Emotional affair - do I walk away?

[Helpneededprettypls]

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 10. We have two children together, 5 and 7, and a beautiful home.

I recently found a playlist that he had on Spotify (we share an Account) with another girl (someone I had never heard of). I asked him about it and he said she was just a colleague. I asked again the next day and he told me (via text) that he had feelings for her, that he didn’t know if it was love as it hadn’t been long enough yet, that there is an “added complication as she is married”. I asked how long it had been going on. He said he’d only ever met her three times. I asked again a few days later as it made no sense to me that you could fall for someone after meeting them 3 times. He then told me it had been many more times that they had met for “lunch or coffee”.

He insists nothing physical has happened. He told me that he had stopped contact with her, that he misses her (and that I should feel empathy for him for the hurt he’s going through as a result of missing her).

I then found that was all a lie because they are still messaging.

What do I do? Do you think it has been physical? Should I walk away?

thanks for asking how I’m feeling - I’m not sure - some days I think I can do this, I’m strong, other days I feel sad that my life as I know it has ended. It’s hard not knowing what the future will look like and where I’ll end up. He keeps being really nice to me, saying I’m a great mum, saying that he is sorry he couldn’t make me happy, I think it’s making me feel guilty I guess and worrying that I’m being unreasonable in what I expect from a partner. He wants to remain living together for a bit but I don’t think that’s a good idea - what do you think?

For your own sanity get him to leave. He wants things to stay the same while he still has his fancy woman. You need to move on.

Of course he wants to stay put he’s got a lovely home base with mummy being a lovely mummy while he goes to his OW as and when.
Would he allow this?
Would he be fine with staying at home while you go out and sleep with another man? No.
I am so sorry you are going through this.

“Sorry he can’t make you happy” how gaslighting, as if you are the initiator/the one creating dissatisfaction. …… I remember when I ended our marriage because my ex was fucking a woman fifteen years our junior, and failing to give her up. He said “it’s your choice to end this marriage and leave. You could have stayed. I’m not the one making the decision” 🤣 the entitlement of implying ‘I’m kind- offering you the chance to stay as a cheated on wife with me acting in complete disregard for your feelings, dignity and the promises I made you…Where has your commitment gone, that you are not up for that?’

Get him to leave if you possibly can. That stage when he’s hanging around can be extremely difficult, can muddy the waters, and feel like an assault on your boundaries.

You are living in a limbo- not part of your previous life and not free to pursue a future one , whatever form that takes. I was married for 28 years and it ended due to his infidelity with a friend of ours. I now have a new life and it's wonderful. No one needs to live as an option.

So in his eyes your role is Mum to his children while her role is romantic and sexual partner OP.
Please don't go diwn the route of living in the same house. You will play the part of nanny to his children while he gets on with his life with his new woman. It will destroy your self esteem and cause you such grief.

Yes, this is the complication that means he hasn’t left @Helpneededprettypls yet, because if she were not married they would be together… that’s what he’s saying isn’t it? And OP is supposed to empathise with him on the understanding that he is only still with her because of this other woman’s situation. He needs a bit of a slap (not that I condone violence ever, but… really?)

So I’d be asking him to move out and give me space, and speaking to a divorce lawyer this week.

He’s not being nice to you. He’s being a manipulative cunt.

He has admitted to you that he has feelings for another woman and he’s not done anything to stop that. He’s actively engaging in - at best - an emotional affair or - at worst - a full-blown physical affair.

He couldn’t make you happy because he cheated on his wedding vows and has actively pursued an attachment to another woman.

That is 100% on him and is a very very low bar which apparently he still managed to slither under.

I wouldn’t co-habit with a man who’s already trying to gaslight you. Cut the cord and get your life back. It’s normal to feel sad - you thought you were in a loving relationship. Grieve for what you thought it was but don’t feel guilty for wanting the bare essentials from a relationship 💐

100% what the last poster said. Don't let that fucker have your reality.

How are you doing OP? We are hear if you want to talk.

He wants to remain living together so he can put on the nice guy act, hoping that if it doesn't work out with her he can persuade you to stay together. From the things you said, irrespective of the cheating, regarding finances, gifts etc I'd be telling you to leave him anyway. You deserve to be treated much better and you will be so much happier without him.

Bloody hell, the more you post about the vile cretin, the worse he sounds!
He earns 450k but happily lets you pay half the mortgage etc, you organise and financially contribute to the family holiday and he dresses that up as being your birthday present and now he’s cheating on you in plain sight!
He’s disgusting. Kick his sorry arse to the kerb.

How dare he?

If he said to me again, 'Sorry I couldn't make you happy' I'd have to snap back, 'NO woman could be happy with you, Dave. You had an affair with another woman, so it doesn't actually feel like you were trying terribly hard, does it? This is all on you and your actions, please don't make it sound like you desperately tried to make me 'happy', it's genuinely adding insult to injury'.

And see a solicitor. He's not nice and he can't continue to live in the same house as you.

Thanks for all your messages! Update: i came home last night and he told me that he had told a (female) friend about us separating (I was surprised he told her first as she’s more a distant friend if that makes sense, not a close friend). He said that she wasn’t surprised when he told her as she thought we weren’t close (no idea how as I’ve met her say 4 times max in 16 years). He then said that he told her about the other woman and that he’s introduced her to the other woman. I said to him that’s incredibly hurtful to tell me that and he said I’m trying to be open and honest and acted like I was being so cruel (you know, the whole poor me face)! I’m fuming. I told him he needs to find somewhere else to live. He’s been for drinks practically every night since I said to separate - he’s clearly not in the slightest bit bothered by this whole situation

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, he's turned into a real nasty piece of work hasn't he. Self centred prick.

My bet is this conversation with this female freind didn't go anything like he told you, if he's told her anything at all, he's now just making stuff up and involving other people (that you aren't likely to question) to try and cement his story that it's the best thing all round and he actually deserves some kind of pity for how it's all turned out. Just some sad 'we drifted apart' kind off bullshit he's going to reel off to people.

Fuck him OP, get him out of the asap, gaslighting POS

He really is twisting the knife OP.
Trying to make out people are " on his side" and see things from his point of view. Trying to isolate you and trying to make you seem small and unimportant.
Goodness knows if or how the conversation with this woman really panned out. It doesnt really matter OP because it doesn't alter the fact he is behaving shamefully.
What a nasty piece of work he is.

Amen to this. Honestly, it’s the whole pity party I can’t stand - like I’m the bad one - it’s actually making me feel guilty

He could be making all that up. Who cares, he's an idiot. Find your anger and kick him out.

He’s a piece of shit, how dare he act like the victim here. What an arse wipe

This.

Please take care of yourself. Do not be led into guilt. He is the sole author of this situation.

Kick him out immediately OP .. he’s having his cake and eating it. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Any decent woman who was told this by a male friend would feel her stomach churn.
He is absolutely pathetic. There is nothing more unattractive than a toadying little man running a cheating PR campaign.
God bless whoever has him next she has no idea what she’s letting herself in for.
Not your problem. You’ve done your stint, and now you don’t have to endure this. You are not a landlady, your home isn’t a hotel and you are not his mother.

Fucking hell, what a cock.

So he's scanning around for people distant enough that he can get away with some bullshit account (and who probably glazed over and started nodding frantically and scanning for the exit the minute they realised what he was up to) so he can gaslight you into thinking it's all for the best in the best of all possible worlds, rather than that he is just a woefully transparent twat with his cock in his hand?

Ignore all his BS. Or raise an eyebrow and say, 'Really? Because when I told close friends they were shocked that you've been such a twat. Of course, (Jackie) doesn't know anything about the situation, does she? I mean, I've met her, what, four times? She's barely an acquaintance. Either way, other people's opinions are irrelevant'.

He only wants to live with you because it’s convenient, until he’s sorted something else out. Don’t make life easy for him.