DM hasn’t told family I’m separated from DH

[Iwishitwerewarmer]

Separated from DH last July and I moved out of the family home. I did initially say to DM that we might be considering a trial separation but as time goes on it is obvious that there is no going back now.

My dilemma is that DM has not told any of our family (aunties, cousins etc) so at Christmas we had joint gifts and all Christmas cards were sent to the family home. A few days ago my cousin sent Easter eggs for us all to the family home. Also if there’s a birthday in the family I have to sign the card from myself and ex like we are still together.

My mum says she is so ashamed and that the family will “give her hell” She said that all conversations from now on will be on our separation/divorce. All of ex’s family know and all my friends/colleagues etc. The worry is that my family will somehow find out anyway although there are not many of them and we don’t see much of them.

DM is treating this as the shame of the century 🙈

By saying nothing, you are lying to your family. If it was my family member I would be upset.

When I got divorced, we were the first Divorcees in both families. We were worried about it but our families were really supportive. A few months after, my ex aunt and uncle separated. They had been unhappy for years but seeing us do it, they finally admitted what the family had known and the comments were all "its about time".

OP, you mentioned The Other Bennet Sister, so rewatch it and pay particular attention to the part where she finally stands up to her mother and reclaims her life!
Divorce is difficult enough but as others have mentioned how you handle it will be observed by your DCs and you will also need support. Your DM is not helping you and her DGC with this attitude. Time to grow a backbone and reclaim your life.

You are an adult. Start with the cousin who sent you eggs. 'Thanks but just to let you know we've separated and are getting divorced' if they are anything like my family word will spread 🤣....quickly!

Talking to your relatives about your life is not going over her head. What a ridiculous, controlling woman she is.

Let her know you are going to tell them but you will make it abundantly clear to them that your marriage didn’t end because of anything your mother did so she has no reason to feel ashamed 🙄.

Just tell them yourself. Why are you relying on your mom to do it?
time to grow up

Sorry you sound really immature

OP, you are never going to change your mum's views on this and her perceived associated shame.
I talk from experience.
You need support in detaching from your embedded integration with her thought process.
Congratulations on your impending divorce (sad emotions too).
Hold your head up high when you let your family know, there is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of.

I’m genuinely concerned for you that you don’t think you have the freedom to speak for yourself.

Can you recognise from others reactions on this thread, that the level of control and influence your mother has over your relationships with family, over your choices, is not normal or healthy?

I have a cousin on Facebook and even though I obviously haven’t announced it , all my posts are just me without tagging DH so I wonder if she might have an inkling that something is amiss?

I don’t think the dynamic is normal, no, I left DH due to controlling behaviour and it does make me wonder if my dynamic with DM had an influence on the type of person I ended up with.

You’re an adult living your own life. You can do what you want and tell people what you want. Stop letting your mum control what you can and can’t do. If she’s horrified that’s her problem. Why do you want to live your life still signing cards etc from both of you.

yes it's a very weird dynamic for an adult woman. It's your life, just tell the next person who sends something to both of you.

@Iwishitwerewarmer You can do that and you must! Your mum does not make the rules. This time is not about your mum, it is about you.

At the very least send them a change of address card to avoid future cards and presents bring wrongly sent.

The longer it goes in the worse it will get.

You might cover up by saying the delay was requested by mum, saying she hoped for a reconciliation. Some of the family probably already know or suspect anyway.

It isn't her news to tell/prevent you from telling. She shouldn't be the gateway to your family, you should have your own relationship with them.

But she’s going over your head! It’s your news, she shouldn’t be dictating to you what to do about it. Who made her the boss of you? You’re both adults, you need to act like one and tell people.

Also - who gets Easter eggs for their cousin?!

It sounds like your DM is a gatekeeper to all other relatives! Thing is you are lying to them, you may feel she’s giving you no option, but you are pretending via signed cards, accepting joint gifts etc. It may be due to the strength of your mum’s feelings but my guess is that once wider family are aware (through third party/working it out on Facebook etc) your mum gatekeeps the fall out too…and it won’t be in a way that makes her look bad. It will probably be her giving the message back that you were struggling with the separation, you didn’t want them to know, you didn’t trust their reaction, you were too embarrassed so took DP’s share of the presents. Don’t leavr yourself so vulnerable. Be open and DM’s power disappears.

over her head??????? who died and made her queen of the world? YABU because you are complicit.

The similarities to the characters mum and mine are eerily similar, the dynamic between us is almost identical, she would never be mean about my appearance but she is a very negative person and I do admit I would be reluctant to stand up to her. I am slowly adding boundaries such as telling her to stop making certain comments as they are not helpful. I will re-watch it again! I identify with the main character too.

" I moved out of the family home"

I suspect it's not about leaving your husband @Iwishitwerewarmer it's that you may also have left the children behind, in their family home?

Did you?

I'd be telling them myself - my parents were the same way so I made sure I quickly announced it myself without referring to them. Ask her what she thinks the end game is - I mean you can't cover it over for ever so at some stage they need to know. And as you are settled on what you are going to do now then it's a good time to tell them. Doesn't need to be major, people are wrapped up in their own lives, after initial interest they won't dwell on it in my experience.

I’m afraid that I couldn’t do that

Yes. Yes you could and should

Please read my other posts. No. I would never leave my children behind. They are mostly with me.

Also if there’s a birthday in the family I have to sign the card from myself and ex like we are still together.

you don’t have too, you are choosing to. You could decide to write only your name but you're not. It would be far better to tell family regardless of your mums opinion. It would be more embarrassing and shocking if a family member turned up on your exs doorstep and he informed them you’ve been separated since July

It’s your life. She is imposing this over your head, not the other way round!