DM hasn’t told family I’m separated from DH

[Iwishitwerewarmer]

Separated from DH last July and I moved out of the family home. I did initially say to DM that we might be considering a trial separation but as time goes on it is obvious that there is no going back now.

My dilemma is that DM has not told any of our family (aunties, cousins etc) so at Christmas we had joint gifts and all Christmas cards were sent to the family home. A few days ago my cousin sent Easter eggs for us all to the family home. Also if there’s a birthday in the family I have to sign the card from myself and ex like we are still together.

My mum says she is so ashamed and that the family will “give her hell” She said that all conversations from now on will be on our separation/divorce. All of ex’s family know and all my friends/colleagues etc. The worry is that my family will somehow find out anyway although there are not many of them and we don’t see much of them.

DM is treating this as the shame of the century 🙈

So? You're an adult, this is all very weird.

You're a grown adult so you need to tell them. Why is it your mums responsibility. Its ridiculous you're still adding your husbands name to cards. Just tell them.
Your mum may well be embarrassed but thats her issue not yours. Would she prefer you to stay in an unhappy marriage?

My husbands ex wife didn't tell her family they had split up. But 3 years later he was getting married to me and their daughter was being a bridesmaid. She was really excited and wanted to tell her Grandma that she was being a bridesmaid, which she did. And thats how her mum's side of the the family found out!

It’s not going over her head, it’s YOUR separation, not your DM’s. She’s not your line manager.

Half of marriages end in divorce, it’s no big deal. You’ve got enough stress on your plate without having to lie to your family and pretend for the rest of your life. Your DM is being unfair.

So tell her ‘Mum like you said it was getting awkward having to lie, so after I received Easter eggs from them, I have now rang Auntie Joan and Cousin Claire and told them Neil and I have split. I was very honest and said we’re unlikely to reconcile but we’re still friends. I know you find it hard and think it’s a terrible scandal Mum, so sorry if it’s caused upset, but it needed to be done. I’ve told the family not to bombard you with questions about it, so don’t worry about that. If anyone asks you anything about it say ‘best speak to iwishitwaswarmer.

Then text her right now and tell her you’ll be telling everyone today.

Have a generic message that you can copy and paste and just send it to everyone.

You could have told everyone in the time you made this thread.

It is not fair to put this all on your mums shoulders.

As a PP said, your family probably already know and feel really awkward.
Your kids definitely would have told their friends, who would have told their parents.
Your ex may even be dating someone else.

You need to take control of the situation and just rip the plaster off.

Are you hoping you’ll get back together?
Or are you embarrassed that it didn’t work out?

You say she is treating it like the shame of the century but seem to forget that you have a voice, I think you are colluding with her, that you feel the same.

Wake up, smell the coffee and start owning up.

You could start by texting all the people who sent you gifts and cards and telling them the truth. The fact that you have kept quiet for nearly a year will be a bigger talking point than the separation!

It's 2026!
Your mum clearly has issues which are on her to sort out if she wants to.
Take control of your life and tell your family. Your mum will just have to deal with it.
Or are you just swapping being controlled by spouse for being controlled by mum?
This is a mother who would prefer her daughter stay in an abusive relationship rather than cause an upset.
You really don't owe her anything.

Thinking about it, the fact that you managed to extract yourself from a controlling relationship while your mother treats you like a dirty, awful horrible secret is really impressive. Telling your family would be a huge step forward in reclaiming some of your self esteem but I can see how hard it would be given how beaten down you've been by everyone around you.

You are not a failure or an embarrassment.

You know that's very unhealthy, right?

Your relationships with your family members shouldn't be triangulated through your mother. It's controlling behaviour, both in her trying to control your access to your family members and what you tell them. You're an adult now and you need to have your own relationships without her interfering.

It's 2026. Divorce happens. It's not scandalous in the least.

You need to tell them yourself. Your mother is not a part of this news and you need to stop running things by her.

You sound like you need therapy to recognize really unhealthy behaviours and how to manage them.

Send one text to your cousin - with some simple chosen words - that makes it clear that further details and discussions won’t be accommodated. Ask the cousin to send it to the rest of the family. Then tell your DM once you’ve done it. It’s up to her whether to answer the phone or to stick with your simple narrative. Will be good for your DM to realise that the sky didn’t fall in and no one really cares

Why would she get loads of phone calls about it when people find out? Is no one else in your family divorced or are they all terrible gossips?

Surely it will be worse and more of a topic for discussion if this goes on and on and eventually they realise you've kept it a secret for ages. And if they did phone her she just follows a little script "I don't know the details, it's obviously private between DD & her ex-husband. But good news is she's in a lovely new home, kids are happy and see their dad".

It really sounds like you have a very strange and unhealthy relationship with her (what's your Dad like - you don't mention his reaction). Re the FOG - read this. Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD Might not be totally all same for you (and I'm not diagnosing your mum) but worth a read to find ways to stop caring what she thinks and take control of your life.

If they aren't religious it's a very odd attitude to have about divorce these days, even if they are older. I mean my mum got divorced in the late 1950's! Now that was considered pretty 'shameful' back then and she lost some friends over it but it all worked out in the end.

Are you sure you are old enough to have a husband?

Queen Elizabeth was probably a bit embarrassed when all her kids started getting divorced or being nonces but she just got on with it. The Queen got over it, your mum will too. I like the idea of telling one cousin and asking them to put the word around. And for goodness sake, stop signing cards from your ex! That's weird.

This. My DM set up the first women’s refuge in our town in the late 70s. Unless your mother is over 80 OP, she’s talking nonsense.

You are in a controlling abusive relationship with your mother which primed you for the marriage you had.

Are you in contact with any domestic abuse charities?
You really should be.

You need to understand how abused you are.

Your mother is a danger to to you and your children.
She is probably a narcissist, obsessed with how everything impacts her.

Going low contact would be a very good start.
You need to start telling the truth.

You have children, how can you protect them if you are so abused you are terrified of your parents?

Take this seriously.
She is controlling you life and you need help to break free.

I feel so sorry for your children in the midst of such toxicity.
Get support and help to break free.

Women's Aid was founded in 1974. How old is your DM?

Families are networks not authoritarian regimes with someone who can limit free speech.

Seriously, have a word with both yourself and your DM.

Read some Brene Brown if you want to understand how shame is used as a weapon by women of an older age.

Just tell them. Do not be embarrassed about making a decision to improve yiyr life!

It’s such a shame you’ve been deprived of the support you might have received from other family members because of your mother’s oppression.

And you don’t mention your father at all, beyond the fact he exists.

Yes it did.

You were raised not to question. You were raised to obey. You were raised to accept that someone else is above you. You were raised to swallow your feelings. You were raised that you didn't matter. You were raised to ignore red flags and boundary crossings. You were trained to accept emotional/mental abuse and manipulation as normal.

You are more likely to walk into another abusive relationship after having one. The percentage ramps up if you've been in two. Please look into therapy regarding abusive behaviour and how to strengthen your self esteem. And start learning the word no.

If you want to avoid extra offence by "going over her head", just sign cards without including XH's name and pop your phone number somewhere inside the card.

The relative is likely to take the hint to phone you, and your mother can't expect you to outright lie to family, so you have an excuse for why you told them before she was ready.

I'd probably just try pointing out too your DM that they are bound to find out sooner or later (after all, XH won't attend weddings and funerals with you, and your children can't be made to keep it a secret), so surely her lying about it just means she then has the shame of being shown to be a liar!

Sounds like a "her" problem, not a "you" problem. Obviously, just tell them asap. Not her call to make.

And if she gives you a hard time, avoid for a while until she becomes more stable.

Rip the bandaid off. Tell your Mum you are telling them, then let them know.

I wouldn't tell her. I would message them all around the same time and only then message mother and let her know they all know. Very briefly.

And I would stay out of any and all discussions on the subject and give nobody any oxygen for any storm in a teacup behaviour.

Then after the inevitable meltdown from mother I'd absolutely ignore everything she said until she started acting like a normal person again.

@Iwishitwerewarmer
What would your mum do if she found out you had told family about your divorce?
Are you scared of her?

Sorry, but this is annoying nonsense. It's actually incredibly simple. Tell them.

And then ignore her hysteria until she can start acting like a normal person again.

Of course you can. So do it. Or stop complaining and put up with this daft situation until someone finds out you're so under your mother's thumb that you have been skulking around hiding a simple fact from people who probably don't much care anyway - and then you really will have something to feel embarrassed about