Men/marriage in midlife - does it get better?

[fleurblu]

I have a handful of very close female friends, we are all late 40s/early 50s. Pretty much everyone seems to be experiencing issues in their relationships, myself included. Various stresses play a factor at this age of course - ageing or dying parents/challenging teens/financial strain etc - but broadly, we are all privileged people, not facing the serious problems that affect so many (poverty, war zones etc). And yet, no-one seems happy.

YES, people are going to say that menopause and perimenopause is the common denominator….but I know myself and these women, and another common denominator is this - the men who get to this age and seem to become difficult to live with.

There is so much grumpiness, irritability and unreasonable behaviour from the men. These are couples I know well - and while no-one is perfect, me and my friends are calm, straightforward and reasonable. We communicate like adults. Without fail, it’s us carrying the majority of the emotional load in our families - and often the domestic load too. Whereas the men seem to be having the midlife crises - if not affairs and sports cars, they’re behaving like petulant teenagers a lot of the time, questioning their life choices - ‘I hate my job and want to run away and live off grid’ kind of vibes. A lot of wanting to do things for themselves - hobbies/trips that take them away from home life. Flying off the handle over small things. Moodiness.

I get it - this age brings challenges. But it’s like a lot of these men hit 48 and suddenly thought ‘right, I’ve had enough of being nice’. People might argue that maybe women have their eyes truly opened as we enter menopause as all our tolerance/nurturing-causing hormones begin to decline, and we see the true side of our partners….

But from what I see, in my own relationship and others, it’s not us. It’s them.

I know so many women who are all saying the same things - anyone else? And do we think it gets better?!

I think men do suffer as their testosterone drops as they get older. Women also can have issues as their testosterone drops with age too. Menopause often makes us less tolerant of crap we previously put up with.

I did read recently that by the time a couple get to 20 - 30 years together only about 10% remain genuinely happy, mutually loving relationships. By this point many couples get on fine, don’t hate each other but the connection is gone. I think for women this is more bearable because they often have closer friends and more of a support network while men don’t always have this. If they lose that connection with their partner then I can imagine that must feel very bleak.

This does ring true, especially the part about men not having the same support network.

Buy them a goat. Problem solved.
Nobody can be grumpy or lethargic with goats in their lives.

As I was saying

I think this could be very true. They often have little interest in investing in relationships in general and allow their wife do all the heavy lifting in all their relationships, children, even their family of birth.
If their wife withdraws from this, life can become very quiet very quickly.

I think it’s the feeling like time is running out thing, they haven’t achieved what they wanted, don’t feel as manly anymore with possible ED. Sex is a big part of what makes them happy (as is the same for lots of women) etc

The couples that I see happy after decades together are the ones who make an effort to still have fun in life, still be affectionate etc

This also explains why men get serious with someone so quickly after a bereavement.

No. They get even more difficult with age.

I am a man in mid-40s and can sew this among my friendship group so definitely a thing IMO.

From my particular point of view, I care very much about my kids and family (would do anything for them) but life certainly can be wearing and somewhat boring if you are not careful.

Financial pressures are high these days, lots of negativity in the news etc means there is less to look forward to.

And being in a relationship that will inevitably have lost its lustre and it's easy to realise your best years are long behind you and the future is quite bleak.

I am a very outgoing and optimistic chap but even I can see the challenges.

You need something to keep yourself happy. That doesn't need to be your partner at all...

“And being in a relationship that will inevitably have lost its lustre and it's easy to realise your best years are long behind you and the future is quite bleak.”

@MaxTalk I don’t think long term relationships inevitably have to lose their lustre, it’s not my experience but then I did read recently that only about 10% of long term relationships are still happy, mutually loving and affectionate after 20 plus years. That in itself is a depressing thought!

I don’t know what makes the difference to be honest a mix of luck and relationship skills perhaps? Also seeing our parents become elderly, ill and die is one of the bleakest things I think. Life is so very short.

My DH can be quite grumpy, but he's always been a bit like this. For him, it's his work (emergency services). He's been doing it too long now, and is ready to retire. I do sometimes feel like he should try harder at home though. He found out yesterday that they've cancelled one of his days off at the weekend, and he's been stomping around the house all morning, and been snappy with me. Totally ruins the mood. When he's on holiday, he's a changed man. Only 18 months till retirement, so at least that's something.

What I do notice a LOT, is middle aged men on-line, being absolutely vile. We have a town Facebook page, and the number of sarcastic shitty comments on there is mind blowing. And they are from middle aged men. Every. Single. Time. It's so utterly predictable. Every time I see a shitty comment, I click onto the profile, and BAM, there is a fat balding man looking back at me. You can tell from what they say, that they think that they're soooo funny, but they're not, they are bullies, plain and simple.

Eh?

It doesn’t have to lose its lustre. Only if both people don’t make the effort, or they weren’t well matched in the first place

I don’t know what makes the difference to be honest a mix of luck and relationship skills perhaps?

I think this is a big part of it.

I work with a lot of primary schools and some are now actually teaching relationship skills as part of the curriculum. Probably, most importantly, appreciation - why it's important, how it can be shown, how to recognise it and valuing it. Along with the relate element of it - how to actually relate to another person - to see things from their perspective, how to actively listen and respond appropriately etc.

It's interesting because there's a feeling that it should be 'common sense' but it isn't. But it is having an impact on conflict resolution, friendship difficulties and how the childen interact with each other.

Many adults have grown up without any of this and without having healthy relationships modelled to them by their own parents.

Young couples get together when life is fun. They fancy each other and life is all about building careers, going on holiday, buying and decorating houses, having children and a lot of their relationahip and conversation focuses on that. And a lot of people feel that there are right and wrong ways about going about life and focus on that too.

Then they get to middle age and the childen have left home and what are they left with? The person they did all that stuff with but it's done now, the person they conversed with about those things but the conversations are no longer as necessary or happen less often and they look back on their lives and see the things they wanted to do but didn't because they were doing the things they 'should' do.

Only if both people don’t make the effort, or they weren’t well matched in the first place

I agree. And lots of people don't realise they're not making an effort. Or thought they were but it was focused on the family life and not the relationship. Or they didn't realise they weren't well matched after all because life was busy getting in the way.

Agreed!

Middle age is REALLY hard for both sexes. I’m a mental health professional and I literally have to work every day to maintain my own mood and wellbeing. Manage my supplements, medication, exercise, sleep, mental output, energy - it’s a bloody full time job. Everything declines or requires management in middle age.

it would be so fucking easy to just bitch and complain, eat sugar and be grumpy and blame the world or the health service for me not being in tip top condition or my career not being great. And SO many men (and a few women) do just that.

Also, there’s some sort of biological cave man thing going on (pet theory coming here) where men are stuck in the hunter gatherer thing of doing EXACTLY the same thing they’ve always done and expecting it to work. Even my own (great) husband wouldn’t go looking for supplements or a visit to the GP or upping protein to titivate his health, he lacks flexibility of thinking in that sense. He would just do what he always did when he was sick, manage energy by eating and sleeping. And the stuff that works when you’re 20 doesn’t work when you’re in your 50’s. Basically I think men get stuck in ‘work mode’ (the new hunter/gatherer) and don’t think holistically in the same way.

so then the women in the household end up doing some of that work for them.

a really good (and funny) example of this is how many men do you see buying the same waist size trousers and wearing them ‘under’ the belly ? Or over the belly if they’re really elderly 😂