He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

Nothing. I just looked at him and walked off. There was really nothing to say lol

I think if/ until they finally realise what they’ve actually done all at their own fair hands, with no help from anybody else, their focus is completely turned outwards, desperate for sympathy for all the uncomfortable feelings they’re experiencing which despite their best efforts to deny, are their own doing. These feelings of guilt, wrongdoing, shame, not behaving like a good, honest person are inescapable because they’re valid and true, no matter how hard he tries to deflect their origins elsewhere. He’s mired in it and is desperate to find somebody, something, anything which he can convince himself might be to blame, as long as it is not himself. To feel that shit inside and see the consequences unfolding and aftermath of your horrendous choices is appalling to live with, but then on top of that, he also knows deep down there’s nobody to blame but himself. He’s the liar, he’s the cheat, he is a coward with no integrity and chose it all deliberately to serve nobody but his own wants and desires. Facing that and seeing what he knew (even whilst he did it anyway) playing out in front of him and seeing he’s badly hurt all who love him, is far worse. Some people find it so utterly intolerable that take their own lives, (I know someone who did this) hence the sheer desperation to be the victim, not the perpetrator and the ensuing panic to find people to blame.
The victim position he’s adopted won’t stop until he gets honest with himself either through reflection (highly unlikely if he hasn’t got there yet himself) or hard-hitting consequences and even then, maybe he never will. None if it is even personal now, you’re witnessing the ugly desperation of a coward trying to cling to a self-image that he can no longer justify. Even sobbing it out loud to anyone who’ll listen, including you @Allthegoodonesareg0ne, doesn’t really convince him. The only reply of you can be arsed to answer is “Who are you trying hardest to convince of that bullshit, me, your therapist or yourself?”
Best response is grey rock and leave the room. The more you walk away and show your utter contempt of his fabricated sob-story, the more he’ll be panicking, believe me.

I think I've reached the point this weekend I don't need him to realise anything.
I keep looking at him and thinking this is a man who has chosen to put his whims above absolutely everyone else. Ap included as although she is a willing participant, who knew the risks, he's still put her in a vulnerable and uncomfortable position given her age and circumstances.
But he's had no regard for the pain and suffering he's caused our kids, me, or aps husband as innocent parties here.
The first time I could accept that he underestimated the pain he would cause.
But this time there is no mitigating it.
And for him to sit feeling he still has me as an option, sitting in self pity and wondering what to do about ap, about me etc. It disgusts me right now.
He was and is happy for me to take the bulk of responsibility for tbe children, he was happy to accept my sacrifices to have me as a sahp. He had a beautiful family that loved him. Yes I complained at his lack of effort and he had to listen to how his affair impacted me. But he clearly has no appreciation for what he had, even the willingness from me to work on repairing after his first betrayal.
It's unbelievably self centred and heartless.

Agreed. What I meant was this is what needs to happen for any change to occur in him and not to take the bullshit personally, never that he was still an option for you. There should be a special place in hell for people who put you through a false reconciliation. It shows a total lack of character and integrity. I wouldn’t want him either.

You are no longer an option because you deserve so much more than him. He’s been good at making you feel conflicted when he stepped up around your op, telling you what you want to hear. It’s worked because being rejected is incredibly painful and his little tidbits of validation soothed the pain. But if this is how he treats the most important people in his life, is his love worth much? There is no happy ending here because he still doesn’t see what the real problem is – him.

The best you can hope for is what is happening. You see his actions and words for what they are — self serving drivel. In doing so you become ambivalent to him and his actions (good or bad).

Leave the relationship with your head held high looking to the future not wishing the past was different, that he was different.

He will get the life he deserves. But don’t waste your energy wishing for it. Imagine all that you can accomplish by using the energy you have wasted thinking about him and his betrayal. Save your energy to build a life you are proud of. That is something he cannot do after the guilt has sunk in, no matter how it pans out with this OW.

If and when he tells you he wants to work it out you should simply respond ‘No I think you were right, reconciliation would be too exhausting, and I don’t like you anywhere near as much as OW so best you carry on as you are.’ Then get on with the rest of your day.

The best thing would be that ap leaves him, you don’t want him either and he can wallow in self pity without an audience.

Absolutely it would!

Men like this can’t be alone and that’s what he’s frightened of. His wife not being back-up and the OW not working out.
And in all of this, while he’s moping about, he’s not given a thought to his two children.
I have a feeling this OW will not want him in the future. It’s not a relationship is it? It’s just dopamine via DM, and a couple of shags.
She will possibly regret losing her husband and I would bet it’s strained her relationship with her parents.
I think he really does think OP will have him back if it all goes against him. I hope he steps on upturned plugs for the rest of his life. With no socks on.

He's just come back from walking the dog and announced its all over with ap.
He said it was his decision.
I didn't really know what to say, I thanked him and asked if he's OK?!
I left it at that. Didn't really want to quiz him or open any doors for him with me.
Don't know what to make of it really. I've no idea if it's true, if it is true if she ended it or him. I don't suppose it really matters.
If its true I'm relieved but who knows if it is or not?!

Next step will be let’s work together and try again?
How would you feel about that @Allthegoodonesareg0ne ?

Wow well that didn’t take long. No doubt he wants to be ready for the next family therapy session and get a gold star from the therapist for ‘putting his family first’.

But like you said you will never know the truth. Perhaps she got sick of waiting for him to come up with a plausible plan to be together. Maybe he hasn’t really ended it just pretended to so he can be the victim and everyone will be nice to him until he lets you know they are engaged next year. I can’t believe you asked him if he’s was ok 🤦‍♀️.

He really is the gift that keeps on giving. Although I’m sure you are dying to know the details don’t give him the satisfaction of your attention and allow him to spin this into a scenario where he is the good guy.

I'll always feel torn. I wanted so much for this to work and to keep our family together. I loved him with everything I had.
But I've found a really good space, especially the last few days. Seeing who he is clearly helps a lot. I am keeping in mind all the time that I'm making decisions now not for the me of today but the me or 2, 5, 10 years time. That's been the best way ive found to deal with it. Future me would not appreciate me reconciling now.

Who knows. I'm always aware that he's so fickle that a few pleading messages from her over the next few days could change things anyway.
I've given up trying to guess his motives. He's due to pick up keys to his rental this week so maybe he's just paving the way for a request to stay before he has to fork out for furniture and deposits...

Going back for a third time would, just in my opinion, be such a waste. Because ap hasn’t just disappeared. He’s like a teenager using you as a sounding board.

Doesn’t surprise me at all.
You can never know if this is true or not, though.
It might be, but after all he’s done it doesn’t matter and he’s cooked his goose now, you’ll never trust him. It might not be true, it might be that he’s still dithering but knows that if you think he’s in touch with the AP, he’s definitely toast. It could be a sweetener to keep you on side in case something goes awry with the AP.
I wouldn’t have contemplated anything other than divorce had I found myself in a false reconciliation. To trust he meant what he said only to find later that it was more of the same self—serving rubbish, would render his word worthless to me. Don’t think I’d have had the energy or will left to care any more.
He’s all over the place and a loose cannon now reality is biting. Certainly not to be trusted.

I don’t think as said this was ever about her, I know for you it was, but I all along have felt she’s a red herring, and that he will find a woman who at least lives in this country. If I’m wrong then It is also easier for this period for him to just tell you it’s over as it’s so important to you. He can easily jist say in six months it started up again.

I would think that reality is setting in and he wants to try to reconcile before he has to move into his new flat all alone and face up to his decisions. Do not make it that easy for him, he has to face this, and you deserve to be happy and free. It will always hang over you and destroy your mental health if you decide to forgive and reconcile again, while he gets to have his cake and eat it too. Don't give him the satisfaction please. You deserve so much better, and so do your kids.

Agree. I can't believe anything he says. And any decision he makes is for him not anyone else. I don't imagine she'll give up either. She's not disappearing, they still work together so I'm better off well away.

Sadly @Allthegoodonesareg0ne I completely agree with you. There’s no coming back from this, he’s ruined all of it and you more than deserve a happy future after all he’s put you through.

genuinely I’d be very surprised. But let’s see.

I do wonder what does he and the AP talk about? Do they encourage each other's victim profile & boost each others' ego?

Just saw your update - you will feel torned. But you are at a strong and safer place, where you no longer doing the guess work of what, how why of his thinking.

Thanks for sharing this.
i think it’s a really kind way of looking at your situation right now and extending a hand to grab onto your future life. I’m going to keep this in mind too. Any decision can be taken whilst thinking this way.

Even if things are over with his AP, he has betrayed you horribly, twice.

Oh absolutely. But i still feel like I've spent the last couple of months in a spin drier with the sudden 180 at the end of March, the disclosure at the start of May, my op and his back and forth of late!
Making decisions based on what I want 2+ years from now is really helping to not get sucked into his vortex or confusion