DM hasn’t told family I’m separated from DH

[Iwishitwerewarmer]

Separated from DH last July and I moved out of the family home. I did initially say to DM that we might be considering a trial separation but as time goes on it is obvious that there is no going back now.

My dilemma is that DM has not told any of our family (aunties, cousins etc) so at Christmas we had joint gifts and all Christmas cards were sent to the family home. A few days ago my cousin sent Easter eggs for us all to the family home. Also if there’s a birthday in the family I have to sign the card from myself and ex like we are still together.

My mum says she is so ashamed and that the family will “give her hell” She said that all conversations from now on will be on our separation/divorce. All of ex’s family know and all my friends/colleagues etc. The worry is that my family will somehow find out anyway although there are not many of them and we don’t see much of them.

DM is treating this as the shame of the century 🙈

My concern (and DM) is that a family member will randomly visit the family home only for ex to say we are separated!

Come on OP. Put on your big girl pants and tell people! You're enabling this nonsense.

“Over her head”?? You are a grown woman. Your mother is not your boss.

Just tell them and stop caring so much what your parents think.

I find it weirder that you have a cousin you are close enough to that she sends easter eggs but also doesn't know where you're living or that your marriage is over? I'm pretty close to my cousin, we see each other a few times a year, message once a month or so, it would definitely come up that a marriage was over! We don't send easter eggs though.... maybe we're the odd ones?!

Wow, @Iwishitwerewarmer - that’s a serious level of hierarchical oppression you’re living with.

You are an adult.

Your interactions with your wider family do not have to be mediated by your mother.

@Iwishitwerewarmer you can't possibly go 'over her head' because it is only in yours and hers imagination that her head is between you and your own relatives.
You badly need to reframe this whole thing and break the spell your mother has over you. She will live, she will recover, she might even grow a bit.
Please stop doing this to yourself.

If your DM is horrified already that you have split up, may as well tell the relatives yourself

It is your life not hers. You are not going over her head. It's your news to impart not hers. Just tell them.

@Iwishitwerewarmer Divorce is taboo in some families. From what your OP says, you are separated or living apart as opposed to divorced, no? Just tell it like it is. Your mother's discomfort will ease in time.

I think you have to bite the bullet and say to mum that this can’t go on any longer. Deception is worse than divorce and you are going to start letting people know you and exDH aren’t together. If she’s upset so be it. I totally understand when you’ve grown up in a family where a member has this level of influence over others. To people who never experienced it, it seems bizarre. What I always think now is, is the persons response reasonable and proportionate to the event. If it’s not then don’t engage with indulging them. I wish you all the best, I know from experience that it’s so hard after a lifetime of dealing with someone like this. She will get over it. Rip the bandaid off.

Are there cultural factors to be considered? Who in 2026 is shocked that a marriage breaks down?

There must be some serious back story to explain you feeling like this

What is FOG? She blames herself for the separation and says how she failed me and my brother (my brother has difficulties but in other ways) But I don’t see my separation as defining my entire life. It is difficult and upsetting but it doesn’t mean my entire life is in the bin 🗑️ She was also horrified when I mentioned I had told my friends.

This is just ridiculous, for the love of god tell people yourself and if they query the length of time say your mum wasn’t keen on everyone knowing. But tell people, you’re not a child and you’ve done nothing wrong!

This is very strange op. If you’re close enough to your cousin that she’s (or he?) sending Easter eggs to you, why would you just send a quick message or whatever explaining that you’ve moved out etc. I simply cannot see how you think that would be going ‘over your mums head’ ?! It’s literally your life, it isn’t up to her? I can’t get my head around this dynamic at all, where you can’t speak freely about your own life because your mum is so embarrassed.

No cultural differences but imagine one of the mothers from say Bridgerton or The Other Bennett Sister - that is my Mum! (Without the wealth but with the same principles)

Yet somehow you managed to split from your DH and I’m sure she wasn’t happy about that….this is nothing! Just tell family members.

Um 'I have to sign the card....' No. You don't. It's dishonest and cowardly. If you want to be like your mother then go right ahead and sign that card. Otherwise just tell everyone you are separated.

I’m afraid that I couldn’t do that but what I will do is chat to my mum and tell her that people do need to know now. I think she and my dad are still living in hope that I’ll move back into the family home and people will never need to know about this but the chances of that happening at this point are almost zero!

My grandmother was like this. Didn’t tell anyone I was divorced and still had my wedding photos on display in her living room . She’s moved them now but I’m. Still not sure she’s told people. I mean these aren’t people who matter to me though.

She's telling you that she blames herself because she's making this about her, and not you.

Just tell her that you are not going to keep this a secret anymore, and explain the situation to your favourite member of your extended family. Reassure them that you're in a good place, and ask them to filter the news out to the rest.

Your mum will cope as she wants. Honestly not your problem.

Why on earth is it down to your mother to let family members know you are separated? Don't be such a wuss - it's your life, your marriage a d your separation. You are not an extension of your mother!

Just tell one cousin - maybe the one sending eggs - and tell her to spread the word as you can’t face telling everyone.

Honestly it’ll be discussed for a nanosecond and then everyone moves on.

Your mother is absolutely out of order on this!

This is weird. What do you think will happen if you "go over her head" she's not your bloody manager. You're a full grown woman, tell your family you're divorced. This is going to get so awkward when everyone finds out you've been pretending to be still married to your ex. Someone getting divorced is really not news. Someone pretending to still be married would be the talk of the family.

What if they see him with someone new?

You need to grow up and being charge of your own life.

Woman up, OP. Tell your mother that this is real and she can't pretend it isn't happening, and that either she needs to tell the wider family or you will.

Fear. Obligation. Guilt.
It is about power and control, manipulation to keep you behaving as she wants. She is making your divorce about her, centering herself. Why are you passively allowing her to continue?