Man I have been seeing for months has fiance

[Larose123]

Im completely head over heels for a man, we've been seing each other for three months. He's a lovely man, so funny, kind, caring, intelligent, ambitious etc

Today I found out he has a fiance.

He doesn't know I know.

What do I do?

I'm not even angry with him, I just feel numb right now. And sad 😔

No one consents to being treated badly in a relationship fgs. What he's done is terrible but it isn't rape.
Rape by deception apologist, I've heard everything now 😂

Exactly.

It takes time to process these things. Give yourself some space from him while you do.

You might be experiencing this information as he’s cheating on her with you. That is a softer interpretation than the truth that he’s cheating on you both. Sometimes our brains try and protect us from hurt.

Triangulation is particularly powerful because it alters your focus, from is he worthy of me to me or her. Many men use this psychological trick to hook women, and it usually links to some weakness in their childhood emotional
history (what did you learn about relationships growing up?). In a healthy relationship the couple choose each other above every available potential mate. That’s the kind of love you deserve op - don’t get tricked into performing the pick me dance and judging your worth through a distorted lens. Whether you’re any more or less than her, is completely unimportant. If you were with a good man, he wouldn’t be comparing you to anyone else and he’d be proving himself worthy of you.

Relationships are literally entanglements, and it is very, very hard and painful to break free. That’s why we are so prone to gaslighting, and believing that what we want to see is what we are seeing. Finding your anger will give you the strength to break free.

Before you do anything else, you need to book an sti test. You don’t know who else he’s been with, and there’s a strong likelihood there have been others. Check that this hasn’t compromised your health. Think about yourself first - you can figure out what to do about him and her later.

@Larose123 Im completely head over heels for a man

How can you even use the present tense? The second I heard he already had a girlfriend he would be completely dead to me. Move on. Don't waste the time telling him. Just go.

Walk away.

He's a lovely man, so funny, kind, caring, intelligent, ambitious

He's not though OP. That's what you need to focus on. He is not who you thought he was. It's not him you love, it's a fake version that doesn't exist. Lovely, kind and caring people don't treat others like he has treated you. He's deliberately behaved in ways that hurt both you and his fiancé - unkind, uncaring and 100% not lovely.

I would tell her before she marries him and finances etc become trickier.

Could not disagree more. The OP hasn't 'caused' any upset. It's the man and only the man who has caused this. As someone who was cheated on for a very long time, I can't tell you how violated, humiliated and stupid you feel particularly when you realise people did know and didn't tell you. Cheaters get away with it because other people keep their secrets. The other woman deserves to know, She may not thank you for it now, but it is the right thing to do.

This! Everything you admire about this man is a fantasy/illusion. He’s not who you think he is and he’s definitely not who his fiancée thinks he is.

I would want to know if someone was betraying my trust in such a vile way.

This. Lovely men do not deceive and manipulate two women.

I bet he wouldn’t be ‘lovely, funny, kind and caring’ if you confronted him with the knowledge you know what he’s been up to. Or if you told him you’re going to tell his fiancée. I bet you’d see the real him then (not that I recommend you do the latter). I would tell her but probably anonymously as I don’t trust how someone like him would react.

My friend was the fiance in this situation. The groom-to-be’s best friend made him tell her, and she is very glad he did, as it gave her a chance to cancel everything and not marry a horrible human being.
(edit for typo)

@Larose123 and how do you know if you are the "only" other woman?

It gets me that MN generally tend to advise to stay out of it but imho - you should stand up for what you believe in - as the saying goes - if you don't stand for something, you'll stand for anything. Grow a backbone is my view - every option has it's downside - there is no simple, perfect, answer.

I get the feeling you will continue to be the other woman...

Rape by deception or fraud has been prosecuted in the UK and other countries, although it's rarely called that. In the UK, a person has been convicted, including on appeal, for having sex with a woman after deceiving her about their gender. There was also a case of a man who was sentenced for claiming he had a vasectomy, although that was reversed on appeal. And of course the Crown Prosecution refused to prosecute the spycops. But Israel, California, China, and other countries have explicit laws against rape by deception. Sweden includes it under consent laws, as does Australia.

It's hard to convict under these laws for the same reasons it is difficult to proescute more conventional forms of rape: lack of political will, overstrained police and court systems, patriarchy, rape myths. But just because rape by deception is not often successfuly prosecuted or is coded under consent laws does not mean it is NOT rape as we know it: sexual penetration of one person by another without that person’s freely given consent.

Until 1991, women in the UK had no recourse if their H raped them: marital rape as a law did not exist. Does that mean those women weren't raped? Of course they were.

Just because we don't have a law for rape by deception NOW does not mean rape by deception as a concept does not exist.

Compassion for women who have been treated so cruelly is in order here, not sneering mockery.

Telling someone you're male when you aren't or that you're going to use a condom/had a vasectomy and then you don't can't be compared to infidelity.

As a pp said, rape by deception as a concept for infidelity undermines the horrific act that is actual rape.

And my sneering tone was in reply to the poster who I was replying to, who quite rightly had their posts deleted because they were probably a troll unbalanced.

I have the utmost sympathy for the OP and if you'd read all my posts you'd know that because you see the one where I discussed being in a similar situation.

Bastard.

I'm really sorry OP. An awful thing to do to you, and his fiancee. You need to dump him. Even if he leaves her, he will do it to you one day.

How did you find out , do you know when they are due to get married? You’re still in shock from finding out. Let your feelings settle before doing anything . Unless they’re getting married next week

"rape by deception as a concept for infidelity undermines the horrific act that is actual rape."

It's not the rape olympics. Classifying one form of rape as more serious than another minimizes victim experiences, discourages reporting, and undermines accountability for all forms of non-consensual sex. Many women who have been tricked by a cheater into sex feel extremely physically violated and consider it a form of rape. That sentiment should be respected on a board like this.

My impression of the person who you call a troll was that she was intensely triggered by your post. You may have been through what OP did but your responses have been unkind and sneering and not a credit to you.

Consenting to sex with someone who you later discover has been unfaithful to you is not rape. It's shit, but its not rape. Can you imagine if everyone who had been unfaithful at some point was convicted of rape? It would be ludicrous and the streets would half empty.

I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.

How did you find out OP?

I don't think OP is coming back.

Hi! Sorry I had a long day at work today, I promise I will reply to all your questions tomorrow! For now I've been texting him as usual so I can get evidence (snapchat deletes messages after 24 hours). Im planning to confront him in person rather than by ext, even though he will lie to me either way, Im sure!!!

Im feeling better but still not angry. At least not numb anymore.