.
I told him I deserve someone who chooses me every day. I said its not rocket science to say what you need, hear what I need and not cheat.
He's shown he's not afraid to lose me. He's done little to show me that I matter to him and even then he's put so much of the blame on me. He picks his keys up today and I told him he should get on with it and move out as soon as possible
I had therapy shortly after and she called out his DARVO tactics.
I hit my limit with it all today. Finally 😆

That’s the most elegant “Fuck off!” I’ve heard in a while. 😂 Well said, how dare he?
Not even going to comment on his assessment of what happened last time other than to answer it with “No, the truth is that you knew the score at the time, knew what would most likely mean the end of your marriage and fucked it up anyway.”
Keys, suitcase, bye-bye.

Wow, that’s bad, seriously grim, I am stunned he looked you in the eye and basically asked you to be a back up option if it doesn’t work out for him.

a second time, Christ, the lack of utter respect is shocking, he must think you’re proper desperate. And it doesn’t matter what he does you’re so desperate you will hang around and take it back if the new relationship doesn’t work out, or he doesn’t find some hot young thing to shag him.

im absolutely stunned at how badly he’s treating you. Like you’re some pitiful creature who will let him do as he pleases and jist wait to see if he comes back.

He said we rushed things last time and he wants to move out, work on himself but keep the door open so that he can come back when he feels ready to be someone I can trust

ehat he actually means is

He said we rushed things last time and he wants to move out, work on his relationship with other women, but keep the door open so that he can come back if it doesn’t work out for him

🤣 nice touch

I'm just so mad today! The utter cheek of it!
He thought I'd be thrilled and is now really annoyed with me that I'm not -'acknowledging his effort'

The third time around would defo not be a charm.