Men/marriage in midlife - does it get better?

[fleurblu]

I have a handful of very close female friends, we are all late 40s/early 50s. Pretty much everyone seems to be experiencing issues in their relationships, myself included. Various stresses play a factor at this age of course - ageing or dying parents/challenging teens/financial strain etc - but broadly, we are all privileged people, not facing the serious problems that affect so many (poverty, war zones etc). And yet, no-one seems happy.

YES, people are going to say that menopause and perimenopause is the common denominator….but I know myself and these women, and another common denominator is this - the men who get to this age and seem to become difficult to live with.

There is so much grumpiness, irritability and unreasonable behaviour from the men. These are couples I know well - and while no-one is perfect, me and my friends are calm, straightforward and reasonable. We communicate like adults. Without fail, it’s us carrying the majority of the emotional load in our families - and often the domestic load too. Whereas the men seem to be having the midlife crises - if not affairs and sports cars, they’re behaving like petulant teenagers a lot of the time, questioning their life choices - ‘I hate my job and want to run away and live off grid’ kind of vibes. A lot of wanting to do things for themselves - hobbies/trips that take them away from home life. Flying off the handle over small things. Moodiness.

I get it - this age brings challenges. But it’s like a lot of these men hit 48 and suddenly thought ‘right, I’ve had enough of being nice’. People might argue that maybe women have their eyes truly opened as we enter menopause as all our tolerance/nurturing-causing hormones begin to decline, and we see the true side of our partners….

But from what I see, in my own relationship and others, it’s not us. It’s them.

I know so many women who are all saying the same things - anyone else? And do we think it gets better?!

Not sure what point you are trying to make. What demographic do you think largely make up the partners of the older “”grumpy” men under discussion here? I’m guessing it isn’t women in their 20s and 30s!

Paedophiles off to jail? Do you not mean walking away with their suspended sentences.

Blinded by the hormonal drive to procreate, as in blind to a man's faults ... I stand by what I said 100%. Not sure what your problem is tbh.

Isn’t it andropause? And testosterone dropping? If you were to test their levels, drops, I think you’d be able to explain a lot with bio-chemistry, endocrinology data

I'd agree with all of this. I was thinking about it only the other day, as my partner of 17 years has recently been diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 54...I'm 57.

To be frank, he's become increasingly like the OP posted since he turned 50. Lazier, ruder and has developed insanely annoying 'tics' like constantly clearing his throat. Fortunately, we don't live together due to his work and that is something that I've become increasingly grateful for. He stays for a few days each month, and we've had separate bedrooms for the last 5 years as his snoring has also become far worse.

So yes, I'd say it's a combination of the menopause making women more unwilling to put up with men's shit and the men becoming harder to live with as they age.

Or as many of us have argued here, the ones living it, with partners who have as they’ve gotten older become much more challenging to live with.

I have a problem with your patronisation of my lived experience. I know exactly who I met. Enough.

A lot of us who actually posted on the topic explained our husbands/partners are in their 40’s/early 50s. We are not talking about the elderly here.

Totally agree OP. Put simply, there is a definite desire to go do they’d own thing more as men age and become less and less tolerant in general.
I do also think from 40 onwards there is an acute sense of have I achieved though? Have I got all the things I wanted in life? And this doughs on many men.

@Livefreely - absolutely. And I do think work is a factor. Most of us are still many years off retirement and it’s often (not always, but often) the men who are the higher earners, possibly because women’s careers often take a hit with maternity leave and early childcare.

I get that men can hit 50 and think ‘is this it? Do I want another 20 years of corporate slog?’ - but that said, we build our families together. I have a good friend whose DH is senior in his field. He was very happy to progress in his career when the kids were young, and build a family life around that - of course this affected what mortgage they got etc. But now he’s throwing a wobbly and saying he wants to sell their house, move somewhere less expensive and quit work. Not really fair on her - she also works, before anyone jumps on that!

It is probably hormones. Doesn't testosterone give you lots of confidence and energy. I'm guessing it starts to reduce at this age. Haven't really noticed it with my friends except for people getting less into their jobs, but that seems pretty reasonable.

I think that is spot on, many unhappy men say for convenience, so you end up with the grumpy middle aged mind set , which is a shame as those men actually probably like being married- but not to the person they are currently married to 🤷🏼‍♂️

I know a couple IRL where they were “staying for the kids”, the wife had a 2 yr affair and moved out of the martial home and in with her new boyfriend, she is the one applying for the divorce as she wants the money to setup a new home - so she is in the 70% of women who apply for divorce- but the marriage was dead for years and now she wants the settlement cash now.

saying that the woman I am seeing is 3 years separated but still married, so again if she wants the settlement- she might have to be the party applying for the divorce even though both parties are in new relationships

im the male version of you- will never marry or live with a woman again

i could have written this post. What will become of us I often wonder. I don’t want to split but I don’t want to hold him back from living his life, or live separate lives under one roof either. Just glad I’ve got my friends. Yes, the entire thread resonates.

I'm not your age, but this is something I've been wondering myself.

Younger women are used to attributing certain behaviours and attitudes to women to the Boomer generation, but now I think that something happens to a lot of men as they age, especially as they reach 50 +. If they were already quite neurotic when they were younger, this seems to get worse as they age, not better.

I've seen so many women on Mumsnet say that their partners are irritable, with their female partners having to soothe them or excuse their behaviour because those men are incapable or unwilling it to do this themselves. Calling it 'grumpyness' diminutises what is actually a low-level anger problem.

Eventually, after grinding down their partners and being too used to being fawned & doted upon, their female partners leave them. The women then seem to go on to living contented, single lives filled with hobbies and friends, whilst the man is left to stew in his own discontent.

It’s the manopause!

The reason why you get such hostile responses to posts like yours, is because the male voice and the male point of view has been incredibly dominant over such a long period of time.

Additionally, there are many ugly parts of the internet where one can see men expressing misogynistic views and violent desires about women. It's very widespread, so Mumnset is a small corner of the internet comparatively when women can air out their very valid frustrations, often originating from male entitlement and male sense of superiority.

So then it become very tedious when threads on this website seem to attract posters who proceed to megaphone their NOT ALL MEN viewpoints at women.

Yes, one can find posts that are unfair, that have double standard and such, but honestly, show some fucking grace.

^^ 100% this , women ( not all) don’t like it when a man actually expresses his own feelings and wants- especially if they don’t fit with own feelings and wants anymore

more men should do their own thing in their 50’s and not be guilt tripped into staying in unhealthy or unhappy relationships

I think you have something here!
When we were younger my DH worked all over the world "hunting and gathering" and not bothering the rest of us staying at home. This went on more or less until he retired, at which time the kids left home and we downsized to a new city and a different way of life. There he spent 15 years completely renovating our new home, keeping himself busy, out of my way and out of trouble.
We've moved again now, our next renovation is finished and he's starting to be a grumpy curmudgeonly pain in the backside.
I think that I had a lucky escape during our middle age and will do my best to keep him quiet now, settled in his little den on the lower floor with his keyboard, guitar and music. We don't have a garden so no shed I'm afraid.
Sadly he has discovered YouTube and spends a lot of the day hogging our smart TV, watching other grumpy men dissect world problems (badly) but at least it keeps him quiet.

And infidelity rampant during this age too.

Men go through andropause at late 40s, esrly 50s. Its very similar to perimenopause and caused by a decreasein hormones. Its just men aren't interested in their health like women are as such so they just put it down to a mid life crisis. They can get help for this just as we can for peri. Maybe encourage you partners to look into this and see if they can do something about it as we'd ask them understand for our peri symptoms.

It's strange I am in this age bracket, but I can't think of one man in my family/friends of this age bracket and in a relationship who I would describe like that. My DH and I are fully supportive of each other and I wouldn't describe him as grumpy (well unless he's arguing with the TV). The only thing I can think of is that the men posters are describing are in relationships that aren't fully supportive of one another and they aren't meeting each others needs.

The only other thing I can think of, is that this is also the stage of life people often develop heart trouble if they're going to. A symptom of that can be being very irritated and angry so maybe this could be a factor?

Haha mine spent his retirement lump sum on precisely that.

Haha. Me too! Maybe couples are only meant to be together while raising children? idk. All I know is I'm so content in my house with my dogs and cats. (And I think my ex is too!)

I think if you can be financially secure why bother with men. They really are just to much work.

I once read a post on here from a post menopausal woman. She said that now she doesn’t have any hormones making her fancy her DH, she’s found she’s now living with an irritating, aging, slob, who doesn’t bring anything to her life. He snores, he farts, he leaves his dirty washing on the floor, he breathes, he’s just bloody annoying. I could see her point.

Interesting, can men be given a bit of testosterone to make them better?
dh, 53 has been very vacant for the last 3 or so years very passive still loving and kind but passive. I thought it might be low testosterone. Can one request a test?