Gifts sent to our home from DHs female work colleague

[lolaflores]

On Saturday a parcel came to the house addressed to DH. It said "Easter surprise inside!"
I assumed it was an early gift from family and thought no more.
He came down and looked surprised and thought it was family as well.
He opened it up and went scarlet! You could have fried rashers on his face. Then he started giggling and showed me. It was a box with 3 packs of M&Ms. On the front of it was a photo of DH and a woman who works with him. Printed on the side was "Happy Easter *, you're the best".
She did this at Xmas with expensive hamper but there was no message or at least nothing that stood out.

I gave it a few minutes and expressed my discomfort at this. The way the message was phrased and the photo of them on the box. She'd also made sure it was 3 packs of his favourite M&Ms.

He works away every other week. So does she. I've over heard her in the background while he was on the phone to me after work a couple of times telling DH everyone is off to the restaurant "r u coming? Ill save you a space. Shall I get a drink for you?"
She is a project assistant so he is her boss.

To me this feels inappropriate. I don't like that she has sent this to our home. The photo felt really off. The phrasing "you're the best!" All of which I expressed. What business has she using our home address when she knows exactly where he will be week to week?

In my working life I've never done this or even thought of doing this? Is it out of order? He played it down but it's been playing on my mind. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 3 years ago. Our life has changed a lot and I often wonder if he wouldn't be happier with someone who isn't disabled.

are you this naive in your own life?

FFS not to their home address!

And if it were a gift left onbthe desk from the team for Xmas, I'd think nothing of it.
But it was none of those things.

Maybe I am naive, but would she really be so brazen to mark the territory (ops husband) to the wife?
If she wanted to reveal herself as a mistress or a "work wife" she would have been more obvious

To cause waves and force someone to leave their spouse. I've read about people being that desperate for their AP to leave their spouse that they will make themselves known so that said spouse kicks them out and AP has to go to them.

Not that I believe this is an affair situation from what has been said. It's great this is getting dealt with because my first thought was OPs DH could end up in a lot of trouble if things were misconstrued due to her breaking professional boundaries because he is her senior. The selfie was as weird as sending to a home address! You just don't do these things. So inappropriate.

Go too obvious and you risk severely pissing off the man you're trying to get.

I very rarely give the DH the benefit of the doubt on threads like these. But in my opinion (and from your DH’s reaction) this sounds to me like this women is a bit unhinged and is displaying stalkerish behaviour.

It’s clearly inappropriate. It’s like those messages that older men send to younger women and people on here say he’s just being kind. No! In these situations I always consider, would they send the same thing to someone of the same gender and the answer is always ‘no’. She wouldn’t be sending a photo of her and her female boss to her home with some M&Ms and he would think it was very odd if his male report sent him a photo of them together with some packets of M&Ms.

That tells me it’s off OPP. As fishy as a tin of sardines left open on the side for five days IMHO.

I'm afraid as a cynical old bat who's known a lot of men (and a few women like this too) and read a lot of MN threads, I agree with the affair theory. If it's not a full-on affair it's about to be. She's deliberately throwing a bomb into his home life because she wants you to find out or suspect him and kick him out.

NO woman sends a married man a comedy/in-joke gift parcel to his home with a pic of them together for his wife to see, as a naive/innocent, thoughtful act of kindness 🤦🏻‍♀️ I mean REALLY.

And if it was truly out of the blue and not indicative of something going on, he'd just have been baffled, maybe a bit annoyed or unimpressed - why would he go red? He wouldn't.

Dear god. M&ms are not a secret message. She was way out of line but his embarrassment on opening the package seems 100% reasonable to me and he has since handled it appropriately. I would have zero concerns about my dh in your shoes.

Don’t do that OP; it’s a bit embarrassing. If he can’t sort it out himself, tell her to back off if necessary, he’s not worth having.

Why are you blaming her. It's clear he likes her back or she wouldn't have sent.

If it was simply a gift, she would've wanted to actually see his reaction. She would've left it on his desk or handed it to him.

She sent it to your home. It was for you essentially, not your DH. I agree with others on here that there is more to it. She knows it was inappropriate but equally knows that your DH won't sack her / report her to HR.

Why is she so confident? Where are her balls coming from ? What does she know about your DH that he wouldn't necessarily want to be made public?

I think the dh opening it in front of op is a signal that this is one sided. She's after him, but I don't think its reciprocal. If he wanted he could have easily said let's just put it away for Easter then claimed to have forgotten where he put it while opening in secret. You know sometimes women do throw themselves at men and get rejected. He needs to report it to her simply to protect his own job against a claim of sexual harassment

@Ashkrevon
’Melts in your mouth, not in your hands’ slogan was for Treets/Minstrels, not Revels which do melt in your hands. Treats/Minstrels had a candy coating on top of the chocolate.

Quite. DH is the boss and he brings home presents from his female staff all the time. But they are handed to him at work and are usually homemade jalebis and halwas.

Completely out of order and just not…normal. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re handling it really well. Blowing it up on the GDPR/home address angle is a masterstroke. Because you can be furious and yet nobody can call you paranoid because she fucking did it. She sent them. You haven’t imagined it.

You sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, OP. Don’t doubt yourself and play the long game. Vigilance is key here.

Incidentally, boasts about sex and drug parties? Eugh. She’s acting like some kind of nympho freak. Gross.

Hmm it doesn’t always work like that @Lmnop22 .

A former colleague/friend of mine said the OW, who was her now ex-husbands coworker, give him a birthday card saying “to the best boyfriend ever” with a picture of the two of them on the front of it. He didn’t exactly hide it since she found it in their room.

OP I don’t feel you should need to tiptoe around your husband but it’s definitely inappropriate for you to speak to the woman yourself. Ask him straight why is this happening and let him know he needs to put a stop to it if it’s making you feel uncomfortable.

FWIW while I had two (married) male bosses I was pretty close to (as work friendships go) And we still meet for occasional coffees years on after I’ve left that job, but I’d never send something like that. I do find it very strange and although we can’t know her intentions for sure it’s not Unreasonable for you not to be okay with it

Exactly.

And OP, if he’s unwilling to draw boundaries with this woman and you step in to communicate with her, he will just tell her to ignore you and carry on as normal.

If she’s this bold it’s unlikely she will back off unless your husband speaks up.

They work away together every other week, and she sends gifts. They’re shaggjng is my take on it.

She included a photograph of herself with someone elses husband, and then sent it to his home address where wifey would almost certainly see it....how much more brazen and territorial does she need to be?

My instinct is that they are already involved or have been in the past.

She's letting you know.

The working on another project is rubbish. He may be trying to cool things down or he may be saying that to pacify you.

But the only reason a woman would do this is because they have history.

Oh look a rareity, a normal sane person.

it's some M&M' s not SM gear.

OK, so she's a massive flake with terminal main character syndrome. She's moving to a different team. There's no sign DH is embroiled with her, no impassioned defence of her and no attempts to silence or shame you.

Seems like a good outcome.

He should go to HR. This could really blow up badly and then he will look like he was hiding things from his employer.