Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

I’m not sure what your guy does for work OP but I am finding it tough to schedule in bedroom action as our work timetables clash. We can only really have intimate time on a mutual non-working day when we are both in our city.

We are both in stressful jobs and find it hard to wind down from work and have sex in the evening. It’s a weekend or day off activity for us.

I completely agree.....in the beginning most couples are like rabbits/can't keep their hands off each other/having sex every time they see each other....morning, noon and night 😜🤣

OP says it's about once every two weeks.

Biologically, both men and women at OP's age and stage of life have evolved to want lots of sex at the start of a relationship. His behaviour is unusual, especially given OP always initiates. I'm not saying it's abnormal, or wrong, but it is indeed unusual. It would be unfair to pressure him into more, equally OP is allowed to end the relationship over this.

It would also be fine to talk it through with each other - in a no pressure way. Communication is often at the heart of relationship issues of all kinds.

However I'm not sure you'll get an emotionally intelligent answer from this guy.

It might be that he is ND, could be hormone imbalance causing low sex drive, sadly could be due to trauma in childhood

OP, I think you can express yourself to him that you are feeling like there's not much sex in the relationship. And you could ask him if he'd consider getting his testosterone checked. Not because he will, but because I think his reaction would be interesting. Anyone who wants a life with you would be onboard with a simple blood test if he knew there was a mismatch in desire. Once every 5 dates when you're young, don't even live together, and have only been together a year is very much on the low side.

I also don't think you should sweep aside the steroid suggestion so readily. You don't live together and you have no idea what he may or may not be taking. He goes to the gym five times a week so is very much in the cohort that would be taking them. Apparently they can affect testosterone. He probably knows this and it might be another reason why he'd turn down a blood test for testosterone.

Don't ask me why, but I'm SURE he won't want a test.

Sex can really help you relax, though. You're doing it wrong! 🤣🤭

I completely agree with the PP comment. Why because it's a male is everyone jumping to being gay or abuse? There are plenty of women on here who talk about loving their partner but not having the highest sex drive.
I'd be more worried for you if it was infrequent and rubbish but rare and amazing is surely better than frequent and average / bad!
He sound like a kind, considerate, intelligent man with a full life who's being diminished to something completely different because of his sex drive?
Would I want to be in a completely sexless relationship? No. But would I see this as a much smaller issue if the man was so wonderful in all other areas, then yes. I think future you may regret it if you walk away tbh. Passion can fade (or grow) with time but it's so much more important that they are an amazing partner.

Second this ! With 5 kids ( shock horror) and multiple businesses it is my coping mechanism 😂

Happened to a friend. It wasn't until after they married that he finally realised he was gay.

I just think it's a recipe for being miserable in the long term. It's easy to think, oh it's one thing, he's great in so many ways, I can settle for this sexually.

But then if you want kids, either it's going to be a long journey or it's going to be scheduled & something he's doing like a chore.

And if you get pregnant, after your body goes through all those changes, he's not going to be the man to make you feel sexy and secure in that way, is he?

You say that nothing suggests that he's gay, however that's the first thing that most posters are saying so it definitely suggests that to nearly everyone else except you. Sorry you're in this situation. I think it's time to move on if you're clearly sexually incompatible.

Hmm I’m not sure about that my bloke takes them and is horny way too much because of them.

He sounds like he is on the autistic spectrum to me, this often results in a low sex drive due to sensory and other issues. ND people can be very high functioning and mask a lot.

You come across as incredibly insecure, OP. Whatever the cause of his low sex drive, it won't change. And I would be very careful about shacking up with a man like him long term. He sounds boring at best. But you don't think you can do better so you'll put up with it. Good luck.

I wonder if he may be gay and in denial?

If it was a woman saying she just wants sex every other week or so there would be much less assumptions. But heck a man saying this?? He must be gay.............lol

If you always initiate sex, what would happen if you didn’t? Would you never have sex? I would hate having to be the one initiating all the time..

Well yes, because we have completely different bodies and hormones. There's no point denying that.

That's not to say men can't have a low sex drive or there is something wrong with that.

But there's no point pretending men and women have the same bodies when they don't.

Congratulations Columbo !!!

This is why the boyfriend books her into regular spa and massage treat sessions - it is so that he can have a "gay day" where he knows his official GF will be occupied and having a nice time somewhere else.

An ex BF of mine used to occasionally book me those kind of treats (it would be twice a year, every 6 months) .... the rest of the time he wanted to be spending with me.

Your man is secretly gay / bisexual but not mature enough to admit it openly yet.

The fact that he has a gay cousin and a liberal family is irrelevant. Your BF wants the traditional hetero life, and social status that comes with that life - and having children.

His gay cousin knows he won't ever be fathering children (not unless he and his partner go thru the surrogacy option,). Biologically men can't have babies with other men - so they know that they will be biologically childless.

Your BF wants children. He's willing to keep up the hetero performance until he can put a ring on it and create a family.

You say there are no clues he is gay:
● excessive concern with his appearance
● gym dude (all to impress other men,)
● extremely well groomed
● likes things to be done a particular way
● books frequent spa and massage treatments for you
● is not sexually turned on by you
● only has sex with you 1 in 5 times that you see him (nearly once a fortnight)
● but is an excellent best friend, extremely caring and thoughtful
● sex is initiated by you (he will do straight sex when he has to the minimum amount he has to in order to keep the relationship)

Let me tell you about a gay / bi man I know in his late 50s ("John") :
● very masculine to look at (facial hair tattoos, muscles)
● acts straight hetero 99% of the time - he acts manly
● likes beer and beers / chilling with other straight guys
● lorry driver for a living
● extremely good with DIY and masculine tasks (lifting things, anything mechanical)
● married twice with 4 children

However the small / tiny signs that he's not completely straight emerge from:
● extremely clean and hygienic
● buys the best brand clothes and is very fussy about his appearance (in masculine looking clothes and jeans and tee shirts - but really good quality brands)
● frequently wears aftershave (Brut or Old Spice) - a very traditional older man's fragrance **

** it's not the brand of fragrance which gives away his sexuality - it is the fact that he wears it 4 or 5 days a week.

● he now has casual gay lovers - his preference is men 15 - 20 years younger than him

● when he is with a new "boyfriend" the BF gets invited to stay for several days (days and nights) at John's flat (John and the new BF go shopping together, do things together and spend several nights in a row together)

When John is with women (very rarely but he does still occasionally have bisexual desires) he behaves differently:
● he has occasional casual sex with a woman 2 or 3 times a year
● after he spends the night with the woman she leaves the following morning / John will be "gentlemanly" walking or driving her home
● but he never spends days and days with his casual female hook-ups ..... which he does with his boyfriends

^ How do I know all this? I lived in the same building as John for 3 years in neighbouring apartments. I became familiar with who his regular visitors were. He was also a good friend to me and helpful with DIY and "manly" tasks in the building.

The reason why John's 2 x marriages ended is his sexuality.

True Bisexuality with a preference for gay sex more often than straight sex is complex and difficult for other people to understand.

So I was telling DH about this thread and he said recently in the gym he overhead a group of men in 20s (super fit / muscular gym bros) discussing this; that the heavy lifting left them too physically exhausted to have sex, one of them saying girlfriend was complaining.

This is quite amusing.

So men who wear after shave and care about how they look are gay?

No shit Sherlock!

Not if you have had the displeasure of walking into a stuffy room full of someone else's sex smells. 😖

This whole thread has been mildly entertaining, but what stands out is that OP has looked at the search history on his computer and is able to detail all the things she finds odd or bothersome about this man. Caveating it with him being perfect in every other way, doesn't negate the fact that she should probably let this one go.

I am not in the he is gay camp. ND is more likely, which is supported by OP's feedback of his character and ways.

Regardless, fundamentally different sex drives and views towards it, won't suddenly fix itself. Whether man or woman, if one partner wants it more than the other, it is incumbent on the person with the higher sex drive to accept it or walk away.

I'm male and I recognise myself in a lot of the comments that have been made on this thread. Just like on this thread, I was often assumed to be gay. I've come to realise later in life that I am ND (mainly through having a child diagnosed as autistic).

My only advice would be to let him know how much you enjoy his company and how much you enjoy having sex with him, and that you'd love to have sex more often. Let him know about all those positive things you see in him.

I used to be quite stubbornly determined to avoid what I saw as the crass behaviour of the typical male, and not taking advantage of the opportunity to have sex would often feel like proof that I was different. Talk to him about it.

....yeah because biologically men usually want it waaaay more frequently (due to their testosterone levels)

First thought would be he's gay