Emotional affair - do I walk away?

[Helpneededprettypls]

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 10. We have two children together, 5 and 7, and a beautiful home.

I recently found a playlist that he had on Spotify (we share an Account) with another girl (someone I had never heard of). I asked him about it and he said she was just a colleague. I asked again the next day and he told me (via text) that he had feelings for her, that he didn’t know if it was love as it hadn’t been long enough yet, that there is an “added complication as she is married”. I asked how long it had been going on. He said he’d only ever met her three times. I asked again a few days later as it made no sense to me that you could fall for someone after meeting them 3 times. He then told me it had been many more times that they had met for “lunch or coffee”.

He insists nothing physical has happened. He told me that he had stopped contact with her, that he misses her (and that I should feel empathy for him for the hurt he’s going through as a result of missing her).

I then found that was all a lie because they are still messaging.

What do I do? Do you think it has been physical? Should I walk away?

Update: the OW’s husband messaged me on LinkedIn - so she’s told him. My husband and OW’s plan to blow both their lives up is clearly a go!

I'm sorry he's an asshole and even if it doesn't feel like it yet, you deserve so much better.

Get the best counselling you can fine and more importantly the best solicitor you can find to negotuate the best divorce you can.

If you can park the emotion, next time you see him just say "the more people I talk to about this, the more I realise that a split is the best thing that will ever happen me".

Say nothing more than that will annoy a man like him....he doesn't know if you mean a solicitor, family, friend's etc.

You need to get to the "fuck him, I'm better off without him" zone.

Hope you're getting your ducks in a row. Get a good lawyer and tell him to piss off.

I am so sorry OP. The pair of them are utterly selfish.

The selfish bastards!

Give him the chance to miss you too, leave, go no contact and move on.

My ex blew his life up for his emotional affair partner (she refused to sleep with him until he’d dumped me, which he didn’t have the balls to do, so I did it for him), he moved in with her before they’d even had sex, so she didn’t know about his ED, lol. They hated each other within 3m. I guess their plans didn’t include any thoughts to actual reality. They just wanted the excitement and validation, not the day to day slog. He’s told my ds that she thought he was rich, but the high salary and money he was using to look so good and pay for the nice car were all mine, ha ha! I guess she picked the wrong spouse!

I know in life we aren’t supposed to seek revenge but that must have been a little bit satisfying.
Hope you are okay now!

That is hilarious @FloweryPenPot.My husband's EA partner also lives around the corner and is a parent in my son's class. She got into the habit of 'dropping in' last summer and was practically measuring for curtains. My house, my money.

I am sorry but also glad for you that the OW's husband has been in touch OP. He is an ally, and you need one. I am afraid it is easy to feel you are going a little mad, making sense of it all and having to rewrite your history and the relationship you were supposed to be able to trust and depend on. There is someone else as close to this as you are, and you can hopefully hold some peace for each other for a season.

I love this! Talk about FAFO! I hope he's leading a miserable life and bitterly regrets his behaviour. Thank goodness for his erectile disfunction!

This. What an arsehole.

If a partner or husband ever did this to me, I know it’s petty but I’d definitely put fish in curtains or whatever sneaky revenge stuff you can do. It would make me feel better. Temporarily at least!

He would have to pay you £1697 a month in child support.

In any divorce, you could pursue him for Economic recompense, if your career has taken a back step to care for the kids.

He has to share his pension with you too - as alot of people don't want to wait until retirement, this is often facilitated by the person with the smaller pension getting more out of the financial pot (house equity).

You need a very good lawyer. You'll be amazed at what you're entitled to Op.

FWIW, my first H had a lot of dalliances. The ONLY time he actually listened to me and took stock, was when I announced we were over. Then he regretted everything and begged me to stay. Nothing else before that opened his ears.

I would do the following :

Consult a divorce solicitor and get them to draw up a separation agreement which shows all the assets and the proposed split (hugely in your favour as your pension will be less than his)

Print off the CSA calculation showing what he has to pay you

See what benefits you might be entitled to

Figure out if you can afford to keep the house, once you've taken into account all the finances as per above

Tell her husband what's been going on

Pack him a case & tell him to leave. Ask him which solicitor he will be appointing, so that your solicitor can send on the separation agreement to them

Tell his parents what's happened

The above will scare the absolute shit out of him. It will most likely nip the whole thing in the bud. But I wouldn't want him after this.

FWIW, I did follow through and leave my H, but it took me 4 years to do it! I just fell out of love with him. Over that 4 years, I started to notice other men when I went out. I'd always had blinkers on before. Then I actually had an affair myself. I realised that "other men are available".

I left him, and 8 weeks later met my wonderful DH. Been together 18 years now. You deserve better than this - hell everyone deserves better than this! You are no-one's back up plan, FFS.

How fucking dare he! Find your anger Op. And defo calculate the financials, Knowledge is power.

My ExH was very disgruntled that I walked away with much more of the house equity than him, due to the fact that his pension was larger than mine.

Boo fucking Hoo.

Sorry Op, in my haste to write a post to you, I missed some of your later updates. That's great you've seen a Sol. Take him for every single penny. This is your only chance. Take copies of his wage slips, as he may lie to CSA about what he earns (mine did).

Well then, let's all wish them both a shared life that's as full of misery as the lives they've destroyed in order to be together
FFS!
How on earth anyone can truly believe that they will be happy with someone who has done what these two are doing is beyond me, but let them at it OP; you are worth more than he ever deserved and Mrs shiny new fanny is getting this version of him - the man who can destroy a family because of his dick and his 'love' for her.... how can she ignore that he'll probably do the same to her when the cold light of day shines upon them? Or she will do it to him?
My ExH 'fell in love' with OW after 21 years with me...and yes I was beyond hurt and devastated but I threw him out and wouldn't have him back when OW (surprisingly/disappointingly to him!) didn't know or accommodate his little (selfish) ways, didn't want anything less than the very best charming version of him 24/7 and (karma) actually turned out to be quite the prude in bed and not particularly interested in having sex at all once he was 'hers' - he was VERY upset about that🤣
I'm just trying to add my voice to those who have already (and very eloquently) told you that you will get over this and one day you will actually not only be happy again but triumphant x

How on earth anyone can truly believe that they will be happy with someone who has done what these two are doing is beyond me
Because they are thinking with their genitals.

OMG!!!!! I had to rub my eyes and make sure I didn't send this...

It's happening to me as well - this shit is madness!!!!!

I guess he'll be taking himself off soon then. He just wants to do it at a time that suits him. I guess you're going along with that too OP?

haha, serves them bloody right!

Sorry you’re going through it too - have you messaged the other woman? I really really want to!!

I’m sorry you have been through this - I have no doubt that after time together they will realise the massive mistakes they’ve both made, it just makes me so sad for my two children (and even her two children) that are the innocent bystanders in all this

Hell no, fuck them! She’s just one of many that predator preyed upon and she’s blowing her life up for a downgrade without knowing!