Emotional affair - do I walk away?

[Helpneededprettypls]

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 10. We have two children together, 5 and 7, and a beautiful home.

I recently found a playlist that he had on Spotify (we share an Account) with another girl (someone I had never heard of). I asked him about it and he said she was just a colleague. I asked again the next day and he told me (via text) that he had feelings for her, that he didn’t know if it was love as it hadn’t been long enough yet, that there is an “added complication as she is married”. I asked how long it had been going on. He said he’d only ever met her three times. I asked again a few days later as it made no sense to me that you could fall for someone after meeting them 3 times. He then told me it had been many more times that they had met for “lunch or coffee”.

He insists nothing physical has happened. He told me that he had stopped contact with her, that he misses her (and that I should feel empathy for him for the hurt he’s going through as a result of missing her).

I then found that was all a lie because they are still messaging.

What do I do? Do you think it has been physical? Should I walk away?

Thank you - really appreciate this

“Shoemadlady · Today 20:46
Don’t stand for this. Don’t doubt that he wants to be with her, they’re just working out strategy and logistics. I’d make that decision for him. Pack his bags while he’s at work and change the locks. Make sure you have money, ie transfer house mortgage / bills etc out of a joint account that day too. He will have to grow up and find an alternative safety net. You deserve so much better, I’m so sorry”

@Shoemadlady has nailed it. This with bells on. His thinking is so insulting: you should feel sorry for the hurt he’s going through at being parted from his OW; the complication is that she’s married. It’s like doesn’t see you as a person, @Helpneededprettypls. He doesn’t see you as human; he sees you as some kind of lesser species of being - essentially a domestic appliance that walks and talks and whom he can treat as he wishes. I see no way back. He absolutely should leave but it sounds like he doesn’t have the decency to do so.

Thanks for your msg - the other added issue here is that he earns a lot of money (£450k). Our mortgage is huge and I wouldn’t be able to cover it by myself. What would I be entitled to as part of a divorce?

Couldn’t agree with you more 🫶🏼

Well, he’s not trying very hard is he? I’m sorry OP, you deserve better. Cut him loose.

You deserve better …much better .
You take charge from this point.
Tell him to leave now or you choose to play the long game .
Mumsnet cliche but ‘ducks in a row ‘ finances & legal advice .
Once in place - you decide the order .
Oh and make sure you sort out when he’s taking the kids because you’ll need a bit of time for compiling playlists & things too .
Today is the low point - you will rise again .

Thank you 🫶🏼! Just feel so sad for my little ones and somehow I feel like the bad guy because I’m the one saying let’s separate

Very true - even writing my original post shocked me (again) at what he had done to us

I’m so sorry you went through it too. I looked at his phone and the dates and times of messages were when he was lying in bed next to me - brutal

I’d love to say I’m thriving (and I will be) but this new revelation was only weeks ago and it has floored me. We were married 30 years nearly. He had said he didn’t want a relationship and just wanted to be single but turns out within months of our separation they were holidaying abroad together. Still maintains nothing happened while they were both married though.

You (and I) deserve so much better and I wish you the very best of luck.

I agree - he just keeps acting as though everything is normal and I can’t even look at him because I’m so mad

Thank you - everything feels very bleak at the moment - where will we live/how will I cope with the days when he’ll have the kids/will I meet someone else or be lonely forever 😂

Walk away

We do! We’ve got this 💪

Op the thought of leaving must be so overwhelming, but the thought of staying and what it would do to your confidence and peace is worse. Get some legal advice

He’s booked a marriage counselling session for Thursday evening- I’ve no idea why and I suspect that he’s going into it thinking he can play the charming guy and somehow win the therapist over. Dreading it!

Spotify has a messaging section. See if you can find messages between them there.
Absolutely ltb! He’s scum.

Personally I would ask him to move out for the tole
being. Do not do the pick me dance.
see a solicitor,
do you work? Have access to money?

Everything will feel bleak while you’re in the thick of it and it will only be with the benefit of hindsight that you will be able to look back and see the benefits.
I speak as someone who spent 13 years with Mr wrong, when it came time to leave I got upset as who would I go to the cinema with (my best friend stepped in or I learnt to go on my own) who would I go on holiday with (my cousin tagged me along with her and her kids) who’d do my mot and service my car (a friend of a friend does it) would I be alone forever ( I spent 7 years on my own by choice and am now with Mr oh so right)
You will come out the other side a stronger person but right now you only need to focus on your next step and the others will naturally follow in time.

You don't have to be a part of this. Honestly, can you see moving forward with him in your marriage after this? If yes it might be worth going, but if not, what would be the point?

You don't have to do anything if you don't want to.

Have you asked him why he wants to stay together if he loves another woman? He hasn’t apologised or made it clear he values your relationship so why does he want to try to rebuild something he didn’t value in the first place?

If he’s a high earner then there is a chance you would receive spousal maintenance and well as child support. That doesn’t mean changes won’t be needed but you should get some legal advice on what to expect. There isn’t a price on peace of mind. You won’t get that with him.

By “complication” does he mean her marriage is what is getting in the way.

I do think people should be honest about this kind of thing. That doesn’t mean dispersing of tact and sensitivity and expecting their partner to be supportive while they dither about ending their marriage or not

Yeah it showed them sharing songs but said “these songs were shared off-app” - assume via WhatsApp

he literally said “there’s an added complication in that she is married” - quite the complication I’d say 😂

Yes I work but get no where near what he does although I do pay 50% of mortgage/bills etc (looking back now I’m not sure why I did that as it cripples me every month and barely touches his salary)