Men/marriage in midlife - does it get better?

[fleurblu]

I have a handful of very close female friends, we are all late 40s/early 50s. Pretty much everyone seems to be experiencing issues in their relationships, myself included. Various stresses play a factor at this age of course - ageing or dying parents/challenging teens/financial strain etc - but broadly, we are all privileged people, not facing the serious problems that affect so many (poverty, war zones etc). And yet, no-one seems happy.

YES, people are going to say that menopause and perimenopause is the common denominator….but I know myself and these women, and another common denominator is this - the men who get to this age and seem to become difficult to live with.

There is so much grumpiness, irritability and unreasonable behaviour from the men. These are couples I know well - and while no-one is perfect, me and my friends are calm, straightforward and reasonable. We communicate like adults. Without fail, it’s us carrying the majority of the emotional load in our families - and often the domestic load too. Whereas the men seem to be having the midlife crises - if not affairs and sports cars, they’re behaving like petulant teenagers a lot of the time, questioning their life choices - ‘I hate my job and want to run away and live off grid’ kind of vibes. A lot of wanting to do things for themselves - hobbies/trips that take them away from home life. Flying off the handle over small things. Moodiness.

I get it - this age brings challenges. But it’s like a lot of these men hit 48 and suddenly thought ‘right, I’ve had enough of being nice’. People might argue that maybe women have their eyes truly opened as we enter menopause as all our tolerance/nurturing-causing hormones begin to decline, and we see the true side of our partners….

But from what I see, in my own relationship and others, it’s not us. It’s them.

I know so many women who are all saying the same things - anyone else? And do we think it gets better?!

Yes definitely. It gets worse it their sixties. Moaning about aches and pains that I have to (I'm older by four years)
We are on holiday at the moment and while I am enjoying it he is being miserable.
Never enjoys anything anymore.

I've always been the grumpy and irritable one. I can't help it. Since late 40s DH seems like he has had enough, and we're going trhough a tough time.
I think lots of women get to the age where the kids have grown up and start to think "fuck this" and I think a lot of men do the same.

I've read the full thread now and our marriage is literally the opposite of most of these.
DH hit 50 and it's like he's high on life now, taking up new hobbies, new friends, etc. whereas I just want to stay in with PJs and a book.
I completely disagree with the "men find their slippers, women find their wings" comment - I do know many active women my age but I also know a lot, who just settle in front of the TV.

couldn't agree more. women find their wings is just one of those feel-good inspirational nonsense that people can convince themselves because 'yas queen' and 'girl power'. haha. I urge these people to think about how all women find their wings next time they meet a nightmare mother-in-law or a screeching karen at a queue. there are nice women and nice men out there. there are shit women and shit men out there. there are people who get grumpier there are people who stay active. it is a very colourful world.

A screeching karen? FFS.

Exactly this,

we all met one. mine was screeching for sure. just because she slammed her door into my car and I asked her to please be mindful. outside a school too.

So just a woman behaving badly. No need for the misogynistic term.

I thought karen is just a phrase for self-entitled problematic people. I am not misogynistic I think everyone is equal. to me it is about the behavior. to be fair I called men Karens before too haha dont know if there is a male name version for it. doesn't matter. it is not serious.

Far from it. It's an offensive and misogynistic slur with racist origins - there's no need for it.

It originated in Black American slang about white women using their social power in racist ways so no, it doesn't have racist origins. It started out to describe a form of racism.

I think you might actually be me!

DH is 49, wants to retire & sell our house right now, so we can be mortgage free. I don't. He took up 3 new hobbies last year, 2 of which he dropped & is about to embark on another 2. Both of which leave me doing even more around the house than before - 3 teen/pre-teen DSes including 1 with significant SEN.

He's also suffering a lot of pain atm & not sleeping, which doesn't help. Although it has meant he hasn't mentioned moving for a while 😅 But leaves me doing more physical stuff as he can't.

I'm pretty happy with my life. I love my job, I have lots of friends, I enjoy time with my sons. I go on a few nights out here & there. Would like to take up a hobby but DSes need taking to activities/supervising. I'm content with Duolingo, reading & my Book Club once a month.

It does annoy me when DH goes out 3 times a week, but if I tell him that he says I'm being stroppy. The boys are picking up on it now & it's hard to make excuses for him. He's in a foul mood today & it's honestly ruined the day a bit 😔

I hope this gets better somewhere down the line because this is pretty tough!

Hit a bad patch too over the last few years as have quite a few of my friends. With my DH it's all of the above issues - he never goes out, is increasingly negative and down on everything. He can be supportive of me when he's listening to anything I say but I often have to repeat things at least twice.

The worst thing by far though is I've become incredibly sensitive and frustrated with him constantly clearing his throat, passing wind etc. Its got worse and worse over the years and if I raise it, he says it's my problem (menopause)

I actually can't stand it - is this just stupid or a reason to leave someone? Does your tolerance improve after peri? I'm assuming it won't get any better as he ages 🙄

Oh I can relate to this! My DH clanks his cutlery on his plate far more times than is necessary, eats with his mouth open, burps & farts 🙈

This is the Ick
No it does not improve
We have separate rooms and its the only way I can cope

Really interesting thread. Have any of you read the menopause brain by Lisa Mosconi?

It was recommended on here and it’s amazing. I read it and it really gave me food for thought. I do believe Andropause is a thing and like menopause effects people in many different ways.

I still have both parents and my das is very much like the men described. My goal is to not be that man !!

DH has created a separate WhatsApp group between us for his woes & been messaging me on it today. Apparently, he is unhappy with life, work & the future 😌

I really don't know what to say or do. The one sticking point is that he wants to sell our house so we are mortgage free & move to a smaller place & he can retire. Our boys are all still at home & growing (12, 15,17) so I don't want to move. I also don't want to retire as I only really started working 7 years ago & am just getting into it! And I don't think we would survive potentially 35-40 years of being under each others' feet.

I have offered that he can go & stay with his dad a night a month & watch football/attend a group up there. I am supporting all his new hobbies, which will mean he is out more than he is home. I have said he should look for a new job, so long as we can manage financially. But I really don't want to move house! And he really does.

He lost his mum in Covid times & his job a couple of years ago. He was made redundant & struggled to get work, what he does now is a different industry & not well paid. So I think he is grieving those things. He says I have changed - to which I answer that of course i have! I was 22 when we met, single & carefree, now i am 48 with 3 kids,one being disabled. I can't have the same ambition any more because I have to be practical.

What do I do?!

Been reading all the responses, thank you.

The pp is a perfect example of scenarios I hear about. @changedmyname24 - I don’t have an answer for you, but I will say you’re not alone.

It’s infuriating though, how naturally it seems women will run around trying to fix their middle aged husbands’ discontent. You’ve been amenable to him, OP - and your instinct is (of course) to ask ‘what do I do?’

My good friend whose marriage is very much on the rocks is currently having counselling with her DH. I pointed out to her the other day that their therapy sessions seem to consist largely of him saying how unhappy he is, how he wants a change, how his life is so unfulfilling. Me, me, me. It seems so bloody immature.

With my psychologist’s hat on (am not actually a psych 😂but bear with me), I wonder if on a profound level, men are conditioned to be providers, to keep the family safe - just as we are conditioned to be compliant and nurturing. This biological/societal conditioning shifts for women in menopause, and (usually) it’s the age when our kids are older teens/young adults - who need their parents less on the face of it. So within this shift, the men subconsciously feel redundant- and their answer to that reality is to have a midlife crisis and question their existences.

Not saying I sympathise with the poor dear men, though 🤣

A lot of people(men and women) lose the will to present themselves nicely to one another. This kills marriages stone dead over time. My dad always said “look good and take care of yourself for you. And if not for you then the person sitting next to you.”

Slightly antiquated advice but I do think there’s a grain of truth in there. No wonder so many people disgust one another after many years together if all they can muster is a fart and a burp in one another’s company. And my mum and dad, despite their tremendous ups and downs, always looked good and are still together after 50+years of marriage.

Have you said to him the same? “you have changed also - you are not the x, y, z person I met either “

I’m definitely the weak link in our marriage- dh is cheerful lovely energetic and in great shape. I’m the anxious peri menopausal one am sooo jealous of the male body late 40s / 50s they have it so much easier.

I spent years ..20 of them ,holding the family together..he had an affair.
I cooked I cleaned,I raised children.we had DC with disabilities so I couldn't work as they were permanently at home ,no school.
I did everything for everyone,
He went to work ..he changed job regularly,did whatever job he wanted .he didn't paint a single wall or put up a single shelf.
I went to anti natal appointments alone and pregnancy scans alone
I home educated the DC because no school would take them.( Long story )
I did every fucking thing ,for every fucking person in the family ..he didn't even encourage them to dry the pots occasionally.
Now he's in his 50s ,he's mellowed,he's decided he's happy ( finally) with his family ,his home and me .
I'm past caring ..the vibe is don't fucking touch me .
I literally have nothing left to give anyone
He's trying to help in the house now ..but it's to little to late ..I've just switched off

I would absolutely get him to seek a cognitive assessment.

For many they just opt out and women don't chase them. Menopause makes women drop the rope even more. Come the 60's many women are barely tolerating their husbands and invest their energy in themselves and their female relationships which are far more fulfilling. Grumpy men are to be actively avoided.

Yes, I have said that to him. But also pointed out that his life has changed a lot less than mine as he was able to continue working & going out in a way I never could.

Anyway, he has now come up with 'a solution'. He can drop down to 3 days a week at work & we can make up most of it on Universal Credit & the fact that we finish our credit card payments in August. We already receive some UC as DS2 is disabled & I work part-time to be his carer. I said that if he is going to do that to work on some projects he has in the pipeline or to care for DS2 then fine. But he doesn't want to do that, just doesn't want to work FT as 'he has been working for 30 years'. I don't want to choose benefits if we have another option & he thinks that makes me a snob!