Men/marriage in midlife - does it get better?

[fleurblu]

I have a handful of very close female friends, we are all late 40s/early 50s. Pretty much everyone seems to be experiencing issues in their relationships, myself included. Various stresses play a factor at this age of course - ageing or dying parents/challenging teens/financial strain etc - but broadly, we are all privileged people, not facing the serious problems that affect so many (poverty, war zones etc). And yet, no-one seems happy.

YES, people are going to say that menopause and perimenopause is the common denominator….but I know myself and these women, and another common denominator is this - the men who get to this age and seem to become difficult to live with.

There is so much grumpiness, irritability and unreasonable behaviour from the men. These are couples I know well - and while no-one is perfect, me and my friends are calm, straightforward and reasonable. We communicate like adults. Without fail, it’s us carrying the majority of the emotional load in our families - and often the domestic load too. Whereas the men seem to be having the midlife crises - if not affairs and sports cars, they’re behaving like petulant teenagers a lot of the time, questioning their life choices - ‘I hate my job and want to run away and live off grid’ kind of vibes. A lot of wanting to do things for themselves - hobbies/trips that take them away from home life. Flying off the handle over small things. Moodiness.

I get it - this age brings challenges. But it’s like a lot of these men hit 48 and suddenly thought ‘right, I’ve had enough of being nice’. People might argue that maybe women have their eyes truly opened as we enter menopause as all our tolerance/nurturing-causing hormones begin to decline, and we see the true side of our partners….

But from what I see, in my own relationship and others, it’s not us. It’s them.

I know so many women who are all saying the same things - anyone else? And do we think it gets better?!

My husband checked out after 46 years. Wants to lead a single life within the confines of the family home. Spent many years supporting him while he pursued his dream. I am from another country, the minute we got back on his home turf, he had no need for me. He does like to brag about his wonderful family that I raised single handedly while he went off doing whatever project interested him. If you are going go now don't wait until later as it doesn't improve and then you are stuck. It's a miserable way to live. Good luck.

I think traditionally women's eyes just open at this age and see what's always been there. The younger generations are seeing it much sooner so we'll probably see less of it as more and more women opt out of these stuffy marriages.

Trying to pin it on a 'male menopause' doesn't wash - it's not comparable.

I wonder if the men the OP describes would say their wives are straightforward, calm and reasonable? And how would they describe themselves?

People always tend to see themselves as the reasonable one. If they are grumpy or irritable I’m sure they would describe this as a reasonable response. In their minds they probably think they have stopped suffering fools gladly, or after a lifetime of dealing with shit at work, they might say they have no more fucks to give - sentiments you see quite often on here from women of a similar age.

As others have said, it is a challenging time of life, for everyone. This is a good reminder though that if we are struggling and finding it difficult, if sometimes we just want to scream, or run away and be left alone, we still need to think carefully about how we impact the people around us.

Hmmm. I think the relationships that do better are ones where the DH has been present from the start. I can see us struggling because once the kids leave, a huge part of my DHs life will go and he loves company and people. I on the other hand hate it, and the older I get the more I want people to leave me alone. And I know DH will look to me for companionship (not unreasonable!) and large parts of me just want to live by myself. That’s only partly to do with him (would help if he loooked after himself a bit more)

It’s not just men. I honestly don’t think it is. I laughed when you said ‘we’re all reasonable, easygoing etc etc’- come on- are you? Look at all the ‘I got a cleaner and they didn’t have the place the way I want it’ threads.

I work on a till in a busy supermarket and 80% of women who come with their partner or mum are snapping their heads off, being irrational and the reason I know this is I am that person too! I hate the person I am now.

Now I will say a lot of this is BECAUSE of men- I work ft and so does he but he’s also away a lot with work and has to leave earlier and is home later because of the commute. But the other thing and this is the thing I see in work at the till, is women want things done their way on their terms and I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves and everyone else too but on balance again, we need more help too so I don’t know but I do feel I have to argue life isn’t that men are assholes and women are saints like you see on here, there’s a middle ground and finding the right person was supposed to be that we offset each other/ compromise, but I think everyone now wants the single life with the perks of the good aspects

what a horrible experience for you but I’m so glad you are much happier. ❤️

We are 59 & 62. Maybe just luck but so far we seem to have missed this. Menopause was fine for me. We are both now looking after ourselves better than ever before. We have shared and separate hobbies, we have GCs. DH is retiring this year and I am retiring in 3 years.

We have a lot to be grateful for.

Can relate. I would say since DH was about 46 he isn’t happy. We’ve moved to the house he wanted, now he doesn’t like it, he’s quit two jobs and the next jobs weren’t better.

He’s quick to blame me for pretty much anything that goes wrong including for example him running a red light and getting a fine (I suggested the route!).

He also reinvents history which makes me lose my temper. Like a decision he regrets about not taking a job ten years ago he’ll say “well it would have been great if you’d been willing to move countries”, forgetting he too also did not want to move and “I could have been far more successful if you’d been willing to move”. I mean I told him at the time to go for 12 months but that DD and I wouldn’t join him but we’d make it work. I was pregnant with our second kid!

Oh and apparently I wanted this house, not him. In reality I tried to talk him out of it (expensive to maintain) but gave in because he said he couldn’t stand being in our other house any longer (that we chose together, nothing wrong with it).

I think he needs a mild anti depressant but he refuses to go to the doctor.

In the end we had a pretty blunt chat. I can’t be his emotional punching bag. He’s better but not perfect.

One technique that works for me is when I can tell he’s about to blame me for something that squarely sits with him to say “come on, how’s it my fault? How creative can you get this time” which gets a “yeah I know”.

At least he’s kept doing things, such as school logistics, cooking etc. He absolutely does his fair share which is more than my contribution as I work longer hours.

It sounds pretty bad when I read this back. Im hanging in there because despite all
of that I love him and we do actually get along quite well most of the time. It’s not a consistent thing but it’s every time something doesn’t go well. It’s just draining.

Oh and when I got promoted he said “well that could have been me”. He then checked himself immediately with all the right words but damn, I’ll never forget that first reaction.

I am the grumpy and irritable one in our marriage!

DH has become very reclusive and insular though.

Perimenopause and menopause means women are less nurturing and less tolerant of lazy behaviour from men. This makes them grumpy, because their laziness and lack of self sufficiency has been highlighted and they are expected to get on with it themselves.

Nature’s way of saying your reproductive years are over, no need for males, time to move on and focus on yourself!

but I do feel I have to argue life isn’t that men are assholes and women are saints like you see on here, there’s a middle ground

Hmmm I personally dont feel the need to argue that men arent arseholes because so many of them are
We are all socialised to blame women for everything and actually men get off scot free most of the time
Many men ( not all) opt out of parenting, women dont have the choice, they prioritise work and whatever they fancy doing, women dont have the choice.
How many men are verbally unpleasant to their wives if asked to do the most basic of household tasks?
Contempt and aggression is what follows, so they stop asking and silently the anger and resentment builds up

Lets not forget the daily headline of men who rape and abuse, the local paper is full of paedophiles off to jail.
Men as a species are severely lacking, yes NAMALT but actually MMALT
Many men are like that

My DH is one of the nicer ones but even then if he left/ died I wouldnt touch another man with a bargepole
Hell nah!

I think the andropause is a thing. Their testosterone drops, they have less energy, their teen sons are taller fitter and stronger than them and there is the dawning reality that life is ordinary and has limitations and all their dreams are not necessarily going to pan out. Children are leaving home which is both an achievement but also a great loss and big change from life as it has been for the last 20 years.

i think late 40s and 50s brings challenges for both sexes tbh.

Ooossshhh that last paragraph. He can’t undo that! So egocentric.

I do think the perimenopause makes us realise how little men actually truly care about the women in their lives as individuals, and that makes us understandably pull away.

Yep. My 53 yr old husband can often be found mumbling crossly at the news on TV. Then he wants to share the doom and gloom with me ( as I back away and rush out the door)
He can leave if he wants tbh. I really wouldn't mind. We always kept separate finances and I have kept up my friendship groups and hobbies through the years, as well as working full time. He has definitely gotten grumpier, but if I'm honest it was always there, the crossness/ complaining/ negativity. Even the kids are starting to avoid him, which is sad.

I think women at a certain age want things done their way on their terms because they've been the one carrying the load for decades at that point and it's how they've systemised their lives in the absence of an equal partner. Many women find men just disrupt those mechanisms they've developed for getting shit done.

My lovely husband is showing signs of this. He’s always pulled his weight with the kids and at home, never had any issues in that sense but he’s constantly grumpy and, as our kids are still quite young, his patience seems to be getting shorter. He’s 47 next month.

Think a lot of posts have just married shit men. I don’t relate at all. In fact, it’s me getting more grumpy

How many men are verbally unpleasant to their wives if asked to do the most basic of household tasks?
Contempt and aggression is what follows, so they stop asking and silently the anger and resentment builds up
Absolutely nails it in my case. I never ask anymore, that's how I know we would manage fine without him. The kids are more and more self sufficient and I have a cleaner.

I can relate to this from my own Dad even. He was so grumpy and irritable.

I think some men (my man) want something to enjoy and want to centre more of life around their fun pursuits and are losing patience, after decades of work, with everything being set up to extract work from them and often boring. I have mixed feelings about this because I kind of admire it at the same time as thinking it can be selfish and unrealistic. I need to learn from it a bit and do some fun things.

on the other hand he complains far too much and is far too inclined to lay too much of the complaining at my door, whether or not he is explicit about believing it’s my fault or not he’ll definitely make far too much of it my problem. We got together in late 40s and I know he would be even worse at this if he could remotely have a leg to stand on about ruining his whole life. As it is, I have to consciously separate myself from his complaining or I’d be miserable all the time. I do some of this in my own head and some of it by challenging him. And some of it by just not being too available late at night on the phone so I can reset my own mood and sleep as well as I can.

he doesn’t know hes doing it. I don’t resent him buying a motorbike or going out on boats as if it does actually cheer him up, great. I do wish I had more time for me but that I don’t is not his fault. I have to be so careful not to get made into his life resentment scratching post though. I can see how if you’d been married for 30 years, your man could just make you into that and it would be intolerable.

A lot of posts = a lot of shit men, which I think is the point.

Contempt and aggression is what follows, so they stop asking and silently the anger and resentment builds up
This is me. I don’t know when it started, but at some point he made me feel like a nag for asking him to clean up after himself, so I stopped asking and did it myself but became so resentful. There are times that I actually hate him and wonder how I became this person, I never used to be like this.

I should clarify that my man has many lovely qualities and I actively choose to be with him. It’s just this one thing, the tendency for rampant complaining, that hes quite unconscious of, and quite unconscious of the unfairness of his expectation that I’m always available as a place to put it, with or without implied unjustified blame.

Yes I’ve had a week of grumpiness from my mid forties husband because he has had a mild cold. I am getting decreasing tolerance for him now I’m in my forties. I can see why many couples split at this time.

What you and the PPs are describing in men blaming and complaining is basically Narcissism .
" Im a victim of life and everything is your fault"
These men gallop off to work when their DC are young, eyes popping at the very thought of doing drop offs, pick ups or any household tasks because " work"
Any discussion from their wives who are now doing CC, household tasks AND working is met with contempt
Then they reach middle age, can see their DC leaving home, having fun and are jealous so they then resent their DC and wives for the years of work they have done and reinvent themselves
Gym, fun activities, younger woman
Oh and its always someone elses fault they did this 🙄
Tale as old as time