DM hasn’t told family I’m separated from DH

[Iwishitwerewarmer]

Separated from DH last July and I moved out of the family home. I did initially say to DM that we might be considering a trial separation but as time goes on it is obvious that there is no going back now.

My dilemma is that DM has not told any of our family (aunties, cousins etc) so at Christmas we had joint gifts and all Christmas cards were sent to the family home. A few days ago my cousin sent Easter eggs for us all to the family home. Also if there’s a birthday in the family I have to sign the card from myself and ex like we are still together.

My mum says she is so ashamed and that the family will “give her hell” She said that all conversations from now on will be on our separation/divorce. All of ex’s family know and all my friends/colleagues etc. The worry is that my family will somehow find out anyway although there are not many of them and we don’t see much of them.

DM is treating this as the shame of the century 🙈

You get in contact & tell them. She’s making it weird by continuing to lie they will be more hurt by your mum lying for nearly a year than you getting divorced! Tell her she’s making it werid.

This is what l often glean from those type of posts and often l am right

Good luck with it all. It’s not up to your mother if you get divorced or not. When l split up from my first husband then my mum informed me l wasn’t getting divorced. I ignored her and divorced him

Well it's not often we see such a unanimous verdict on MN, is it? Another vote here for "time to start acting like an adult and standing up to your mother". You left your controlling husband; you can do this. Or you can put up with her nonsense until she dies. Your choice.

Getting divorced is not unusual these days. Hiding it for months is. That, if anything, is what people will gossip about.

Send an email to all the relatives and tell them the truth. Maybe say something like "mum's a bit upset about it, so if you have any questions please direct them to me not her". Hard to say whether it would be better to just say "We've separated" or to put a date on it - think that one through first. Prepare for questions on that and prepare your answer - maybe something like "we were separated but now we're divorcing, so it seemed like the moment to let everyone know" or "mum was a bit upset by it, so I didn't talk about it straight away" or whatever. Pick your line and stick to it. Remember you don't have to answer anything you don't want to.

As soon as you've sent it, call your mum and tell her, so she isn't blindsided when the others mention it. Let her kick off; it's going to happen some time, so you may as well get it over with. Go and see her again when she's calmed down a bit. Voila: you have made your own choice, your mother has reacted however she's going to react, the sky hasn't fallen, the world is still turning, and the divorce will soon be yesterday's news. She won't be able to sustain the drama when she sees that everyone else in the family isn't actually acting like it's the scandal of the century and you aren't either. Everyone else will soon adjust to the new normal, and so will she. Rip the plaster off. Be brave.

Gosh this is not normal. Your mum is controlling your life and you’re a grown woman and I suspect this isn’t the o ly area where she is controlling you.

This is not a good thing for your dc to see, they need to see a mum who is not afraid to make her own decisions.

Did either of you have an affair? Is that why she’s so worried about what people will think?

How old are you?

It's crazy to talk about 'going over her head' as though she's the family boss and you're subservient. Even if she was the boss, she's not a good one, lying to everyone. FGS just tell people the truth and don't buy into any of the dramatics. It happens all the time and your parents seriously need to get a grip and start living in reality. If anyone figures out how long the charade has been going on, just roll your eyes and say 'you know what my mum is like'.

It's your life, not hers, so woman up OP and just tell your family. You'll not be going over head, you'll be sharing something important with your loved ones.

Your mother can’t dictate the relationship you with other adults she’s not the boss of anybody.

No, no affairs. I left due to controlling and psychological abuse from ex. Some nasty stuff and DM knows how he behaved but still wants us back together. Divorce is very shameful for her and she even said well, there was no women’s aid in my day! Etc.

"Thanks for the eggs. Just so you know, me and xx aren't together any more so I've eaten them all. Hope that's okay!"

Ah ok, apologies 😔

Would you consider setting up a small Whatsapp group with your closest cousins and letting them know that way.

Do you feel your Mum's feelings override your own?

What you've done is hugely brave, especially as you had the courage not to accept your husband's behaviour.

Would she really prefer that you live your life in abject misery, it is absolutely not a reflection on her as a parent, so her "shame/embarrassment" is erroneous.

This is your path to walk @Iwishitwerewarmer you need support from her, not disapproval.

Hold your head up high, this is your news to share, rip off the plaster, it's not some dirty little secret.

Good luck to you and your children, stay strong. 🌸

WA has been around over 50 years so she's thinking of her own mother's era surely not her own. Her fantasies of social stigma are wildly out of touch.

Umm you're a grown up? Tell them yourself!

Women's aid was founded in 1974 and therefore have been around for 50 years. If she is 70+ then she's right but it's time to point out that a lot has changed in the last 50 years. The equal pay act had only just been passed. Harold Wilson was prime minister and we all drove Ford Cortinas! Time moves on, mum.

I am familiar with the dynamic where the parents (mothers) are the mediators of all information. Therefore I do think you can take it that it is important to start building relationships of your own within your wider family. One day your mum will have died; before that she may be too frail to pass or perhaps understand information. Even now, you are risking only having relationships that your mother approves of - so for example, there are a few cousins by marriage that were jointly disapproved of by my mum and her sisters - it took me years to understand that I could form my own opinion of these people and see them or not as I wanted to. I was missing out before. This is your family - claim it for yourself.

Oh, and for goodness sake just start telling people.

I’m sorry if it feels everyone on your thread is berating you, @Iwishitwerewarmer - but it is incredibly concerning that you’ve lived your life; entering relationships, working, having children, with this quite incredible oppression occluding your experience of the world.

Your relationships with everyone - partners, children, colleagues - and with yourself must be so utterly fucked up by your never feeling like a full and sufficient adult. It’s awful to think of.

I do honestly hope that reading all the posts here might prompt you to actively set about establishing your position as a separate human being to your mother.

Stop pandering to your mother, act like a grown up and tell people ffs.

What do you mean, over her head? It’s your marriage, not hers.

She sounds like a horrible bully. I can’t believe you have been signing cards as though you’re still together.

Just stop it. If DM gets the arse, so what?

You say "I couldn't do that" but you could - you’re just choosing not to, and colluding in your DM's control of your life. You have come to see this control as relatively normal, but you can surely see from the posts on here how unnatural it seems to everyone else.

You could tell your DM that if she doesn’t tell the rest of the family by, say, next Monday, you will - but it would be much better for you to just tell perhaps one of them (your cousin?) yourself and ask them to spread the news. That way you control the narrative (if you leave it up to your DM you don’t know what she will have said). You could explain to your cousin that your DM is very shocked and didn’t want people to know - I bet your cousin knows what your DM is like and would understand! Not many people are so old-fashioned about failed relationships these days.

It's your life. Take control.

..so let her be horrified...🤷‍♀️

You have a choice. Either continue to connive with your DM and accept that she's in control. Or put on your big girl pants and tell everyone yourself. Write a letter stating the facts and give DM an ultimatum. Either she tells everyone or you will send the letter by such-and-such date.
(Alternatively, you could just send the letter without giving her that option. I prefer this option as you're in charge of the narrative.)

“ You are afraid you couldn’t do that”
Why on earth are you not able to communicate with your own family simply and directly? I have been doing it since I was about twelve or so. It’s a very peculiar dynamic. I understand your DPs are unhappy, possibly embarrassed but you are enabling these attitudes. It must surely also be creating difficulties for your DC. Apart from possibly being confusing ( especially if your DPs are suggesting to them reconciliation is likely directly or by default ) it’s not good to suggest secrets like this are healthy.

The best thing you can do is to tell people as soon as possible, even in a joint message. Then let your parents know. That resolves the current situation and hopefully sets out how you want ( and your DC ) your relationship with your DPs to be going forward. No longer controlling but equitable.

Blaming herself for your separation feels very toxic - obviously I'm of a different generation, but I would hate it if I raised my child to stay in a marriage at all costs. I'm trying to raise girls who have standards in a relationship and understand the importance of financial independence. Coming out of a separation strongly like you have - with good bonds with your children, great friendships etc. is something to celebrate and be proud of. I hope you don't let her attitude get you down - you deserve a lot better. xx

You don’t need your mother’s permission to update family members about your life. If you do, you’ve even more problems. Do you have a family WhatsApp group or email group- if so just message everyone that “unfortunately H and I have separated and are planning on a divorce. We have both moved on to a new stage in our lives and will work to co parent our DC’s”