DM hasn’t told family I’m separated from DH

[Iwishitwerewarmer]

Separated from DH last July and I moved out of the family home. I did initially say to DM that we might be considering a trial separation but as time goes on it is obvious that there is no going back now.

My dilemma is that DM has not told any of our family (aunties, cousins etc) so at Christmas we had joint gifts and all Christmas cards were sent to the family home. A few days ago my cousin sent Easter eggs for us all to the family home. Also if there’s a birthday in the family I have to sign the card from myself and ex like we are still together.

My mum says she is so ashamed and that the family will “give her hell” She said that all conversations from now on will be on our separation/divorce. All of ex’s family know and all my friends/colleagues etc. The worry is that my family will somehow find out anyway although there are not many of them and we don’t see much of them.

DM is treating this as the shame of the century 🙈

@Iwishitwerewarmer
You've been brave and left an abusive marriage, be equally brave and stand up to your mother. You must see from this thread that this is not normal behaviour.

They are your relatives too. Surely you have your own relationship with them that doesn't revolve around all communications going via your mum.

Put her out of her misery and let everyone know.

Then ring her and tell her, very casually, dont make a fuss. Stop being dragged along by her.

What an awful lie to be living with.

Another thing - if your husband observed this dynamic between you and your mother when you first met, he would have known exactly the relationship he would be able to have with you.

And this is going to be repeated time and again until you free yourself. No one is going to do it for you, @Iwishitwerewarmer. There’s never going be a moment when your mother declares you fit to run your own life and relationships.

It’s clearly dysfunctional - I wonder what your teens were like? It is an entirely natural part of human development for children, from the onset of puberty, to begin asserting themselves and actively seek to separate themselves from their parents. Maturity involves establishing an evolved dynamic with the generation above you - one of mutual respect with independence of action.

@Perfidiais spot on. I thought this, that the DH saw OP could be manipulated and bullied, abusers can spot a victim a mile off.

Oh, at last a tiny chink of daylight.

@Iwishitwerewarmer you have clearly been conditioned from childhood to accept an abusive level of control.
You need to seek therapy for it - suggest you start by talking to your gp.

Take note of what people on here are telling you.
You don't need your mother's permission to marry.
You don't need your mother's permission to divorce.
And it's beyond ridiculous that YOU (not your mother) haven't told your family that you are separated.

Can you not see that your mother is abusing you?

How old are you? If you are old enough to make the decision to separate, you are old enough to tell your own family.

This is just what my SIL would do. Terrified of living her life in a way her parents wouldn’t approve. Completely dysfunctional.
It escalated massively as they aged and their ‘expectations’ had her on antidepressants.
You are equal to your parents OP. They don’t act based on your principles so you shouldn’t act on theirs. Don’t leave it too late to change your mindset. Good grief!

You’re a grownup. It’s your news to share. If you’re that scared of your mum and not being “allowed” to be divorced, then change your name back to your maiden name on socials and let your cousins find out that way.

And sign your Christmas cards with your own name, with your new return address on the back of the envelope. No big “announcement” required.

Are you sure that your family don't know? They may know but don't want to mention anything in case they upset you. So you could all be playing the same pretend game.

Unless this post is coming to us from 1820, I cannot understand why you haven't separated yourself from your parents' opinions and communicated with other people in your family as you would with your friends and workmates

Your mother's opinion and upset is NOT yours to manage. How the hell does she manage to exist in the 21st century?

Tell the relation that you feel closest to and ask them to spread the word.

I've not read the whole thread so I'm not sure if this has been covered already, but there is a possibility/likelihood that eventually both you and your ex will meet someone else. That's going to be super weird if you turn up at Auntie Beryl's birthday with a new partner if no one knows you separated from your ex!

You have (along with your brother who has his own diffficulties and is he more favoured than you?) received the Special Training all adult children of narcissistic parents get . This entails also putting their needs for and your own dead last. You were raised in a dysfunctional and otherwise abusive environment and it’s no coincidence you went onto marry someone similar to your mother. Your dad is her enabler and therefore cannot be relied upon either to help you.

People from such families end up playing roles: what is your role here?. Your brother, mother and father play their roles too.

Your family of origin remind me of the Beckhams. It’s all performative. Your successes are celebrated by your mother to make it all about her and she basks in your glory. She is also very good at maintaining facade management. When it comes to something shameful in her head like your separation she wants to keep that quiet and enlists you also to do that. You are to get an extension of her but failure is not tolerated.

I would get therapy re your parents asap and start to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point. Once you start to see what is really happening here you will set yourself free. Do also read and post on the current Well we took you to stately homes thread on these Relationships pages.

If you sit with the words you’ve used, @Iwishitwerewarmer:

She would be horrified if I …

What exactly do you think would be the outcome of your mother being horrified?

Would she call the police and have you arrested? Obviously not.

Would she drag you into the basement and beat you black and blue? Again - that’s not going to happen.

Would she march to your employer and demand they fire you because your marriage has broken up? Nope.

What is it you’re afraid of?

Can you ask yourself that?

Please …

OP

There’s good reason why people like your parents have no friends.

Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all so the men in their lives are either like them (and again I note without surprise that she wants your ex and you to stay together) or are otherwise discarded. Your mother is Mrs Bennet.

Are you not worried about how your mum now gets to control the narrative of how this is press-released to the family? She might spin it in a completely different manner than what has actually happened, especially given she seems so keen to keeping up appearances.

You absolutely need to let people know yourself, in a mature, considered and calm way. This thing is hanging over you, clearly and eating you up. Your relationships with your wider family are yours alone - not your mum’s. Go round for a cup of tea to your cousins house and let them know - build those bonds with your family for yourself. Your mum is not some sacred gatekeeper of who and how your interact with people. Your whole life will improve when you start seeking out that support and friendship from your family on your own terms, without your mother’s control.

This is a really good point. If your mother is the person who all family information goes through, it means you’re not developing those individual relationships @Iwishitwerewarmer especially with others from ‘your’ generation like your cousin.
This is just another form of control.

You really need to tell your family yourself. I also wonder if your mother is behaving in a similar controlling way to your DC? Do you ever find yourself not doing something with them because your mother wouldn’t approve, or telling them not to tell Granny something?

It is entirely unreasonable of her to expect you to live a lie.

Telling the family is not "going over her head".

This is information about YOUR life and therefore yours to tell as you see fit.

If you wish to accommodate her at all, tell her you will give her one more week in which to explain your new situation to her family (if she prefers to be the one who does it) or you will do so yourself.

And then do it!

Dear gentle reader, this is an excellent example of how parents can fuck up their child’s mind.

I’d just be really firm with her.
‘Mum, it’s not 1950 and divorce is not shameful anymore. I’m not tolerating an abusive husband to appease you. What people WILL find odd and offensive, is the lying and covering it up. Many people know we are separated and it’s only a matter of time before the family find out too. It’s best they hear it from me and I won’t be covering this up anymore.’

I did initially say to DM that we might be considering a trial separation but as time goes on it is obvious that there is no going back now.

So you wanted her to go around telling everyone you had separated, even though you admit yourself that it was just a trial separation and there was a chance you’d get back together?

How awkward would it be for everyone if they were told by DM you had separated and then they found out you were back together.

Your mum is getting a lot of stick and I think it’s unfair.
It sounds like she can’t do anything right.

You are a grown woman who is old enough to have kids and get married and it is on you to tell people.

If you know your mum has issues with people getting divorced then it’s even more unfair of you to expect her to go around telling people.

You and ex DH are in the wrong here, not your DM.

I would just be honest and tell them and say to DM you’ve done this before they turn up and your ex tells them.

You wouldn't be going over her head. It's your own announcement about your own marriage. You need act like an adult, rather than the child that your mother prefers to treat you as.

Just tell everyone that you’re separated but that your mum finds it upsetting and ask that they avoid discussing it with her.