DM hasn’t told family I’m separated from DH

[Iwishitwerewarmer]

Separated from DH last July and I moved out of the family home. I did initially say to DM that we might be considering a trial separation but as time goes on it is obvious that there is no going back now.

My dilemma is that DM has not told any of our family (aunties, cousins etc) so at Christmas we had joint gifts and all Christmas cards were sent to the family home. A few days ago my cousin sent Easter eggs for us all to the family home. Also if there’s a birthday in the family I have to sign the card from myself and ex like we are still together.

My mum says she is so ashamed and that the family will “give her hell” She said that all conversations from now on will be on our separation/divorce. All of ex’s family know and all my friends/colleagues etc. The worry is that my family will somehow find out anyway although there are not many of them and we don’t see much of them.

DM is treating this as the shame of the century 🙈

Do you understand that the fact you feel you can not tell people in your family that you are separated shows how messed up your relationship with your Mum is? You are an adult, you can do whatever you want. I can't believe you have gone along with signing cards from your husband too. This is bonkers.

Wow this is such controlling behaviour and pretty narcissistic from your mum here
so she finds out you have a life changing and difficult situation going on for you and introduces shame to it and then controls the entire narrative around it
I know you don’t want to hurt her feelings but have you considered your own in any of this? She should be supporting you on many levels not making a drama all of her own out of it to put the focus on her
you mention you left the family home so I assume you have children? Buying into this ridiculous behaviour is surely damaging for them, if they get a whiff of the fact your separation should be a secret the they also inherit shame about it and it will 100% affect the way that they feel about their parents and crucially how they feel about the themselves as a product of this
take a step back and take control of your life OP, being in victim state will do you no favours at all

Horrified if you “went over her head”???? Is this a family or a large rigid corporation? The Third Reich???

Do you realise how crazy that sounds?

Just tell them!

FOG = Fear. Obligation. Guilt. Otherwise known as emotional abuse.

Your mum's issues are her issues. Tell your family, put an end to her lies.

This. Why are you allowing this to continue?

Change your status on social media to separated. Send a quick note out by whatever medium works. Stop indulging your mother's ridiculous attitude. It's not 1920.

OP, explain the time gap in telling people as the trial separation.
Just explain that you an ex have finally decided to separate.

i suspect your mum is got herself trapped and is worrrying more about family’s reaction against her, for not telling people sooner ( and that she insisted in controlling the narrative ).

Oh ffs op. Grow a spine, you have choices here, don’t complain a situation that is easy to resolve. Just tell people yourself, and defo don’t sign cards from both of you that’s batshit and people will think so, and say so, when they find out the truth.

I’m afraid that I couldn’t do that but what I will do is chat to my mum and tell her that people do need to know
Why are you so afraid of not obeying your mums weird demands??
What age are you?

You absolutely could do that. Stop making excuses.

Yeah OP what the hell

You could do that, but you're choosing not to because she's conditioned you to believe the world will end if you upset her. It won't.

Your divorce is none of her business. Stop letting her make it all about her.

Also, once your extended family do find out, and they will, it'll look weird as hell that you/she pretended for so long that nothing had happened. Point that out to her when she starts protesting about people finding out.

Let her be...

There is zero stopping you from send a whats app

You said you moved out of the family home but haven't said where your children are.

Do the children live with you or are they still in the family home?

How old are they? How often do you see them?

I'm not saying your mum is right but her embarrassment may go beyond you splitting up with your ex if you've left your children behind, so to speak.

To add it’s not about religion/culture, she’s not a mafia don.
What will happen if you do tell people? why are you scared of this mum you say you love??

@Boomboomboomboom The original post would imply the children are with @Iwishitwerewarmer or it wouldn't have been an issue sending Easter eggs to the former family home.

We share custody of the kids but I have them more than ex due to being part time.

This is such a weird situation.

Your DM is making you all lie - it must be very stressful for her too. Give her a deadline and if she doesn’t tell people then say you will.

If you don’t want to call then write a short note saying how upsetting it all is and you’d appreciate sensitivity moving forwards. Have you considered they might already know, or suspect, but are just playing along to keep the peace with your DM?

Yes that’s exactly it, she’s trapped herself now and is worried that the family will say - hang on! What happened to that super sized box of celebrations I bought for you and DH?! Who ate all?? lol.

I'd be giving her a ultimatum
'Look Mum, Mark and I have been separated since last year. This can't go on, ifs you can't tell everyone by X date I'll start telling the wider family'

And grey rock her

Aren’t you an adult? Ffs just tell one person and they will all know by the end of the week.

You are an independent adult and need to accept that your mother might be a monster who'd worry about imsge and not that you're happy.

Be bold and brave. Don't live in a shadow.

No one will care if you're separated or divorced. People will want you to be happy and safe.

Exactly this. Great comment.

You can definitely put a spin on the timeline. Say you did a trial separation, tried to work things out and now you have decided you need to part for good. That would cover your mum knowing but not saying anything for a while.

What would happen if you did tell family?

Like others I find it strange that you can't go over your mother's head and just tell people yourself

I'm reminded of a colleague from long ago - her mother used to make her feel a bit of a failure for being divorced and over the years made the odd cutting remark, instead of being supportive of her daughter who was cheated on which resulted in divorce, loss of house, income etc

However, what was never allowed to be remarked upon was colleague's brother, the Golden Child, who had also been divorced! He was held up as the now perfect family man who could do no wrong