Gifts sent to our home from DHs female work colleague

[lolaflores]

On Saturday a parcel came to the house addressed to DH. It said "Easter surprise inside!"
I assumed it was an early gift from family and thought no more.
He came down and looked surprised and thought it was family as well.
He opened it up and went scarlet! You could have fried rashers on his face. Then he started giggling and showed me. It was a box with 3 packs of M&Ms. On the front of it was a photo of DH and a woman who works with him. Printed on the side was "Happy Easter *, you're the best".
She did this at Xmas with expensive hamper but there was no message or at least nothing that stood out.

I gave it a few minutes and expressed my discomfort at this. The way the message was phrased and the photo of them on the box. She'd also made sure it was 3 packs of his favourite M&Ms.

He works away every other week. So does she. I've over heard her in the background while he was on the phone to me after work a couple of times telling DH everyone is off to the restaurant "r u coming? Ill save you a space. Shall I get a drink for you?"
She is a project assistant so he is her boss.

To me this feels inappropriate. I don't like that she has sent this to our home. The photo felt really off. The phrasing "you're the best!" All of which I expressed. What business has she using our home address when she knows exactly where he will be week to week?

In my working life I've never done this or even thought of doing this? Is it out of order? He played it down but it's been playing on my mind. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 3 years ago. Our life has changed a lot and I often wonder if he wouldn't be happier with someone who isn't disabled.

That is so true. If I'd let rip with my initial thoughts it would have been a row. A row that I woukd have been hurt and angry in, reacting to my feelings and not able to hear anything he would have to say. And he has the right to defend himself and be heard. Whether I belive it or not is something else; but I don't think it would have got me any clarity and probably be a million times more wound up.

But you did express your displeasure, you listed all the reasons to him why you had a problem with it.

but then you turned on your heel and scarpered before waiting for any kind of response

Isn't this a GDPR breach, which is really serious for an organisation?

I've had colleagues buy me and others gifts, it is how some people ahow appreciation, I think some just like buying gifts. The photo is weird though! A team photo would be okay but not just the two of them. That's the kind of thing you'd do for a partner.

Agreed. I have emphasised that thats an invasion of my privacy which he agreed with but, I don't knowbif he will take it further than warning her about.
Is it a matter that could get someone dismissed without a warning etc?

I think I would encourage husband to approach HR for a meeting with colleague present and explain sending gifts to home address is not appropriate or acceptable.
If it was the other way round gender-wise, we would be asking if it was harassment or stalking…..

it’s not acceptable. You need to speak to your husband and see if anything untoward is happening between them. Assuming it’s not, I think he needs to speak to HR! Xo

I'd be telling him it's inappropriate and you're uncomfortable with it. He needs to tell her.

Same rock as me. Personally I would ignore the suggestive M&Ms theory, I bought my godson and my sister 1kg bags of their favourite M&Ms because they like them. Used green ones to spell out my nephew's name on his bday cake because he only likes green M&Ms.

The M&Ms are not the issue. This woman being highly unprofessional and your husband not involving HR immediately is. What's he going to do when she claims they have a relationship? He's the senior staff member.

This with bells on.

Really weird reaction on behalf of your DH. If I were you I‘d nod politely and say „what a weirdo“ and then watch him closely from now on. Shit radar has been activated 🚨

Exact opposite i think. She could have given him the gift at work but she chose to let his wife see it. I think she was staking her claim.

She sounds like a bit of a loser who needs to get a life outside of work

I agree. And I made that point to him that this left him in a spot where suggestions could be made and he'd have nothing to back himself up with.

He thinks she's a bit of an odd one but I ain't that sure if that's a reason to be given the benefit of the doubt.
As to whether or not any of thar happens; I'll have to trust him.

Yes. work and the people at work seem to be Everything she has. No partners or kids. Travels a lot for work, so times at last minutes notice. Been in the company a long time. Has progressed steadily.
Devoted all of herself to it.

Yep. Radar is going off. He knows that and said he'd feel the same if a male colleague sent me a gift at home.
Why would you be so stupid though?

You being uncomfortable does not make it an HR matter, least because you don’t work there.

You don’t like it, he’s been told. You either trust him or you don’t. Don’t fuck up this young woman’s career because you are sensitive.

For clarity, she's not young.

Bollocks to that.
OP isn't "being sensitive".

The woman who sent the packages is seriously overstepping.

It need logging with HR. She’s already been described as being extreme with her preferences so if he ends up on her shit list, I wouldn’t like to gamble that she wouldn’t say it’s reciprocated or initiated by him

Would you be saying the same if this was a young man at work sending gifts like this to a married woman?

Fwiw @lolaflores hasn't implied this is a young woman at all, just that her husband is her superior.

I work a lot with GDPR policy in my line of worn because of the data I have access to. This is a massive breach of GDPR, she has used private information for a personal matter, when that information should have been destroyed appropriately. Instead, she has kept that information and used it to stalk/harass a member of staff. It's also an invasion of privacy for yourself, as well as whomever else lives in your home. This should have gone straight to HR, because if she turns out to be psychotic and something bad happens, she knows where you live etc...your husband could lose his job, someone could end up hurt.

This should have gone straight to HR. Phone the company and report it yourself, because I do not believe a word your husband has said. There is no smoke without fire. Something prompted her to think it was OK to send those gifts.

There was a rumour when I a kid that the blue M&Ms made you horny. I’d remove the blue ones ASAP.

But in all seriousness she is staking her claim on your husband and inappropriately pushing boundaries.

I would bet my house on him not really dealing with this OP. He’ll ask her not to send things because his “crazy wife” (as he is very likely to blame you) doesn’t like it. But the inappropriate relationship will continue. I don’t mean they’re having an affair - yet. But there is some testing of the water happening…

KeepingThings - You're either the sender of gifts, or you've done this yourself in the past and recieved consequences for it, so now you're projecting.

I've heard that theory now I'm not saying anything is going on with the OPs DH but why is that? Why do they want to be known to the wife? You'd think they'd want the complete opposite!