Emotional affair - do I walk away?

[Helpneededprettypls]

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 10. We have two children together, 5 and 7, and a beautiful home.

I recently found a playlist that he had on Spotify (we share an Account) with another girl (someone I had never heard of). I asked him about it and he said she was just a colleague. I asked again the next day and he told me (via text) that he had feelings for her, that he didn’t know if it was love as it hadn’t been long enough yet, that there is an “added complication as she is married”. I asked how long it had been going on. He said he’d only ever met her three times. I asked again a few days later as it made no sense to me that you could fall for someone after meeting them 3 times. He then told me it had been many more times that they had met for “lunch or coffee”.

He insists nothing physical has happened. He told me that he had stopped contact with her, that he misses her (and that I should feel empathy for him for the hurt he’s going through as a result of missing her).

I then found that was all a lie because they are still messaging.

What do I do? Do you think it has been physical? Should I walk away?

He has lied to you, over and over. He hasn't ended contact with her and doesn't plan to. If the affair hasn't been physical YET it's not because he wouldn't.

The feel empathy part 😂 idk how men have the nerve to say this nonsense with a straight face. Goodness me.

It's because they are thinking with their dicks.

Bet he has a massive pension pot that could help get you a new home post divorce

@Helpneededprettypls - it is pretty disgusting that he is on £450k p.a. and has been letting you pay 50% of the mortgage and bills allowing you to be financially crippled each month. How did that come about? He obviously doesn't see you as a team. A dear friend of mine (now divorced) had this in her marriage and when she described it to the police, they considered that to be financial abuse. Like others, if that's how he makes you live, I think you would likely be better off divorced. You need to pay for proper legal advice on your entitlements.

This is just awful - I'm so sorry - especially that it's a mum in your kid's class. Absolutely brutal! Thinking of you!

He insisted that I get therapy - told me to speak to people to "realise that this was completely normal" - I told my friends and family and they were like, err, no, this is NOT normal!

You know you don't have to go to counselling with him, don't you? I'd be absolutely blanking him and speaking to a solicitor asap. Yes it's scary to take a step into the unknown but what's the alternative? Staying with someone who has betrayed you in the most disgusting way is infinitely more scary.

It's bizarre isn't it - he tells me stuff and then when I'm upset about it he says you ask me questions and then when I answer you get hurt by it (as though that is somehow surprising to him). I genuinely think he feels no empathy. It's all what he feels. He even told me this to start with over whatsapp - not in person! Didn't even rush home from work that day to have a conversation with me about it - I was at home looking after our youngest as he was off sick from school that day, had to wait until 8pm when he got home to even talk to him about it face to face

What on earth does he think is normal? To tell your spouse you have feelings for another person but you're not sure yet if it's love; that the complication is that this other person is married; that your spouse should feel sorry for you as you pine over the other person!?!? And he wants you to have therapy to accept that it is normal. It is quite monstrous of him to think that is normal. It really is like he thinks you don't really exist as a person, that you're something less than human and don't really count. But given your financial arrangements, he's sounding pretty uncaring and nasty.

Did you stay together or separate? I'm sorry you have gone through this too :(

@Helpneededprettyplssadly it sounds like he now sees you as his mother or sister , just there to comment on his other romances

Yeah, I'm interested to know what he's going to say to be honest

It is quite monstrous of him to think that is normal. I don't think it is. IMO their thinking becomes so screwed that they come out with nonsense.

'It's not his fault, it is all OP's fault. She made him do it. She needs therapy...'
It's his dick talking.

Yes, have a strong network so have been talking to them a lot which has definitely helped. I guess I wanted more opinions on it (probably to ease my thinking that I'm not making the right decision). Thank you all for your comments - I really appreciate it!

It's bonkers isn't it

How are you actually doing? I bet he’s continuing life as normal isn’t it!

I don't really know to be honest how that came about - I guess I just felt that I should be paying half but looking at it now in black and white it sounds ridiculous.

Remember this. The more he earns, the more the divorce will cost HIM!! No reason why you can’t stay in the house with the kids.

Affairs are not normal. Betrayal is not normal. His behaviour is not normal for a happily married man. He doesn’t get to define normal.

Marriage guidance isn’t going to help here. You are both past the point.

He is completely carrying on as normal. He tried to hug me this morning in front of the kids and I was frozen. Not sure why he would do that given the situation and it felt like he did it in front of the kids because he knew that I couldnt say anything. He also cooked dinner last night - the first time in years - again, it doesn't make sense to me - does he think that makes up for all this?

Get him to change jobs & cut off contact or ditch him

Just read the finance part - get rid now!

You won't figure it our, but it's probably him trying to make him look good in front of the kids.
It doesn't mean that he won't be seeing her or that he's not thinking of her.

He'll try to make you out to be the bad guy.

Get the legal advice and get rid of him. He needs a proverbial kick in the gonads.

I'd be stopping that immediately! Urgh, so sorry he's putting you through this - you sound awesome and pretty strong, so I'm sure you'll come out of this even stronger.

What a prick!! How dare he do this to you. So sorry this is happening but glad you have found out. What an idiot he is. Run! He doesn’t deserve you.x

It's very bizarre. And astonishing that he got to the stage of being married if this is the way he treats people.