Man I have been seeing for months has fiance

[Larose123]

Im completely head over heels for a man, we've been seing each other for three months. He's a lovely man, so funny, kind, caring, intelligent, ambitious etc

Today I found out he has a fiance.

He doesn't know I know.

What do I do?

I'm not even angry with him, I just feel numb right now. And sad 😔

Unfortunately he's not kind or caring if he has a fiancé.. 😕

OP this happened to me, with a man I'd been seeing 5½ YEARS. For half of that time he was involved with someone else. He lied to my face over and over and over.

Thoughts of revenge and telling her are overwhelming but all the therapy I've had advises that doing this keeps you emotionally invested and bonded, and the best thing you can do for yourself is remove yourself from the situation entirely. I know it feels absolutely impossible when all you want to do is tell the world what he's like and then shoot him in the bollocks with a crossbow. I agree about the rape by deception. I had to do an STD test and felt absolutely annihilated. Still do. I wasted half my forties on that cunt.

It will take time but what you're aiming for is indifference.

And are you able to contact her anyway? I have no way of doing so with "my" OW. He blocked me on every channel when he found out I knew, and her Instagram won't accept messages from people she doesn't follow.

OP gently, it’s only been 3 months - I completely get your hurt but you should want him to suffer, he’s a pig. If I were the fiance I would absolutely want to know, I think you should tell her x

There are bound to be other ways to tell her. Look her up, use the area, her name etc. She will be there somewhere.

Definitely tell her

She will be contributing to a wedding, losing her fertile years etc - to a sleazebag

its awful this has happened to you - telling her is the only good thing that will come out of the situation

send proof and then distance yourself/cut him off and focus on moving on

Definitely tell her. Stop her from wasting her life on a man who will repeatedly cheat on her. She can get out now before she’s too committed.

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP, you deserve so much better, you sound like a kind and caring person.

He is neither lovely, kind or caring

She's in another country

(Don't ask 🙄. I was taken for an absolute fool. To be fair, I was one)

I personally wouldn't tell her, i wouldn't want to be involved in their relationship.

I would tell him but then block him and move on.

Yes, especially given that they aren't even married yet. Hopefully she'll dump and dodge years of heartbreak.

Men are awful. Sorry OP. Id also be tempted to have some fun with this and not let on you know for a bit but I get youre rreling and probably not what you want to do.

(Removed the bit about telling her face to face...)

Tell her.
He's a bastard, to both of you.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you x

This happened to me with my ex husband for almost 20 years. I didnt find out til the end. Yes it's violating, and should be a crime for the damage it causes.

I was with my ex for 2.5 years. We were engaged, looking at houses together, trying for a baby etc etc. turns out I was the other woman. Original woman found out way before I did as we were in town and her family saw us (didn't know at the time obvs). It's been 15 years since I found out and we split, they're still together and have kids now. I doubt he's changed.

You may not be the first. She may already know. She may ignore it or call you a liar. Just end it and move on.

Please, just tell her. I’ve been in that situation myself, and honestly, I would have much rather known the truth than waste years of my life, my health, and my sanity. She might be upset at first, but that’s something you can’t control. You can only control how you react.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. He isn't kind, he is selfish. You deserve better than that, so please take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself right now.

Also, does he not have any social media at all? It feels strange that he’s managed to keep you both completely separate. The whole situation is unsettling, to be honest. Have you met at work?

He is a manipulative lying cheat. He has been that for you and for the fiancee. As a fellow woman she deserves a 'heads up' about him.
Just brief and with facts.

He has abused you (yes, it’s emotional abuse), and likely behaved in ways that have left you feeling this way. He is manipulative and does not care about you or his fiancé. Whatever you thought was, isn’t. He is likely a narcissist- look it up and see if it fits. Chances are he has love bombed you.

So good you found this out now and can get out. He is not the man you thought. Grief will pass. Honestly. Grief now is better than becoming further enmeshed with this specimen. He is not a good man.

How did you meet him and how did you find out he has a finance?

Poor you, poor her, horrible him

Give yourself a break, OP. You've done nothing wrong, and nothing is wrong with you. You've had a big shock and are still reeling from finding out that your 'lovely kind boyfriend' is nothing of the sort. No wonder you feel confused and numb.
There's no hurry to decide whether to tell his fiancee. Look after yourself for a fw weeks and decide when you are feeling a bit better.

“He's a lovely man, so funny, kind, caring, intelligent, ambitious etc”

Hes a great actor with zero moral compass by the sounds of it. “Sociopath” is the word I think.

I am sorry to hear this. It must be a total shock. I think it was Dr Phil who said that only 5% of relationships like this, with a cheater, will last.
After the shock settles and you can measure pro's and con's I hope you will be able to move on. Unless you've misunderstood and he no longer has a fiance, but you assumes he does? Maybe they broke up?

Are you absolutely certain this is a current fiancé and not a prior relationship? If so then yes, I would tell her. Not for ‘revenge’ on him as that is pointless, but so that she doesn’t go ahead and actually marry this man, spend thousands on a wedding, think he is her future, maybe have a baby , and then find out.
I don’t know how one processes something like this OP. It can be really hard to understand something like this, it shakes your sense of self and your judgment. It affects future relationships. It’s a terrible thing for him to have done to you.
I would want to have it out with him, but you may not want to do that ?

The man you were seeing doesn’t really exist. He was acting. He wasn’t telling the truth. He wasn’t being open and kind. The whole time he was being cruel, calculating and conceited. It’s all been an act to keep you, and his fiancée on the hook.

Tell her everything. You didn’t know. You are both victims of this man. Tell her with irrefutable evidence then block them both. What she and he do from that point isn’t up to you.

Kind, honest, funny and reliable men do exist and they are out there. Throw this frog back!

He's not lovely.

How can he be?

Time for you to dump him.