DM hasn’t told family I’m separated from DH

[Iwishitwerewarmer]

Separated from DH last July and I moved out of the family home. I did initially say to DM that we might be considering a trial separation but as time goes on it is obvious that there is no going back now.

My dilemma is that DM has not told any of our family (aunties, cousins etc) so at Christmas we had joint gifts and all Christmas cards were sent to the family home. A few days ago my cousin sent Easter eggs for us all to the family home. Also if there’s a birthday in the family I have to sign the card from myself and ex like we are still together.

My mum says she is so ashamed and that the family will “give her hell” She said that all conversations from now on will be on our separation/divorce. All of ex’s family know and all my friends/colleagues etc. The worry is that my family will somehow find out anyway although there are not many of them and we don’t see much of them.

DM is treating this as the shame of the century 🙈

Put your separated/divorced or single status on Facebook so that only friends and family can see. That way anyone interested in the "Family" will find out without you saying anything.

Why do you sign cards from DEx? You are just as culpable in not informing family.

OP, I wonder if you are an only child to parents who were already much older than most when you arrived and therefore they carry the attitudes of past generations? It must have been hard for you growing up if that’s the case as they will have brought with very out of date views that you were taught were the norm.

I hope you have some close friends your own age, who can support you as you get through this.

You’re a grown woman, it was your marriage, not your mum’s, so bite the bullet and tell them yourself.

You do sound very afraid of upsetting your controlling mother. The sky will not fall in.

This is all building up in your head, and in reality being that we’re in 21st century, I bet your wider family barely bat an eyelid.

I don't know if this will help at all OP but 32 years ago when I split up from my first husband my mother was a bit like yours. She was a regular church goer but stopped attending, as she was so worried that someone from her church might ask after me and she either have to lie or admit to the "shame". We didn't have much of a family to tell, but I told the few there were myself. Eventually she resumed her normal life and was astounded that no one actually cared 😂.

This was a whole generation ago though and her views were about 20 years out of date even then, so I'm astounded someone like your mum still exists. Whatever your family dynamic OP, just reclaim your own bloody narrative. I started standing up to my ridiculous mother at a young age and it was liberating. My sister never did and is only free to live her own life on her own terms at 67 now our mum is recently dead. Please don't be like my sister desperately trying to please an ultimately unpleasable parent.

"No Women's Aid in my day".. how old is she?? My mum is in her late eighties and there was definitely WA around when she was a young woman. WA existed in the early 70s, so unless your Mum is very ancient ( which I doubt as you say you have young children) she's talking rubbish. Is she in some kind of privileged bubble? You are well within your rights to dismiss what she is saying as nonsense.
Go ahead and speak to your cousins yourself. If you want to, tell you mother that you have done so. If you don't want to, then let her deal with any ( imagined) fall out. You can tell her that divorce and separation are acceptable in the royal family these days, the king is divorced ffs!

Exactly and no disrespect but he married his mistress in the end and we're all ok lol xx

I think it's really useful you posting because you're seeing an overwhelming consensus that your family is not normal and you are party to it.

Take co trop of your life, your mum won't be around forever and you'd hate for her legacy to be you having a life that could have been so much better.

To be blunt. If you're controlled by mummy. You're still a child. Grow up me old fruit

My ex-MIL split up with her husband about a year before I married her son. She never told anyone and pretended at the wedding that he was ill.
I am now divorced and TBH she was a major factor in that marriage breaking down along with her son's inability to stand up to her.

I missed this. Got to be honest op, this is properly weird behaviour.

This is very strange. You do realise I hope that when it all comes out, your family will think you are the person who lied to them not your parents. Man up!

I can imagine it’s very difficult, but you need to tell them yourself and your DM will just have to get on with it. Probably the other family members are more aware of modern life and what happens. You can’t carry on her deception!