DM hasn’t told family I’m separated from DH

[Iwishitwerewarmer]

Separated from DH last July and I moved out of the family home. I did initially say to DM that we might be considering a trial separation but as time goes on it is obvious that there is no going back now.

My dilemma is that DM has not told any of our family (aunties, cousins etc) so at Christmas we had joint gifts and all Christmas cards were sent to the family home. A few days ago my cousin sent Easter eggs for us all to the family home. Also if there’s a birthday in the family I have to sign the card from myself and ex like we are still together.

My mum says she is so ashamed and that the family will “give her hell” She said that all conversations from now on will be on our separation/divorce. All of ex’s family know and all my friends/colleagues etc. The worry is that my family will somehow find out anyway although there are not many of them and we don’t see much of them.

DM is treating this as the shame of the century 🙈

Are you living back with your mother?

Honestly - you’re a mature adult. You should simply have told everyone last year yourself. Was the fact that your mother’s opinion hold so much sway an issue in your marriage?

I cannot believe that you haven’t simply told everyone. It’s 2026, not 1956 - you are your own agent. You don’t need permission to update family about your life, or to divorce, or to do anything. And certainly not from your mother.

This is very strange. What
do you think your parents would do if you just decided to be open, and why does that matter?

For goodness sake @Iwishitwerewarmer - you need to take charge of your own life. Your mum might be upset, but I bet it's been more upsetting for you.

Stop letting her control you. You've managed to stop your ex doing that, now it's time to stop her.

Do you not feel kinda pathetic being this afraid of mommy as a grown adult?

It's pretty insane that you are not allowed to tell people about the reality of your own life and that of your children.

There is no stigma relating to separation and divorce any more apart from in some pretty extreme religious communities which isn't the case here.

The lying to your extended family by your mum and you (at her instigation) is much worse than the fact that you have separated from your husband.

Tell everyone then text her and tell her you've told everyone? Or if you think that for some reason despite being judgemental and interfering she deserves advance notice, tell her "I'm telling everyone tomorrow"

I mean this nicely because you've obviously had a hard time recently but have you thought about getting counselling etc? It's not healthy to see your mum as the decision maker in your own life, past the age of about 14

You seem very ingrained in looking at everything from your Mum’s perspective and to break that is really difficult. I’m guessing you don’t have siblings and you’ve grown up being told that you have to appease your Mum at all costs. It sounds as though you are used to buying into you Mum’s narrative as ‘the truth’ when it possibly isn’t.

I had a similar relationship with my Mum. When I told her I was pregnant (unmarried but living with my partner for 5 years in a committed relationship) her first words were “how will I tell your Grandma?she’ll be so ashamed” I said I’d tell Grandma (who incidentally was delighted).
You keep saying you couldn’t say anything without your Mum’s permission but have you asked yourself why you couldn’t? What’s the worse that could happen and would it be worse than the anxiety you are facing now? You don’t have to accept the shame your Mum is pushing on you, you’ve been brave leaving, now be brave by rejecting her false narrative. You’ve got this.

Another thing to consider, with your children, is that they need to have a positive balanced view of your separation, not to grow up thinking you are ashamed of your actions. It must affect them to having a unhealthy wider family dynamic.

So what? Tell everyone then text her telling her that is what you have done. Then go to the cinema and turn your phone off.

You need a conversation with her when you point out that divorce really isn't the badge of shame that she thinks it is; she didn't want you to tell your friends but none of them are treating this as some sort of terrible scandal; it's inevitable that the family will find out at some point, if they haven't already, and it's much better if you tell them yourself. Say that it is solely your business and you are going to tell them whether she likes it or not. If she tries to insist that she should tell them first, say no, because if she tells them she will make them think it is something dreadful and shameful.

Your mother's attitude to separation and divorce is really damaging to you and your children as she would prefer that you remain in a marriage with an abusive and controlling man rather than other people knowing that you have left him.

I don't think she is a good influence or role model for your children. Keeping up appearances is more important to her than the safety and well being of her daughter and grandchildren. I judge her very harshly.

Well I think it is getting to the point you have to put it out in the open. As you say, they will make more of it if they uncover it some other way.

BUT I would alert them to the fact your DM hasn't said anything to them because she is firstly upset about it and also feels they will be judgmental, as it may make them temper their attitude. Your DM may have a point after all ...

So you tell her today that you'll be letting people know. It's not just an unhealthy dynamic it's an incredibly toxic and controlling one and you have to break it just as much as you had to end your toxic relationship.
Then as PP have said you send a simple 'Thank you so much for the eggs. Sadly Clive and I have separated so I wanted to pass on my new address, it's XXX. The kids and I are all doing well and they're working their way through the mini eggs you sent'.
What's the alternative, you pretend to your family for the next 40 years that you're still married?!

OP, you REALLY need to get it in to your head that you are as much a grown woman as you mother is and they are as much your relatives as they are hers. You are not less than she is. Take charge of this situation.

You should be far more keen to cut your mum out of your life over your husband.

Op, your family dynamic is strange and frankly concerning, but look at the facts this way:

You, not your mother, you are lying to your wider family. To those who give your family gifts, to your cousin, to everyone to whom you send a joint Christmas card.

That’s not a great example for your children.

You can of course tell her first if you think that’s better. But just be sure that you TELL her your are going to do it, not ASK HER PERMISSION. And then do it.

The explaining the delay in informing people as a trial separation…. Was it a trial separation, agreed by both of you? And now you are both agreed to make it permanent? If so, tell people that. But if you left intending it to be permanent and it is only your DM’s batshit attitude which led to it being kept quiet, then don’t invent a fiction to cover her stupid views and controlling behaviour.

Most people want ask you why you’re only letting them know now. But if anyone does, tell them the truth.

This is your business and you’re an adult. She’s not the CEO of an organisation. There’s a lot going on here. Please take control of your life.

My mother had a friend who didn’t mention one of her children’s marriage and grandchild! It only came out after the divorce, 5 years later. The child ( who I vaguely knew) had married a person abroad and from a very different culture. I was astonished at both the failure to mention the marriage/ first grandchild, but also the attitude of my mother, who completely accepted it all ( ie that her friend hadn’t told her the truth of the situation for 5 years!) . My mother understood that this was a big scandal/ shame for her friend.

years later, this grandchild has been very successful and is now constantly mentioned!

in short, it will be scandalous for a bit, but more scandalous the longer is kept quiet. Tell your mother that you are ‘ coming clean’ at a set date in say 1 month. Give her one month to get her head around it/ do it herself. Then tell people. It’s not her news, it’s your news. You have been quiet far too long.

It's not at all suprising that you ended up with a controlling partner. That isn't a criticism, just an observation that your mother clearly set you up to dismiss all your own needs and feelings and kowtow to other people no matter how unreasonable they are.

If your wider family are decent they will feel nothing but sympathy for you. If they aren't decent then it's not worth even telling them.

If your cousins are a potential source of encouragement and support then your mum is essentially cutting you off from help, which is highly abusive.

OP, there is no shame in divorce - our King and Queen have both been divorced, for goodness sake. Everyone just moves on, so that they are happier.
Congratulations on leaving a controlling husband - you have shown your strength.
Now you need to "leave" (or at least reduce contact with/the influence of) your controlling and abusive mother.
Contact your family in whichever way suits you, no need to be dramatic, just a "Thank you for your recent gifts. I did recently separate from Dave, and this separation is now permanent. The children and I are now living at <new address>".

This is your life, not your mother's, and how you live is none of her business.

I should add that I come from a family that puts a lot of stock in secrets and scandals. To my mind they're a bunch of childish idiots and I don't play any of those games. I can't understand how anybody lives like that, it's so ridiculous.

This is ridiculous.
Just tell them yourself. This cannot go on.
The marriage is over, you've separated and are living separately. This happens all the time. There is no shame in it. If your DM has an issue with it that's her problem and hers alone.
I'd send her a message saying you're going to let people know today, and then message aunties and cousins one after another so everyone knows.
Not your problem if they phone your mother asking about it.

So what if you goes ballistic? That's her problem.
It's better to get it over and done with rather than having to live with this situation for months or years longer.

This sounds like your mother is in control of everything in your wider family, not just you. It’s a very odd and controlling dynamic.

However, as other people have suggested, you can simply tell people that your mother is rather upset about the separation (which is true), and ask them not to bombard her with phone calls and messages about what has happened - any questions should come to you.