Man I have been seeing for months has fiance

[Larose123]

Im completely head over heels for a man, we've been seing each other for three months. He's a lovely man, so funny, kind, caring, intelligent, ambitious etc

Today I found out he has a fiance.

He doesn't know I know.

What do I do?

I'm not even angry with him, I just feel numb right now. And sad 😔

OK, you don’t want to “hurt” him. 🤐

But how about teaching him to have some respect for women? For you, his fiancée, other women he meets and lies to in the future and the women he has lied to in the past, because I am willing to bet my house on this not being the first time he has seen himself as an irresistible stud who was put on this earth to spread his charms and bodily fluids as widely as possible.

"this is rape by deception"

Agree. He took away both the fiancee's and OP's ability to consent to sex with him. Probably didn't use condoms with either as well. He's a disgusting human.

I’m so sorry that has happened to you, OP 💐

IMHO you need to tell the fiancé. Not for revenge, but out of kindness to her. Strongly suggest doing this before you tell him you know about her or finish with him. Men this duplicitous tend to fob the OW off to their DP as ‘crazy’ or play down the extent of the relationship. And if he knows, he’ll destroy evidence the fiancé may need to see to believe you and extract herself.

Can you feign illness (a bad flu or something) for a week while you take it all in, screenshot all the evidence before he deletes it and contact the fiancé. Also, make sure you’re safe after you’ve told him, as he may turn nasty.

Then simply block him.

There’s a chance the relationship with the fiancé has run its course and he’s more into you. Or the fiancé is a nightmare. But he’s shown you he’s dishonest and been disrespectful to you. He should have ended his engagement before getting involved with you. Or at least told you his situation.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're just in shock and, probably, can't take in the facts yet. You'll find your anger. Just give it time.

I'd be tempted to ghost him for now. Radio silence. That'll give his cocky little ego a jolt.

Let things settle in your head before you decide whether/how to confront him/tell her.

You'll look back one day and see you've had a lucky escape.

“What do I do?”

Never see him again!

He's not a lovely man, and you make sure she knows he's not a lovely man. You can't let another woman go blindly into a marriage with him. Your feeling towards him will change. Don't let him wheedle you in the meantime.

Is lovely kind caring intelligent and ambitious?

hes a two timing have my cake and eat it bastard and you have been conned

hugs

Aww OP that’s horrible. I’m sad for you. Angry for her and you!
The thing about the fiancee is that she might go ahead and marry him anyway so factor that into your decision about telling her.

I don’t know if I personally would tell her - but that’s from fear and I’d feel ashamed that I couldn’t do it.

I think “charming” men are inherently dangerous- the type that convinces everyone that they are sweet and kind but often they have the most nasty streak. And I’d be scared of HIM retaliating. I suppose, if I were making the decision to tell or not, it depends on that capacity in him. What’s he like if things don’t go his way, even small things?

He’s absolutely NOT a lovely man, he’s a pos.

This is why it’s so important to be mindful in the very early stages as you simply don’t know them. They often send their representative for the first few months but the mask inevitably slips. You just happened to see it earlier than he planned, because who he actually is, is a cheat and liar.

in terms of telling her I would absolutely want to know if the person I was planning to marry was actually an untruthful cheat.

Also, if you have been having unprotected sex and even if you haven’t tbh go and get tested too. She needs to know for this reason alone who knows what this man has been spreading about.

'Rape by deception' has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read on MN.
An adult going into any sort of relationship knows someone may not be what they seem. That is just life.

Presumably OP and the fiance both consented to sex with this man. Yes, he's lied but please let's not pretend anyone has been raped.

Yes I would tell her. It's not too late for her to end the relationship

But do it kindly "I'm sorry, I had no idea" etc

Tell his fiance. She should know before she makes a choice to marry him. Up to her what she does afterwards.

If you feel that you're betraying him, what does that make his actions? He's betraying TWO women. And possibly more. Because if he'd do it to the woman he is engaged to marry and spend the rest of his life with, believe he'd add any extra interested women in there too. He's probably had one night stands since he's been with you.

Tell her, not for revenge. To help her.

I didn’t say it wasn’t.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_by_deception

OP did not consent to have sex with someone who was having sex with someone else.

Many people, especially women, consider this a physical violation akin to rape.

Try and find a contact for his fiance and tell her that you had no idea there was another woman but that she needs to know and then walk away.

Yes tell her. I had a similar experience about 16 years ago and I WISH I had told her.

Is she still with him?

Ever heard of spycops?

How did you find out? Do you know how to contact her?

I have not rtft but the person doing the hurting and fuck ups of lives is the unfaithful, lying, cheating man. Not the op. This is on him. Whatever the op chooses to do it's him that's caused the harm.

Patriarchy in action. 🙄

I think you are forgetting he has no respect for YOU either op .
He doesn’t love you and he has been using you for FUN.

She married him. Which I can't get my head around. If he's that bad, why did she marry him? I know I didn't tell her but he has a reputation and was later fired for being inappropriate to a younger female colleague.

Or Assange?

How did you find out he had a fiance?