Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

I don't think he needs blood tests and I think if you raise the idea of sex therapy you'll be killing any sex life dead. He sounds extremely sensitive to criticism and he would take this as criticism. I don't think he has a very high sex drive and that doesn't mean he's low in testosterone, it's just normal for some people. If he had more of a sex drive he would be more motivated to have sex even if it wasn't a long session, but I think what you get is what you get from him. It wouldn't be enough for me personally.

I think your update is broadly positive. His attitude to sex seems in keeping with his general personality, which is good, as a pp says it means he is being authentic with you. Did you reassure him that you don't care if some sessions are shorter and less 'perfect'? It could also be worth pointing out that if you want to try for a baby in future you will have to have sex more frequently and see his response.

Rather than sending him off for blood tests and sex therapy, could you suggest that both of you attend counselling or a marriage course together? Not to "fix the problem" but for both of you to see if you're compatible long term. The sex thing can be discussed as part of a series of conversations about your attitudes to money, parenting etc, rather than focusing solely on that. Tbh I think all couples should do this before getting married. (This is assuming both of you are serious about this relationship long term.)

Finally, to address one point that a few people made re: 'If he likes cleanliness and a regimen, he won't like having kids'. I must stress that he is so good with my nieces. I also thought that he wouldn't be good with the mess and chaos they bring, but he is

Being an uncle/auntie or knowing people with kids is very different to being a parent. You can hand the child back to the parents whenever you want. Wiping up vomit once isn’t the same as a child projectile vomiting over the bed and carpet in your own house. If he’s a clean freak and hates changes to his routine then he won’t be a good father. He’d also have to give up habit to go to the gym several times a week. Also 40 mins sex sounds performative and I’d get bored.

I agree with all this.

I think he sounds full of red flags and just the way he thinks about sex would put me off. Where’s the spontaneity? If everything is overthought and regimented? He already sounds controlling and unbending.

OP, generally when young men do have a very high sex drive, it is unusual not to. There are women out there who would welcome that or compromise and be happy with it. That doesn't sound like you. The vibe I'm getting is that at best he is very controlling and the perfect him you are getting is just a performance. It's not realistic. At worst, he's probably gay. I have know men like this. One turned out to be gay. The other was very damaged and couldn't cope with emotional and physical intimacy. Both were kind and decent men. Both were very damaging boyfriends for me and made me very unhappy, not just the lack of sex but living with the disconnect of what seemed perfect except a feeling that something just wasn't right and driving myself mad because I was so in love and so wanted it to work.

What I have learned is this; if something feels off, it is. Don't try and fix it, accept it and move on because it absolutely will not change and if you stay you will be living with a bad feeling that you think you should ignore because he seems so perfect in other ways. If you go the route of trying to ignore the bad feeling you will be doing what a lot of women do which is internalising the problem and making yourself feel bad for feeling bad and then it becomes you that is the problem and that way sadness lies and over years it takes it's toll.

Perfect answer

Perfect answer

In your opinion.

I think this makes the whole thing worse.

Sorry.

He said that he is stressed with work... and then he said that he was aware that we may not be having as much sex as I would like!

But he's never talked about this to you before? Or even acknowledged the lack of sex?

Step back a bit. You're asking a supposedly red-blooded, healthy and fit man in his 30s to go and have blood tests for testosterone. Because YOU (not him) is worried about his low sex drive.

This is not how any relationship should be in your 30s .

He likes to have sex of at least 40 minutes or an hour.
Does any man really behave like that - say things like that?
His entire behaviour seems to revolve around perfectionism.
Perfect body, perfect flat, perfect fine dining experience.
Perfect sex- if only!

In the early days of my dating men they'd have had sex on the stairs or on the living room floor, they were so eager- and these men were much older than this man.

You've decided he is the perfect man to be a husband and father. And at 30-something you're clinging onto him.

This is not going to work out. The next thing he may have is 'performance' issues because you've already put pressure on him to have more sex.

I think you need to leave. It's going to be more of the same if you stay and your bio clock is ticking as you know. Don't waste more time!

I’m interested in whether he able to have spontaneous fun. Can he laugh at himself? What are his friends like? What are his family like? These things tell you a lot.

I couldn't think of anything worse then a 40 min to an hour sex performance and I have a active sex life!

I don't think you should suggest a blood test but he may want to explore therapy to understand that sex isn't about a performance or everything being perfect. He clearly has some low self esteem which is worth him addressing.

Reassure him you don't need 40 minutes every time sometimes spontaneous and quick can be amazing.

Don't be a sex pest about it by the sounds of it he seems to think he needs to be a certain way in a relationship long term that causes issues so it's worth addressing and him learning to let go of that side of things.

It's an interesting discussion, but really unpleasant how in many posts he is being assessed like a piece of meat to deliver sex and babies... and anything that might disrupt this expected pattern is considered a defect.

IME men who are not led by their dick are a rare find and worth hanging on to. But only if you respect and understand them as a complex and fully rounded human being, not a babymaking fuck-machine.

Ideally, I would like for him to have blood tests to see if he has low testosterone or something and maybe go to see a sex therapist

Can you imagine a man asking a woman for blood tests and a therapist because she didn’t want as much sex as him?

He is who he is, it either works for you or it doesn’t.

I think this is spot on OP. Over time staying in this situation is likely to make you extremely unhappy

Wanting sex to be perfect and seeing that as a long sex session of between 40 minutes to an hour, suggests to me that your boyfriend suffers from anxiety. He's regimented in his daily life, and sometimes that is due to anxiety. He uses the routine as a way to manage and control his anxiety. If you take away an aspect of his routine, he probably wouldn't cope.

Sex doesn't need to be a certain length or perfect. A quickie, can be just as good as a marathon session.

Every single time a man comes on here with this problem- it comes up very frequently and is much, much more commonly men - the advice is mostly around Peri/ menopause, blood tests/ HRT etc. Literally every single time.

I agree with this, apart from the sex pest bit. If you are in an intimate relationship you need to be fine discussing everything that goes with that. An hour long sex session sounds pretty full in and involved, which can be fine once in a while but where has this idea that this is the perfect idea of sex come from? A quickie can be bloody amazing. Everything OP has said sounds like it’s his way or the highway. It’s regimented and controlled. He definitely has some issues that will probably only get more pronounced over time so very important to keep an open line of communication and be prepared to have tricky conversations about what you want and need in the bedroom and him working towards loosening the fuck up. Sounds like there are other issues going on that no one on MN is qualified to give advice over.

@RoseKitten Overall, I am pleased with the chat.
What do others think?

I think he has offered explanations for his behaviour. What I don't hear from him is any route for that behaviour changing. I also hear that the explanations don't make sense - he is projecting his own feelings of bodily inadequacy onto the former girlfriend - he has no idea why she broke up with him. And the idea that there is a prescribed time frame for a sexual encounter is unusual at best.

What I hear from you is that you want him assessed medically and sent for therapy in order for him to change his personality to better meet your needs.

OP, there is nothing promising here, I'm afraid. As many PPs have said, probably from experience, you either accept people as they are or you let them go. Your needs are valid for you, his needs are valid for him. If they don't mesh, it's not a match.

The advice I’ve seen on this has been to be more proactive in household and family duties!

Yes in my opinion

God, this relationship seems like hard work.

Sex should be easy and flowing at this stage. But it's not, it's rationed and there are complex reasons behind it, apparently. And you're not happy with the nature of your sex life.

Do yourself a favour and pair up with someone who knows how to have fun.

What on earth is wrong with me querying the ' ooh he's gay' narrative too many posters are pushing?
Men are allowed not to be always up for it too. As for the 'real straight men want to have it on the stairs' YUK.

"really unpleasant how in many posts he is being assessed like a piece of meat to deliver sex and babies"

Yes, it's absolutely revolting. Talk about dehumanisation.

And he's so obviously NOT into having sex with OP that I cannot understand how she can want to keep having sex with him. He's clearly playing a role and miming passion. His heart is not into it.

And in any case, it's very obvious that he won't be able to keep this up in the long term. Unwanted sex is disgusting and has a serious psychological toll after a while.