Emotional affair - do I walk away?

[Helpneededprettypls]

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 10. We have two children together, 5 and 7, and a beautiful home.

I recently found a playlist that he had on Spotify (we share an Account) with another girl (someone I had never heard of). I asked him about it and he said she was just a colleague. I asked again the next day and he told me (via text) that he had feelings for her, that he didn’t know if it was love as it hadn’t been long enough yet, that there is an “added complication as she is married”. I asked how long it had been going on. He said he’d only ever met her three times. I asked again a few days later as it made no sense to me that you could fall for someone after meeting them 3 times. He then told me it had been many more times that they had met for “lunch or coffee”.

He insists nothing physical has happened. He told me that he had stopped contact with her, that he misses her (and that I should feel empathy for him for the hurt he’s going through as a result of missing her).

I then found that was all a lie because they are still messaging.

What do I do? Do you think it has been physical? Should I walk away?

Slightly different as my ex never admitted feelings and it was just a long series of red flags over his work colleague who became his best friend. The first suspicions started around 10yrs ago. We separated 2 yrs ago. Weeks after divorce was finalised he asked the (adult) kids if they’d like to meet his “new”girlfriend. Guess who??
So my advice would be to run for the hills.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this and really feel for you. I'm going through similar at the moment. I confronted him again yesterday and he got really angry with me! He's spent the last year doggedly sticking to the 'she was just a friend' line. Apparently 'she really gets me'. I'm glad someone does.

Yes.

He’s in deep and you’ve found him out.

Would be hard to recover from such a betrayal and why would you want too?

You could never trust him again.

OP, you deserve so much more than him!

Yes.

He’s in deep and you’ve found him out.

Would be hard to recover from such a betrayal and why would you want too?

You could never trust him again.

OP, you deserve so much more than him!

There are certainly some songs you could add to that playlist.

Physical or not (it is, would be willing to bet), it is not important. That man is out, @Helpneededprettypls . Whether it's "real" love, the excitement of someone new, or whatever it might be, he checked out of what the two of you shared, and cheated on you (emotionally, physically, or both).

All of this aside, there is nothing to consider, why would you even consider staying with someone who checked out, loves someone else, and betrayed your relationship. The only solution is to exit as fast as you can, and never look back. Sorry, I know it is hard, given your long-standing relationship, but there is nothing to stay for, but further humiliation.

What he's really said is that he's with you purely becsuse she isn't because she's married.

If she wanted him, he would be gone.

I'm sorry but you deserve far better than that.

It’s hard as hell to go through this OP and you have my sympathy, people in his situation sometimes seem to become blinkered and completely unaware of how their actions are affecting the people he’s supposed to prioritise both as a husband and a dad. I wonder if her husband knew about this too it would crack the illusion for them. At the moment it’s the thrill of doing something forbidden. If he’s messing about with a colleague though things at work could get complicated.

Even though it’s hard to put into practice remember your sense of peace was shattered. Don’t think you owe him any semblance of making him feel better about the choices he made behind your back

I came on prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt, but as soon as I read the OP I was 'no no no no!' He's lied, he's minimised - I would not be at all surprised to find it had gone beyond 'just messaging' (but probably not full sex yet, because he's telling himself what a good husband he is).

How can he possibly be justifying any of this? And assuming that you'll just suck it up (if you'll pardon the expression), does he think you're wearing that doormat?

He’s shown you how he feels about you. You’re a complication stopping him from his ‘real’ love. He expects you to look after the kids, the house and his needs while he figures out whether this new relationship he is in will go the distance and whether she will leave her husband for him. If the answer is yes he will have no qualms about bolting to be with her leaving you in the shit. Take control. His behaviour is appalling and you have to assume everything he says is a lie or self-serving.

First get all the financial information you need to divorce. Then tell him he’s free to pursue his new love and he is no longer shackled by your relationship but you expect him to move out and plan for a fair divorce. Nothing kills new love than the practicalities of where you are going to live. He might not be so ‘in love’ when he realises she doesn’t care about him enough to blow up her life.

But regardless of whether they work out, be true to yourself. Be someone you will look back on and be proud on how you handled this.

Divorce the bastard and take him for what you can.
Full stop.

He’s completely untrustworthy. I think your relationship is over. 💐

Pardon me, “the added complication is that SHE is married” WTF, what about the fact that HE’S married!! I usually despair at the posts that’s first resorts are to leave him but I think in this case it’s perfectly valid! How hurtful and soul destroying for you and he has the bare faced cheek to ask for your sympathy because he’s missing her! What an absolute arse wipe!!

If OP can access the playlist we need to collate some doozies for OP to add onto it!!

@Helpneededprettypls What an utter tosspot. He has no respect or regard for you if he thinks things should carry on as normal whilst his love & attention are lavished on another woman. Morals lower than whale vomit.

Get a good solicitor & do not make life easy for him whilst the divorce goes through.

I think best to start a different thread for anything like that.

Poor OP.
(I can remember what it was like and it was hideous - and that was without married with young children.)

Look after yourself and your children @Helpneededprettypls . Be strong.

I would make it very clear to him that this is not happening. That you are not his second best option and that you have now lost all respect you ever had for him.

Get financial stuff together and go see a solicitor. You'll never forget about this scenario now. He's poisoned your marriage beyond repair.

What a scumbag. I wouldn’t be able to tolerate this, or ever believe another word that comes out of his mouth.

Don’t stand for this. Don’t doubt that he wants to be with her, they’re just working out strategy and logistics. I’d make that decision for him. Pack his bags while he’s at work and change the locks. Make sure you have money, ie transfer house mortgage / bills etc out of a joint account that day too. He will have to grow up and find an alternative safety net. You deserve so much better, I’m so sorry

I’m glad you are taking control of the narrative and asked him to move out. Guess that was a shock, because he felt he controlled the narrative, and assumed the marriage was safe until he decided otherwise.,

I think you’re right. It just cuts doesn’t it - you think you know someone - for 16 years at that - and it turns out that they’re not the person you thought they were. I keep thinking did he change over time or was he always like this and I was just so in love I didn’t notice

Grr - I am fuming for you! They are so pathetic aren’t they! Why do they just carry on with the wife - I guess it makes their life easier - have their cake and eat it. How is life post divorce for you? The unknown of it all scares me

Yeah my hb told me that too - my brain was screaming F off to her then! Mine sometimes gets angry but mostly it’s he’s the victim and gaslighting me

I wanted to delete them all and add that song “I hate you so much right now” somehow restrained myself enough to delete the playlist and block her (not sure if he’s realised that yet)

My husband had what I thought at the time was an emotional affair but I later found out it had been physical. My biggest regret is not being tough enough on him at the very beginning. It meant I wasted two years doing my best to reconcile while he was still grubbing around behind my back, apparently unable to decide what he wanted. My advice would be to kick him out, that might be the shot across the bow he needs to bring him back to reality or it might spell the end. But at least you won’t have wasted any time on some lying cheat.