Emotional affair - do I walk away?

[Helpneededprettypls]

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 10. We have two children together, 5 and 7, and a beautiful home.

I recently found a playlist that he had on Spotify (we share an Account) with another girl (someone I had never heard of). I asked him about it and he said she was just a colleague. I asked again the next day and he told me (via text) that he had feelings for her, that he didn’t know if it was love as it hadn’t been long enough yet, that there is an “added complication as she is married”. I asked how long it had been going on. He said he’d only ever met her three times. I asked again a few days later as it made no sense to me that you could fall for someone after meeting them 3 times. He then told me it had been many more times that they had met for “lunch or coffee”.

He insists nothing physical has happened. He told me that he had stopped contact with her, that he misses her (and that I should feel empathy for him for the hurt he’s going through as a result of missing her).

I then found that was all a lie because they are still messaging.

What do I do? Do you think it has been physical? Should I walk away?

It's a performance. He doesn't want to separate, he wants to carry on the same as he is so he is acting out the role he knows he should be doing. It's all fake.

In therapy he will say she's just a friend. I wouldn't go to therapy with him, I would focus on separation as he's clearly checked out already and is just trying to hang on to his cushy life.

Make it uncomfortable for him. See a solicitor.

Well, Thank the Lord, he has a good salary, you own half of the house, can get half of his pension & savings. Downsize. you will be OK, in time you will bounce back.
One thing is sure, you can't ignore this. What does he think is going to happen ? She makes the decision to leave her husband & they swan off together ? or if she doesn't, he slinks back home feeling sorry for himself & you just carry on being his comforter blanket?
How dare he say her marriage is a complication? what about his own marriage?
Unfortunately the counselling may not show him up to be another middle aged selfish dick. sometimes they manage to hypnotise the theoretical expert !
Tell him he can fuck off & live with her, or without her, but you will not have him coming back "home", where his jettisoned wife & children live while he pines for another woman. Why would he come home anyway? because there is food in the fridge, a bed, a clean shirt ? please tell me you are not sleeping in the same bed He has already mentally & emotionally left, he can take the rest of his worthlessness out with the trash.
Be cool, Be certain. Cut of his supply.

He told me that she is going to tell her husband about it too. Almost like they've made a plan together. Hah - yes, he moved to the spare room when I found out about it, and strangely he said to me "how will you sleep without me there" - me: I'll be just fine thank you!

Let me guess - she’s 10+ years younger than him and in a less senior role than him. He was just acting as a “mentor” to her at work and she looks up to him (his salary) 🙄

I would be tempted to go to one counselling session with him - sit back, keep quiet and let him tie himself in knots trying to get the therapist to affirm that this is all normal. Any decent therapist will call him out on any manipulative behaviour. We went to marriage counselling and she was amazing at calling out his bullshit and telling him when he was being unreasonable! He thought it was just me being unreasonable, but he needed to hear someone else say it too before he began to realise. If you don’t want to answer any questions you can say “I’m not sure right now, I’m thinking it all over, DH is the one who booked the season and said he needed it.” And just let him talk.

That's good advice - thank you. No, they don't work directly together (not even in the same office). She's my age - 40 - 2 years younger than him.

Does she have children too ? if yes, looks like your H will be mixing families in his new set up... Has he thought about that.

Does she expect her husband to stroke her anxious brow & say that it's fine? There really is no conversation, just a mea culpa.
Sorry Darling, I've got a new friend, So we are over. Byeee.

iI suppose if her husband tells her to leave, then your "what to do" question will be obsolete.

Yes, she has two children (roughly the same age as ours). Apparently she is in therapy with her husband (not sure why if she's doing this - also makes no sense to me).

Does her husband have any inkling? So basically the pair of them have hit it off my talking about their marriages and their problems.. sure they will last, not.

Just to give you my perspective as I'm two years down the line.
Very similar story (aren't they all)
My ex is still making the divorce really hard. Tried to take the kids 75% of the time because he didn't want to pay child maintenance. Ended up getting 25% of the time.

But, I feel SO FREE. I am 1000% happier then when I was living with him. I met someone really lovely who is emotionally intelligent and we are taking it very slowly.

Once you are out the clouds lift and you are shocked at what you put up with.

Please put yourself first. 💐

Exactly - seems that way! I'm not sure if he knows - he told me that she was going to tell her husband about him so maybe?

If you split 50/50 do you get zero child maintenance? Thanks for your message - and I'm sorry you went through it too - what happened (if you don't mind sharing with me)? I think even putting this all in writing is showing me a lot so your part about being shocked at what you put up with resonates with me.

Get a divorce: Before you apply - GOV.UK
Family and children | Advicenow

The how you will cope without the kids- over time you will appreciate the break! I did. It gave me a life back.

OP, I’ve not read the full thread (although have read all your posts) but just wanted to say that this is also very new and fresh and raw for you and you don’t have to act or even make any decisions immediately. That doesn’t mean condoning his behaviour or being the ‘good little wife’ while he decides what he wants — it just means that if you need time to think about what YOU want (and possibly get your ducks in a row — things like getting info about his pensions, savings etc), that’s okay.
Good luck.

Not intending to be crass, but he's offering you
a great opportunity for peace and freedom in the future, the idiot.
I would take it.

Watch on YouTube oprah winfrey interview with Belle Burden. Similar situation. You dh checked out, disconnected from you. I think you will find a lot of similarities in your case.

There is an online calculator for child maintainance. My husband is a high earner (but less than your husband. When I ran our details through the calculator during a bad patch in our marriage, he would still have to pay £1200 in CM for our 3 kids if we had them 50/50, as he earns much more money than me.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

He is a hideous excuse of a person. Make plans, sell up, get what you are owed and move on. Set up your own Spotify playlist with someone hot (I doubt your DH and his side piece are).

So, (this is so outing!!)...
My ex was having an affair with the manager at the local coop. It was emotional for months and only became physical as his parents went away on holiday and he took her there and slept with her in his childhood bedroom.

Since I kicked him out... I've worked so hard on my self esteem. What I suffered was emotional and financial abuse. He built his business while I was at home with the kids. Hiding money left right and centre while I put nearly all of my salary into the joint account.

I fully believe that a man who cheats is an abuser. The manipulation, lying and gaslighting. Making me think I was insane.

Her husband ended up sending me a message and I knew who is was as I knew something was going on. I'll always appreciate what he did.

My ex 'trained' (probably the wrong word) to do everything, house, work, childcare, shopping, cooking... everything. Without feeling anything. I was numb because I wasn't ever heard or my feelings were not his problem.

I got mad. I kicked him out. I didn't feel guilty for his conscious actions. I kept my children from emotional abuse. He still sees them. But they are so much happier with 2 happy houses.

You will be fine. This is the start!

I would have to seize control of this narrative. Find the poor husband, copy the messages, share, stand well back. Laugh maniacally in their faces when they challenge you. Your husband is not an ally and needs to be reminded who he’s dealing with.

I honestly don’t know how some of these men keep a straight face when they come out with these corkers - you should feel empathy for him? Jog on, cuntychops.

The thing is, even if she decides "to give her marriage a chance", if the husband wants the same. Your H will still not revert to "standard", he will be hurt, mope, they may even continue to be in contact.
Then what's to stop him moving onto the next willing woman that crosses his path? You are second best, He doesn't Love you, isn't faithful to his marriage, & seems to think that being a lying cheating bastard is "normal"
Do you want to be the fall back? could you just patch over & be the scorned wife who pretends to be OK ? You don't sound like that kind of woman .
What do you want ? Obviously you didn't want this situation to happen, but it has. You can't rewind.

@Helpneededprettypls I'm raging on your behalf OP. And yes, I've been through it. Apart from the horror of the affair, it was his complete detachment and lack of empathy that floored me. I said to him once that surely he could put a hand my shoulder and say sorry. Surely he understood my pain given we'd spent 26 years together and shared so much. Nope. Nothing. He looked and spoke to me as if I was an inanimate object. I can honestly say that if I had done the dirty on him, I would've had terrible guilt and sympathy for the man I'd shared much of my life with. But this is common for men, they find it very easy to compartmentalse and detach. Take him to the cleaners OP and wish him well with the new love of his life. Wonder how long it will last.

He’s lying. Leave is the best thing you can do. He will string you along until he makes up his mind. You and kids are not important other than as a safety net should he decide not to pursue.

You will enjoy your counselling session .. another poster recently had the same .. the counsellor kept wiping the floor with him when he kept trying to insist this was normal.