DM hasn’t told family I’m separated from DH

[Iwishitwerewarmer]

Separated from DH last July and I moved out of the family home. I did initially say to DM that we might be considering a trial separation but as time goes on it is obvious that there is no going back now.

My dilemma is that DM has not told any of our family (aunties, cousins etc) so at Christmas we had joint gifts and all Christmas cards were sent to the family home. A few days ago my cousin sent Easter eggs for us all to the family home. Also if there’s a birthday in the family I have to sign the card from myself and ex like we are still together.

My mum says she is so ashamed and that the family will “give her hell” She said that all conversations from now on will be on our separation/divorce. All of ex’s family know and all my friends/colleagues etc. The worry is that my family will somehow find out anyway although there are not many of them and we don’t see much of them.

DM is treating this as the shame of the century 🙈

I don't know if you have heard of the Let Them theory.

Tell people yourself. If your mum gets angry, let her.
Tell you're mum that you will do this and whatever her reaction, let her.
It is not your responsibility to be a gatekeeper for her feelings.
You will feel freer and happier because you are not constantly watching what you are saying and trying to keep the peace.

You cannot police what people will think, so let them think what they will think.

A Facebook post saying DH and I have separated. I am not going to go into detail about it. The kids are our priority and we will coparent and support them as well as we can. This will get it out there and you don't have to respond to comments. Maybe turn them off if you can.

Just let them do what they're going to do. You can't keep living your life afraid of other people's thoughts.

Definitely NOT a facebook post. A group private message would be fine though.

If you are old enough to be married (and separated), you are old enough to tell people yourself

This is all that needs to be said.
The longer this goes on the more you are confirming that this is some dreadful, shameful secret. Is this the message that you want to give your DC - they are lesser people because their parents are not together? Send a brief message/letter/email to the people who send Christmas or birthday cards "DH and I have separated, my new address is 1 Separated Street, Divorced Town, Singleshire". Your mother is upset anyway, so just get on with it.

Ultimately your mum has 3 choices:

she tells them
you tell them
they find out anyway though another source

no-one finding out is not an option. They will find out, whether it 5 day, 5 months for 5 years. It is not a secret which will stay a secret forever.

your mum simply has to select which of the 3 options she prefers (and by doing nothing she is by default selecting option 3!)

How bizarre. What do you think is going to happen if you tell your family? Will you mother have an attack of the vapours whilst clutching her pearls?

Don't sign cards from him. Next time you send them a card, sign it from you, and let them know why. It's not up to your mum, you're not "going over her head". It's your life, and your news to share.

It’s not OP’s mum who has choices, it’s OP. Or it should be.

OP’s choices are:

• continue to go along with her DM’s ridiculous wishes, to her own detriment
• Break free from the toxic control her mother has been exercising. Within that, there are options, such as whether to tell her DM first that she’s going to tell the family, or just do it and tell her afterwards. Or she could ask her DM to tell them….. but that’s probably not a good one, as it perpetuates the situation in which her DM is the channel of information.

After that, OP has a choice about how much contact to have with her DM going forward, and I hope she will look into many of the things which have been suggested, and start recovering from the weird, controlling relationship she has been in.

Wow, I am sorry you’re dealing with this.

I would tell your “D”M to tell your family you have been going through a trial separation and marriage counselling and that you have now come to the end of the road and you will be permanently separating.

I don’t usually recommend lying, but you don’t seem to want to tell your “D”M to f-off so, that’s what I would do. And I would say “you can tell them or I will because this has gone on long enough now”.

There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Your “D”M is the one that should be ashamed - advising her own daughter to stay in abusive relationship because of some imagined “scandal” over a divorce.

You are being ridiculous. Tell everyone - then tell her, you have told everyone so it's out in the open and you've spared her the job

It sounds like your mum doesn't see you as a person, just an extension of her personal image. She's worried your news will reflect badly on her, rather than how you are actually doing on all of this.

Yeah I think its easy to see why you ended up in a controlling and psychologically abusive relationship since you're pretty much conditioned to that by your Mother!

Tell her - 'this has gone on far too long, I will be telling the rest of the family'.. and then tell them. You can dress it up how you like 'we didn't want to announce this until we were certain ... ' but tell them, get it done.

Then its up to your Mum how she handles that. If you can't do this, how are you ever going to navigate any other relationship in your life? And think of the message you're going to be teaching your children too, if they're not aware of what Grandma is like now, they will be soon enough!

I can understand finding it hard to stand up to a parent when you've been taught from being a young child that the worst thing you can do is hurt their feelings. It's like a template built into your psyche that shapes your emotional responses.

You sound like you are beginning to toughen up with DM though, so find a middle path that considers her feelings to a degree but prioritises your and your DCs' needs. E g. could you explain the separation to the cousin but then immediately give your mum the heads up that the secret is out to avoid her embarrassing herself. I'd do this rather than kind of asking your mum's permission by warning her first. Then control the narrative by telling your mum it's important people know now that it is permanent so that you can move on and help your DCs see this as nothing to be ashamed of and that you hope she will be able to help them see it this way too.

You need to take the plaster off. Call the cousins and tell them. Then tell your mum it's the done.

This kind of shit will be preventing you from moving on properly as well. Live your life, OP.

It's not your mum's news to tell.

It's your personal relationship information and it's up to you who you tell. You should stop signing cards from both of you, then people will ask and word will get out anyway.

Stop being so passive in your own life.

This! It’s all well and good saying you’ll ’have a chat’ with her but you’ve already done that, at least once but I suspect more(?) and it’s achieved the sum total of fuck all. She’s being absolutely bizarre and it’s no mystery as to how you found yourself in a controlling relationship if this is how your mother is.

I couldn’t tell everyone without letting her know first that I’m telling everyone

Of course you could.

..........if that makes sense

It does not make sense.

Every time I think I've seen the oddest ever thread on here, along comes one like this.

Well done, @Iwishitwerewarmer because this is extremely odd.

There is no reason why you couldn't have already told your relations about your impending divorce. No reason at all.

Who cares if people ring your mother about it? You won't be there anyway as you don't live there.

It feels particularly weird that your mother is so ashamed of your separation and yet so happy to blatantly lie to people's faces. You too, to some extent. You need to develop your own internal ethical structure and be comfortable with following that rather than going along with someone else's warped view of how decent people behave. In case you need any external validation, that really isn't how good and trustworthy people live their lives. Your mother is not a good person.

I would be far more ashamed of behaving dishonestly than of splitting up with someone. Why aren't you? And why can't you see that your mother is a deeply unethical person with her willingness to tell continual untruths to family members she is supposed to love and respect? Your father too if he is enabling her in any way at all.

What haven't you told us? Are you Cosa Nostra and if you tell your family about the split your ex will end up in concrete boots? Or do you expect to be the victim of an honour killing?

Otherwise of course you can tell your family. It's your business to tell them. Not your mother's. If it is getting bigger and bigger in her mind then the sooner you tell everyone the sooner it's sorted.

I don't mean to be rude but your Mum sounds slightly deranged. Of course you can go ahead and tell everyone. Don't do what she says just beacuse she's making a silly fuss. And don't argue with her. Instead let her fuss and just make vague soothing noises at her until you leave / hang up the phone. Even if she can't behave like a normal adult you can.

I have a very relaxed relationship with my own mum, where neither of us would be afraid to give their opinion that the other was being a dickhead, if needed, so I’m aware that that will be shaping my opinion here, but it seems to me that you went from one controlling relationship with your mother, right into another with a husband. You’ve ended that second controlling relationship. I think it’s time to make a start on breaking free of the control your mother has over you. This level just isn’t normal or healthy. You aren’t six anymore; you’re a grown woman and it’s you who gets to make the decision on who gets told about the breakdown of your marriage. Nobody else gets any input in that decision. And if you need to do it in steps, you could always tell your relatives not to contact your mum because she doesn’t know any more than you’re telling them and she’s struggling to come to terms with it.

Was it ever really a trial separation or is that how you framed it to make it palatable to your parents?

Either way it's permanent now so just tell people!

Your mum sounds so self centred & unsupportive.

Family will give her hell?

So what?

It would be nothing like the hell of being married to an abuser!

I would tell her how utterly sick it makes you that she carries more shame for divorce than the fact he has put you through years of psychological abuse.
absolutely twisted.

Seriously!! Get a grip of your life

OP I think that, for whatever reasons, your mum has anxiety about telling people to the point that she would rather outright lie to them.

This will obviously be causing her stress so it really would be best for both of you if you just tell your relatives and then you can both forget about it.

Any fallout from your mum won't be anything like as bad as you are expecting.

Do you want your children to grow up and end up in abusive relationships @Iwishitwerewarmer?

You left an abusive man but you refuse to break the cycle of abuse with your mother. Make no mistake, the way she controls you is abuse. You are an adult. Set the bar higher so your children grow up with healthy boundaries.

Tell your family.