DM hasn’t told family I’m separated from DH

[Iwishitwerewarmer]

Separated from DH last July and I moved out of the family home. I did initially say to DM that we might be considering a trial separation but as time goes on it is obvious that there is no going back now.

My dilemma is that DM has not told any of our family (aunties, cousins etc) so at Christmas we had joint gifts and all Christmas cards were sent to the family home. A few days ago my cousin sent Easter eggs for us all to the family home. Also if there’s a birthday in the family I have to sign the card from myself and ex like we are still together.

My mum says she is so ashamed and that the family will “give her hell” She said that all conversations from now on will be on our separation/divorce. All of ex’s family know and all my friends/colleagues etc. The worry is that my family will somehow find out anyway although there are not many of them and we don’t see much of them.

DM is treating this as the shame of the century 🙈

Honestly just tell them, shes making this about her and making your situation far worse than it needs to be and quite frankly all about herself. Has she asked you how you are? How things are going? V controlling behaviour, part of breaking the dynamic is disclosing things about yourself as you see fit.

Telling the truth about your own life isnt "going over her head"!
Tell you mother its too difficult to lie and hide the truth from family. Its causing you stress. Tell her you are going to be truthful with everyone but you'd prefer her support in this matter .

PPs have addressed the dynamic, but how about you simply send a change of address card to those people who sent cards and eggs (and everyone else, too)? You don’t have to directly explain anything until asked directly.
May be a way around it all that works for you.

This is an important opportunity for you for your own emotional growth. You are fully aware that your DM’s approach is totally dysfunctional and that her relationship with you is too. To date you are stuck in her FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and complicit with her lies.

Take control of the narrative right now to demonstrate your own agency as a separate entity - take one step, without permission, send your closest relation (cousin?) a text to say you are separated after a trial - here is your new address. No one needs the details ‘it didn’t work out for us’ if that’s how you want to play it.

YOU are giving it too much importance - nobody really gives a shit especially relatives that you obviously haven’t seen in person for over a year.

Get it done and be proud of yourself for getting out of an abusive relationship with your xDH and also that you have taken the reins from your dysfunctional DM and you have chosen not to be complicit in her nonsense.

Get it done. You will feel better. Don’t worry about permission from your DM - she certainly isnt cooperating with your needs and wishes despite what you have been through. Any mother with a heart would be doing everything to make your life easier - she has chosen not to for her own self serving reasons. Shake her off. She is holding you back.

Can you not message cousin and say “thanks for the eggs, just letting you know I live at x address now but I still got them as ex still lives at previous address”.

I really don’t understand how that’s going over your Mums head?

You could change this situation yourself today if you wanted to.

You won’t though, as it’s YOU who doesn’t want people to know and you’re using your mother as an excuse.

This. Why is it your mum's job?

You wouldn't be going over her head, you would simply be keeping your family up to date about your current situation. Please don't let your mother have this level of control over you 🙏

I completely agree.

I think OP is using her mum as an excuse.

It was completely unfair of OP to expect her mum to go around telling everyone.

It is even more unfair when she knows how old fashioned DMs views are.
And OP told her DM that it was a trial separation, so of course she’s not going to go around telling everyone.

I feel the mum is unfairly getting the blame when this has nothing to do with her.

OP could text all of her family members now and then text DM to say it’s done.
It would be over within the hour.

Leaving aside everything between your DM and yourself @Iwishitwerewarmer My concern is for your children. They are surely not being encouraged to lie about this situation? That would be awful if so. Do the children have no direct contact with your relatives?

You are a grown woman with children. You are too old to be letting your mum run your life. If she is running your life she is also, by extension, running theirs. That's your job, not hers.

Being truthful and authentic with your extended family isn't 'going over her head' because a family isn't an army of institution with a formal chain of command. Families are complex and adaptable. Your mum shouldn't be bullying you into deceiving them. What sort of example is that for your DC?

Make today the day you pull up your big girl pants.

I don’t think it matters what your mum thinks. People will soon forget about the situation. You are people pleasing by giving in to her. Op you should not have to lie because of her concerns. Yes she may temporarily panic but I think she will get over it. I would send thank you cards for the Easter eggs and then tell her afterwards.

Yes I am inclined to agree. This does seem to make more sense of the matter.

You're clearly an adult if you're old enough to be married. Why on earth are you going along with what your mum is saying you "have to do?"
She'll be upset. And? She's ashamed - that's disgusting. She'd rather you stayed with someone who made you unhappy.
Stop going along with her lie. You're not "going above her head" that's ridiculous.
You do not have to do as she says.

Op, she is controlling you and your life and you need to stop this.

Tell her to stop being so stupid and give her an ultimatum to tell the family, or you will tell them yourself.

Hi, OP -

I feel for you.

You have many sensible comments and lots of good advice here. However I notice that only a very small number mention the effect on your DC.

My generation are familiar with the dynamic you describe, even if the details are different. We know it’s difficult to cope with. We’ve found that focusing on DC makes it easier.

They are little sponges. They will figure out the details of what’s going on long before you would expect. What do you suppose they will make of the situation? If Mum can’t stand up for herself to Granny, how confident can they feel that she will be able to look out for them in a difficult situation? (You may feel that advocating for them would be different. You might or might not find this to be true. The DC cannot know)

Granny is being silly, to put it mildly. No need to emphasise this to the DC, but one more reason to stand up for yourself.

Why does DM need to tell the family.

OP should not be giving her an ultimatum.

It is not fair to drag DM into this at all.

OP needs to tell the family herself and leave DM out of it.

"I'm afraid I couldn't do that:

Of course you can. And you should.

It’s the way things work in the family and I’m not saying that is a healthy dynamic, I would be happy to tell people myself, in fact I would be concerned about the kind of narrative she would spin! I couldn’t tell everyone without letting her know first that I’m telling everyone if that makes sense as she would end up with a load of phone calls asking what’s happened (out of the blue)

You still haven’t answered why you can’t tell them yourself, what would she do?
You seem scared of her.

If I were your cousin who sent the Easter eggs, I would feel quite hurt that you didn't bother to tell me you split up over 6 months ago. I am sure she/he would have liked to support you through a difficult time.

Tell her it’s happening. That you are going to start telling people. As a deference to her (if you wish) - to justify/hide her lies, you’ll say you had a trial separation first , and tried to reconcile but sadly it didn’t work so now it’s over. It’s up to her how she wants to play it afterwards, but it is happening.

Why would they ring HER as opposed to ringing YOU to ask what happened? Does she have to act as some kind of family hub? You could always tell them that your mum was distressed about the split and to go to you directly with any questions and not to bother her about it.

It all seems rather odd and disfunctional, you are an autonomous adult not some kind of failed project of your mother's.

Surely you can tell them and then just let her know once done?

Hi Mum, just to let you know I've let Auntie Sue and Cousin Mandy know about the divorce in case they contact you. Think it was about time don't you! Love Warmer.x

Are you frightened of your mum? Like what is she going to do if you tell people yourself? Just be annoyed? So what? Let her be annoyed. This is so strange.