Men/marriage in midlife - does it get better?

[fleurblu]

I have a handful of very close female friends, we are all late 40s/early 50s. Pretty much everyone seems to be experiencing issues in their relationships, myself included. Various stresses play a factor at this age of course - ageing or dying parents/challenging teens/financial strain etc - but broadly, we are all privileged people, not facing the serious problems that affect so many (poverty, war zones etc). And yet, no-one seems happy.

YES, people are going to say that menopause and perimenopause is the common denominator….but I know myself and these women, and another common denominator is this - the men who get to this age and seem to become difficult to live with.

There is so much grumpiness, irritability and unreasonable behaviour from the men. These are couples I know well - and while no-one is perfect, me and my friends are calm, straightforward and reasonable. We communicate like adults. Without fail, it’s us carrying the majority of the emotional load in our families - and often the domestic load too. Whereas the men seem to be having the midlife crises - if not affairs and sports cars, they’re behaving like petulant teenagers a lot of the time, questioning their life choices - ‘I hate my job and want to run away and live off grid’ kind of vibes. A lot of wanting to do things for themselves - hobbies/trips that take them away from home life. Flying off the handle over small things. Moodiness.

I get it - this age brings challenges. But it’s like a lot of these men hit 48 and suddenly thought ‘right, I’ve had enough of being nice’. People might argue that maybe women have their eyes truly opened as we enter menopause as all our tolerance/nurturing-causing hormones begin to decline, and we see the true side of our partners….

But from what I see, in my own relationship and others, it’s not us. It’s them.

I know so many women who are all saying the same things - anyone else? And do we think it gets better?!

Wouldn’t your life be far more pleasant without him around?

Male apologists are here!

No one has said they are perfect, Im not, no one is
But most women dont walk away from their DC, refuse to pay and behave like arseholes, nasty ones
They just dont
Its an epidemic

Was going to press the love button as everything you say appreciates the impact of aging, work stress is a difficult economy, and changes in family set up on men is not dissimilar to women (my DH is both excited for snd dreading our youngest leaving home for uni in Sept-he adores him). But then got to your last paragraph- am so very sorry for your loss. Cannot imagine the pain. Hugsx

Leave him and become an entirely new person

🤣

I apologise for no dickhead. there are absolute shit excuses of men out there. and there are abhorrent dickhead women out there too.
if you are not one of those who believe us women are perfect and it is always about the men then I wasn't talking about you, plain and simple.

those who refuse to pay child support can be made through the law.

making arguments with very specific unique things is a losing battle. anyone can do that. most women dont walk away from their dc? ok. most men dont (cant) trick their wives to raise kids they think is theirs.

Bro 😂

So fascinating to read all these responses. Solidarity to those going through similar. To the male apologists, as I said in my OP - no-one is perfect, and strains in a marriage can be due to a variety of factors.

BUT, having my own experience, having witnessed friends’ husbands on shared holidays or whatever, and having friends relay conversations and experiences to me - there does seem to be a VERY common theme. And that theme is ‘middle aged men being arseholes’.

My DH is a good man in many ways. Definitely pulls his weight on the practical domestic front and always has. But the snappy and irritable behaviour, the desire to go do his own thing etc - has ramped up massively over the past decade. I am quite sick of it…and I see this everywhere!

Ok so we agree
Not all men are awful but many are
So why the need to shut down debate with
Yeah but NAMALT
Many men behave like this, thats what we are discussing
Women tricking men is probably a tiny amount vs the amount of men who just walk away from their DC and jump through elaborate hoops to avoid paying a penny

Straws
Grasping

I think they have their own version of the hormonal difficulties that we do - the Manopause. To be honest I think most people - men and women - become grumpier as they get older. Less tolerance for bullshit, more selfish. It’s why I think so many older women go and live by themselves with their cats.

the same kind of poster who on a thread about women getting ahead or women being abused says “what about the men?”.

If you want to bitch about middle age women start your own thread, LadyLavenderUrchin.

I don’t pretend to be perfect, Im responding to the topic!

you married them @fleurblu . what can I say. choose better. if they are arseholses why the hell did you marry them? if they are arseholes now then. leave. I have friends married to their 40-50 year old husbands who are great.
having been with women before all I can say is that they are not easier to live with either.

Go away and start your own thread then!

My own opinion is that they were always dickheads but when the wife's estrogen depletes in peri menopause she notices this for the first time because she is no longer blinded by the hormonal drive to breed

I thought a lot is due to work and the associated stress. And the fact retiring early is harder and harder now.

they go through manopause abd become more difficultt. where have i heard something similar? oh yes peri and menopause! but we dont become more difficult do we. no.

I do think that men are much more likely to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of convenience so that probably contributes to some of these situations. They don't want to be there but don't want to sacrifice their financial comforts and all the benefits of having a wife.

It's no coincidence that more women file for divorce than men.

I think 50 is quite a watershed as well, whether you're male or female your age and mortality comes more sharply into focus and you start to question how you want to spend the rest of your time on this planet. Even if you don't consciously think about it, you change - at least that's certainly been my
experience.

A lot of people that age will be empty nesters or at least have adult kids who are more independent at home, giving them a chance to rediscover themselves - in some cases couples will manage to do that together, in many cases they won't. People won't necessarily be the same as they were 20 or 30 years earlier.

I really don't think it's as simple as saying middle aged men are a bit shit.

That said, I'm a 50yo divorcee and very happy with the single life and a lovely FWB! I enjoy male company but it would take a unicorn of a man for me to consider marriage or living with one again!

lovely grownup response

No, as someone experiencing it, that’s not what it is. My DH used to be one of the most optimistic people around. This has changed, and the looking for fault has changed.

You obviously have a low opinion of other women.

i responded to the topic same as you. you just dont like what you read.

what debate? what i say is that women are responsble too. that is the other side of the debate. versus "stupid middle aged husbands, period"

Wrong
Women go to the GP and ask for help if they feel anxious,depressed and irritable
They exercise, check their diet and prioritise sleep and themselves
This is where the enlightening starts
You do all this and are faced with men who just blame you and others around them for everything
Theres no self awareness

See my last post

girl speaking of straws. you are describing a very specific woman doing very specific things married to a very specific type of a dickhead. making it sound like a general rule is the definiton of ignorance