Gifts sent to our home from DHs female work colleague

[lolaflores]

On Saturday a parcel came to the house addressed to DH. It said "Easter surprise inside!"
I assumed it was an early gift from family and thought no more.
He came down and looked surprised and thought it was family as well.
He opened it up and went scarlet! You could have fried rashers on his face. Then he started giggling and showed me. It was a box with 3 packs of M&Ms. On the front of it was a photo of DH and a woman who works with him. Printed on the side was "Happy Easter *, you're the best".
She did this at Xmas with expensive hamper but there was no message or at least nothing that stood out.

I gave it a few minutes and expressed my discomfort at this. The way the message was phrased and the photo of them on the box. She'd also made sure it was 3 packs of his favourite M&Ms.

He works away every other week. So does she. I've over heard her in the background while he was on the phone to me after work a couple of times telling DH everyone is off to the restaurant "r u coming? Ill save you a space. Shall I get a drink for you?"
She is a project assistant so he is her boss.

To me this feels inappropriate. I don't like that she has sent this to our home. The photo felt really off. The phrasing "you're the best!" All of which I expressed. What business has she using our home address when she knows exactly where he will be week to week?

In my working life I've never done this or even thought of doing this? Is it out of order? He played it down but it's been playing on my mind. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 3 years ago. Our life has changed a lot and I often wonder if he wouldn't be happier with someone who isn't disabled.

Are you sure? Some people are actually just nice and thoughtful, and send gifts to people as a little surprise.

Asked my OH who is a line manager in IT. He said he's definitely up to no good. I hope he's wrong. But wanted to add a mans perspective

Reading with interest. I had a similar thing years ago. The female colleague started buying presents for our children. Pretended it was just a nice gesture as she was buying things for her children too (when I say presents, think notepads and pen with my kids names on)
she was definitely making herself known. It got worse. But all under the guise of ‘nothing to see here-just a nice college doing nice things’. She was a bloody nightmare and when my H didn’t deal with her effectively enough, I had to ring her. Weak husband and determined colleague. The worst combination.

i don’t think it needs Hr. He needs to tell her it was unprofessional and cannot happen again. Meanwhile you keep a watching brief.
all the best to you

are you kidding? she is wanting to let wifey know there is something up, or else hoping it will cause a row and he will need a shoulder to cry on..

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this OP.

It is understandable that everything is now swirling in your mind.

however, From work etiquette perspective I thought best to highlight that the bit about you hearing her through the phone saying everyone else had left and asking if she could order a drink for him , et cetera is what anyone with a good working relationship with their boss would do. Maybe not all Qsin one go, but certainly about everyone else having left for the restaurant. Actually, a lot of people would quickly scribble on a post note and put it in front of the boss..

The bit about sending gifts to your home one from your perspective is how does she know of his address. Even without seeing the answer it’s common sense if he is her boss 98% would mean that she would know his home address. Let alone if she books taxes and all that. In terms of data protection, I don’t think that’s strong enough other than just the inappropriateness of the contents of the gift, especially the photo together in the weddings in it I hope that helps. You do need to focus on more important aspects of this strange situation.

Yes I agree with some posters. I believe your husband is just for fobbing you off and it’s not likely that he can make all those changes you suggested. To be fair, it may not be procedural or legal for him and His other colleague to make those changes, without it having gone through HR and some work policies engaged.

also, Why not suggest your husband finds another job? Why must she be the one asked to find another project ( do you intimate? There are other reasons) or other job?

You too need to decide how much disruption you want to cause to your DH and your own family.

Thank you so much.
I appreciate that other view.

I’d be telling him to tell her it’s inappropriate as it’s yours and your family’s home, work things need to be kept at work and work related, not infringing on your home life, I think she brazen and it’s quite rude, I wouldn’t be happy at all and I’d make sure he made her aware of this too. She’s not stupid and Trying to gain his attention , what a sad stupid person she is.

Exactly this. She's hoping that by getting the affair out in the open he will pick her over his wife

To be honest, I've given xmas gifts to my bosses in the past, usually a cake or their favourite tipple. Woukd have done a hamper but my budget is not large enough. Never for easter, and handed to them at work...
Also gave and was given favourite treats by/to colleagues, either when we were all going through a rough or busy time at work, or in return to a favour or a good turn. I think our team once dropped off some doughnuts to a colleague who was wfh during covid times but this story doesn't compare. The colleague sounds quite weird. If trying to suck up, she shot herself in a foot and now will be known as an office loony or a bunny boiler.
Op, I think if you haven't seen any suspicious behaviour from your hubby I wouldn't worry

Just asked mine to go is a manager and he said and he said “ clearly he is up to no good and she wants his wife to find out about them “ he didn’t even thought that could possibly be an alternative to this and he is the friendliest person in the world not one to see evil in anything

If also ve suggesting we have dinner. You will know. Neutral ground and dinner. Im so sorry

pS:I am very sorry I laughed when OP made their comment that she is not young or words to that effect. Darling one can be in their 40s and the husband still be taking in or being friendly or whatever description you put to the situation with a woman even in her 60s therefore leaving the wife and the children without the appropriate attention.. yep some women remain desirable no matter the age and lastly it is all in the eye of the beholder. .

again so sorry you are having to deal with this . I will caution that emotions yes I know it’s difficult , are removed a bit.

.no. he's not going to be looking for another job right at this moment.
She will be going to a different project due mostly to some other behaviour but this certainly hasn't helped.
No one will be leaving the company because of M&Ms.

What a leap

with a photo of the two of them.....to his wife

Because she’s a bit of a twit who overstepped?

Op either way it’s not looking good you can’t send your boss a gift just before your review especially to his home. Op I know you trust him but just keep your eyes wide open whenever this happened in my workplace it was usually because they’re having an affair physical or emotional but sending it to your home is like she’s making a statement to you. Like others have said she could have give him them at work without the photo but she never. Why do that? If I had a decent boss I would not do this especially just before my appraisal I worked somewhere once where apparently the boss and employee done the review in bed together not a couple by the way. Just remember affairs can take place right under your nose or at work. Either way she sounds like trouble.

So well put. All bets are down!!!

sorry for lack of proofreading earlier. Was dictating and have had a long day but thought to make my comment to OP in case she finds it relevant.

I tell you what, there are things in life sometimes that to sane well behaved people sound wildly unbelievable but there is always that chance that it might be possible.
I've never met this person so I've no measure of her personality which means I am filling in some blanks but behaviour can tell some things

No worries

That sentence sums it all up for me. Just that.
A photo of the 2 of them and I get to see it .
Not a good look

It really isn't a leap. It's pretty basic psychology.

She's marking her territory

I’m clearly too naive because it seems batshit to me! But you’re right

Could be harmless - you described her as a having not much else going on in her life and very focused on work. Maybe your DH blushed because he was embarrassed for her. It could mean nothing - that’s why I’d just shrug it off but quietly watch. I can’t give more advice but trust your instincts OP.

My take is she’s making a point and trying to cause trouble. Could your husband be having an affair or had some involvement with her? No other explanation as far as I can see it. Completely unprofessional otherwise .The reaction says ‘busted’ all over it. Need a serious discussion.

My eyes have been opened 😂 genuinely didn’t occur to me it could be a power play but I’m sure you’re right