Emotional affair - do I walk away?

[Helpneededprettypls]

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 10. We have two children together, 5 and 7, and a beautiful home.

I recently found a playlist that he had on Spotify (we share an Account) with another girl (someone I had never heard of). I asked him about it and he said she was just a colleague. I asked again the next day and he told me (via text) that he had feelings for her, that he didn’t know if it was love as it hadn’t been long enough yet, that there is an “added complication as she is married”. I asked how long it had been going on. He said he’d only ever met her three times. I asked again a few days later as it made no sense to me that you could fall for someone after meeting them 3 times. He then told me it had been many more times that they had met for “lunch or coffee”.

He insists nothing physical has happened. He told me that he had stopped contact with her, that he misses her (and that I should feel empathy for him for the hurt he’s going through as a result of missing her).

I then found that was all a lie because they are still messaging.

What do I do? Do you think it has been physical? Should I walk away?

That’s appalling OP ..what kind of man does that? Thief
Please see a solicitor and get advice about next steps. Thursday isn’t marriage counselling it’s manipulation and pointless when someone isn’t IN the marriage.

The longer you leave it, the more regrets you’ll have about wasted time.

It hurts so much, but day by day you will create a new and better situation. A life can’t be built with a liar, cheat and thief of a man

I think the lack of empathy at expecting you, his wife, to feel sorry for him that he supposedly stopped messaging his affair partner would put this in the non recoverable category.

He's lied and lied multiple times so I would assume he's had a physical affair. Get STI checks and see a lawyer to gather info on what you can expect in a divorce. Don't tell him what you're up to.

I would refuse marriage counseling. I think of an affair as a form of domestic abuse and it's never recommended for someone to go to counseling or any joint therapy with an abuser. Marriage counseling also treats the marriage as the patient and his goal sounds like it's to keep you in line. He hasn't been honest with you and why would you be honest with him and put your cards on the table?He's possibly had a lawyer consult himself and wants to avoid an expensive divorce and his affair becoming known.

Tell him to get 6 months of individual counseling with no contact at all with the affair partner and you might think about it.

Thank you so much for posting OP. I am another one going through it at the moment. I recently learned that my 'gaslighting prick of a STBXH' (words: my friend) has been having an emotional (he claims) affair for months with a mum in my kids class.

Our child is disabled and securing that school and her mainstream education has been the most important thing in the world to me. He used the relationships I built through that process to leverage his way into emotional infidelity within days of her taking up the place, and so that I now can't even speak to another parent in my disabled child's school without checking myself in case I inadvertently say too much. At the same time, his affair partner is blowing up the class WhatsApp about her amazing marriage.

Fuck him all to hell with the joint counselling. Someone should make t-shirts saying 'don't see a counsellor, see a solicitor' (although your own counsellor who works on your goals with you is an absolute must). Your job isn't to be a punchbag and he doesn't get to enlist a joint counsellor to tell him this is your fault.

As you stand up to him, you'll see the nasty come out. Get ahead of it - he has left you with no marriage left to save. Secure the children's future instead.

You will be better off financially divorced. Get a copy of his bank statements now. Any savings he has are 50% yours. You are entitled to half his pension and half the house. If the children are with you more than 50:50 he will need to pay you child support and being a high earner often spousal maintenance can be considered so you have equal households. Definitely speak to a solicitor. Knowledge is power. Don’t stay because you fear your financial situation. Take back your power.

Just for reference, I work in a good job but my DH earns 10x my salary. All the money we earn is OUR money and we have shared credit cards and bank accounts for bills. The way you husband deals with your household finances shows he doesn’t see you as a true partnership.

You don't have to go to the counselling. He needs it, you don't. You need a lawyer, a bloody good one.
So sorry you're going through this

The “added complication” that SHE is married…poor him 🙄

I wouldn't be hanging around.
Get financial stuff including pensions and payslips ASAP. Also access your joint accounts whilst you still can as much as possible before he notices. Remember solicitors will ask for bank statements including saving accounts as part of divorce proceedings and want all saving shared 50/50.

He's the one who's destroying the family, not you so you should feel no guilt. Id ask him to leave the house temporarily, it seems he hasn't grasped the enormity of it all? As if youre going to go to a therapy session & all will become good, and he can carry on.

I cant imagine how you must feel, hes been very open (painfully so im sure). It doesn't sound like he plans to stop this "affair".

He needs to continue to pay the bills while moving out, you will be entitled to more than you think.

If he asks for a reason why you won't go to joint counseling tell him you know he hasn't been honest with you and it's just a waste of time. Then tell him to get the 6 months of individual counseling for him along with no contact with his AP, and you have breathing room to get your ducks in a row.

...he didn’t know if it was love as it hadn’t been long enough yet, that there is an “added complication as she is married”...

WTF? The complication of him being married to you rather renders that irrelevant, does it not?!

And "yet"?? Does he somehow expect you to be pleased for him as embarks on this exciting new relationship?

...that he misses her (and that I should feel empathy for him for the hurt he’s going through as a result of missing her)...

What?!?! He's really completely and utterly self-absorbed, isn't he? What a dick.

Don't believe what a cheater says. Focus on what you can accept or not, then draw a line. you can’t change them.

This is happening to my DD her hubby was having a sordid affair and the result is 2 broken households and very upset children if I were you I’d be investigating

OP I have been through this myself and the subsequent drip feed. Little nuggets of info changing or being added as the weeks go by.

I was also told nothing had happened, then it all came out and he'd been seeing her for a few years. She thought he was going to leave me for her (she was married).

It was a hard 12 months after that. Couples therapy, all sorts. It's hardened me and I'm preparing myself for the future.

Get rid of the sorry sack of shite . He is deluded and the grass won't be greener ,you are worth more than this my love ♥️

You're not the bad guy - you can try to put up with his 'indiscretions' but you'll be putting up with his scraps of affection and you won't trust him.

Children aren't stupid, they won't know what's going on but they'll know things aren't right.

Better IMO to rip off the plaster.

If he genuinely regrets what he's done, he'll respect you for it.
If he doesn't, you're better off rebuilding your life now.

I would go to the counselling session and see what he says - watch him squirm.

@AgentPidge, He won't squirm. He'll probably come out with some shite like 'I can't help it, she's so nice.' or blame his wife.

He’s acting very deluded, like it’s no big deal - so he obviously has it all figured out in his head. This is a red flag - if it doesn’t work out how he has planned things could turn nasty once his bubble is shattered.

OP you need to get him out of the house, or you out of the house now, today. You’re at most risk of harm at the hands of your husband right now, in this situation.

The fact you added that you pay half the bills and it cripples you shows he doesn’t have any consideration for you already. He didn’t see your marriage as a complication, just hers. He doesn’t sound sane.

If you divorce, with his salary he stands to lose a lot financially.

Do you have somewhere save to go? Would you be willing to call woman’s aid?

This is emotional and financial abuse, he’s gaslighting you and lying to you, ans having lots of spare money whilst you has none.

When he said added complication as she is married did you say “you’re also married!” What did he say??

There are so many threads like this now. Only you can decide if you want to stay and work things out or split up. I wish the best for you, whatever you decide.
💐💐

Leave him and set the lovebirds free. I'm willing to bet that once he is no longer married, his lady friend will suddenly remember she has a husband and prefers her life with him.

I've seen it happen. Office romance, both married, his wife threw him out, whereas the woman decided she only wanted the excitement of an affair, not an actual relationship with the man. He blew up his life for nothing - but his wife was freed from being shackled to an unfaithful idiot.

😮Wow

OP rinse this fucker for everything he's taken from you. Who on earth thinks something like that is fair?

Enjoy spending his money, savings and living off the half of his pension you'll get. This bag of shite will literally be paying for his poor treatment of you and you children for the rest of his life.

@willsandnoodle , OP's DH isn't gaslighting her or financially abusing her.

@MiaKulperhow so? He’s trying to convince her everything is fine, and there is a huge difference in their finances - with op struggling month to month and husband having lots of spare money

@willsandnoodle , He's definitely not gaslighting her. It isn't financial abuse if he wasn't doing it deliberately.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person causes someone to doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity.

Financial abuse is the unauthorized or improper use of someone else's money, property, or financial resources for personal gain, often involving coercion, manipulation, or exploitation.

OP hasn't said that either of those has occurred.

You don’t have to go to the counselling session on Thursday. He can go to counselling and discuss his shitty behaviour with a therapist if he likes. If you feel he will use the session in some way against you then don’t go.

Can always book a session in a few weeks if you think it might help.

He sounds awful and in the long run it’s better his behaviour has been found out now as you can move on and find a better life. Things do get better! It’s hard and overwhelming at the time though.

Do you have a good friend to talk to about this? Someone to offload to? Start finding good family solicitor for advice as well as that will make you feel more in control.