Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

Obviously you need to speak to him about this because it isn’t going to work long term if one of you has a much higher sex drive, it’s a massive incompatibility.

I think he may be gay.

I would be worried here that this really is as good as it gets, there was never a can't keep your hands off each other, sex multiple times a day phase of the relationship. My further worry would be ttc, if he won't have sex at the necessary time it might not happen and if you think you are upset about things now......

Honestly? As someone much older than you who was in a sexless relationship for a number of years (but it did at least start off normally) I would advise you walk away if you want children and to feel desired.

Like he wants sex way more than any other man I’ve known and he admits steroids make him more horny.
Nope not a lesbian, quite happy with my man thank you.

Supraphysiological levels of androgens will give a man (or a woman) a higher sex drive.
They also disrupt the HPTA axis such that endogenous testosterone production is switched off. When the exogenous androgens are withdrawn it can take a while for natural test production to get going again, this is when sex drive tends to drop.

I showed DH the front page of this thread asked for his honest first thoughts.
He asked me: "what do women want really?" If it's really an issue, she should talk to him physically, hear his thoughts and watch his body language
He was bemused at the severe profiling going on in the comments.

@RoseKitten I haven't read the entire thread, - but I've read all of your posts, i.e. the most important information - so forgive me if I'm repeating what PPs have said.

He sounds really great, aside from that text saying "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you." And of course the wide gap between how often you and he want to have sex.

I don't think he's gay when he's so into your body when you do have sex, and so good at pleasuring you. 'Best sex' is very rare. A closet gay wouldn't be like this.

I don't think he's porn addled or addicted either, for the same reason.

So we're left with low sex drive. And he has actually told you he's not a 'f*boy', - to look elsewhere if that's what you want - so that is the most likely answer.

It's nevertheless still a very very unusual male stance. I could understand if he just wasn't that into sex, but he clearly is into it when he does decide he wants it.

I've had one boyfriend with sex keenness issues. It started off very keen, but even on day one I could sense he wasn't like other men, there was a holding back. I denied the intuition I had, because it was, actually, true love, and I thought we could overcome it. I also thought it was a good thing not to just be a woman he really wanted to fuck (as so often before).

Ultimately, this boyfriend reverted to a terror of intimacy. The door had opened because of us 'falling in love' but as that doesn't last forever, eventually his fear returned. I knew he actually felt uncomfortable touching my vulva/vagina.

Long story short, perhaps this is about intimacy.

And I think you simply have to bite the bullet and ask him about it, even if it ruins everything. You have to talk to him.

I'd be frequently checking in with him that he's actually genuinely content with that set-up.

My dsis had a similar arrangement with her DH for years and she was so very sure he was happy. Turns out he'd been unfaithful for years, thinking that could protect what he had at home and get his needs met elsewhere. Mismatched sex drives are very tricky to navigate.

Hey, everyone,

First, thank you all for your messages. They have been re-assuring, thought-provoking and even entertaining.

I spoke to him, and here are some of the things that were said:

• I said I had watched a documentary about steroid use among young men in gyms and asked him if he had ever been tempted to use them. He said he hadn't because a) it's never even crossed his mind, and b) the side effects don't outweigh any muscle gain: acne, hair loss, premature ageing. I believe him when he says he doesn't use them. He doesn't like taking medication unless he has to, so I cannot imagine him injecting anything.
• I said that we hadn't had much sex recently (I thought framing it in a milder way may yield a more open response). He said that he is stressed with work... and then he said that he was aware that we may not be having as much sex as I would like! I was quite surprised by this comment. He said that he wants every 'session' to be good, which to him means it should be at least 40 minutes and preferably an hour or more, and if he cannot 'deliver' that because he is too tired or not in the mood he avoids it.
• He also said that he goes to the gym because his previous girlfriend dumped him because of his appearance. Long story short: she had flown to her home country right before COVID lockdowns and then got stuck there. They were apart for months. When she came back, he had put on a bit of weight, and she ended the relationship. She never said that it was because of his appearance, but he is 'convinced' it was. He said she made him feel 'disgusting', and he never wants to feel that way again... I don't really know what to say to this.
• He said he was sorry that he had not addressed the lack of sex issue because he knew it was there, but he did not know how to talk about it.

Ideally, I would like for him to have blood tests to see if he has low testosterone or something and maybe go to see a sex therapist. I was surprised at how open he was and that he knew it was issue, and it took me back somewhat, so I thought I should not push anything straight away.

Overall, I am pleased with the chat.

What do others think?

Finally, to address one point that a few people made re: 'If he likes cleanliness and a regimen, he won't like having kids'. I must stress that he is so good with my nieces. I also thought that he wouldn't be good with the mess and chaos they bring, but he is. Okay, it's not the same as having kids with you 24/7, but as I say, he has cleared up their vomit before and takes them to sports events that they come back muddy from.

"He said that he wants every 'session' to be good, which to him means it should be at least 40 minutes and preferably an hour or more, and if he cannot 'deliver' that because he is too tired or not in the mood he avoids it."

I think this is quite sad. It seems that he might see sex as purely a performance to be rated on without taking into account the connection and intimacy side. A quickie on a lunch break, or sleepy morning sex for 15 mins, are as much about trust, playfulness, bonding and closeness as mutual pleasure and gratification. He has a lot of personal hangups, so perhaps a sex therapist might be useful.

I think he sounds like a decent bloke with an understandable but manageable level of insecurity that he has channelled healthily into a positive outcome.

Quality over quantity sounds good to me but maybe it doesn't suit you, OP, which is fair enough!

I am not sure I'd be pushing for a blood test, unless he feels there is something wrong with him.

He sounds very uptight. You either decide to work on loosening him up or walk away.

My first thought was also that he was gay. On second thoughts, is it possible that he is in some basic way anxious / uneasy about sex before marriage or sex before making a commitment to get married? Are his family religious? Or has he been badly hurt in the past? Maybe he’s trying to decide if you’re the one, and not all there until then. (I would still consider ending it now because that is controlling and imho narcissistic behaviour.)

The way he dealt with your questions I think shows there is a chance for this relationship to flourish

Tell him you want a messy, dirty quickie in the back of the car and watch him faint 😂.

@RoseKitten i think you’ve made your mind up to keep him, no matter all the issues with sex

I’d just say that this isn’t a great way to be so early on, bit obviously it’s your prerogative. In my view you’re likely to regret sweeping it under the carpet

Stop pressuring him & implying he needs medical intervention and therapy . You’re basically being a sex pest

Agree with this. Am I right that you’re having sex every 10 days or so? Can you imagine a man wanting to send his girlfriend for tests and therapy in the same situation? What would you say about that?

This whole thread is grim.

If this is okay for you, that’s all that matters.

He sounds generally very uptight. My gut feeling is that if you’re not entirely happy now, it’s only going to get worse, not better.

Sex in a loving, long term relationship should be a way to connect and bond with each other, a way to communicate and demonstrate your feelings. He seems very preoccupied with seeing it as some kind of performance. Wherever he’s picked this attitude up from, it doesn’t bode well for a healthy relationship. My advice would be at least live with him for a good while before you get married or start trying.
It also seems like you are very concerned with with whether he ticks off enough boxes on the “viable life partner” list. Forget this and what other people think and use your intuition. It’s telling you something or you wouldn’t be on here asking.

"I would like for him to have blood tests to see if he has low testosterone or something and maybe go to see a sex therapist."

Absolutely not! How repulsive.

He does NOT owe you sex.

You do NOT have the right to see him as defective and something you need to fix so that you can get your leg over.

If you do that, you're a bloody sex pest.

Pretty much 90% of the posts here have said that you should accept that the level of sex is what it is going to be. If you don't like it, END the relationship.

You do not have an insurmountable problem OP. Don't let people point problems where there is little or none.

Sex is HIGHLY IMPORTANT, but not all there is in a marriage relationship, in fact if there are other major issues, the sex would not matter anymore.

Take it one day at a time and don't let people tell you to dump him when you really do not have a reason to, if he's willing to fix things, why break it?. They won't come and give you the 1ce in 5 days sex nor cuddle you to bed.

I wouldn't bring up any ideas of blood tests or therapy on the basis of what you know so far. But I think you need to spend more sustained time together - (maybe a holiday?) - to see what happens when you are together 24hrs a day. His current ideas about performance don't seem compatible with a close long term relationship.

Your update sounds positive. I think he will need your continued support to feel safe, loosen up and be authentic with you because he does sound like he is quite uptight. Given he had a difficult childhood that's probably not surprising. He needs to set the pace on this though and given you are very satisfied with the relationship, apart from the frequency of sex, I don't see why you shouldn't be happy together if you can keep up this open communication. Ignore the people calling you a sex pest, particularly since he has acknowledged his lower sex drive. Getting his testosterone levels checked is sensible. Either it's low and treatable or it might be linked to his perfectionist/slightly rigid nature. He sounds like a nice guy and providing he remains emotionally open and continues to cherish you he could easily shed some of that rigidity as you grow together. Probably prudent to hold off on babies and marriage until you can see that happening but I wouldn't be binning him given he hasn't gaslit you about anything you've brought up with him.

I just want to add in response to people saying don’t ask for blood tests, don’t pester him etc., if you are both in your thirties and want kids, 2 or 3 times a month is probably not going to be enough. There is that aspect of it too. You both need to be on the same page and realistic about what it takes to ttc.

This is my thinking as well. Assuming he is telling the truth, he has a very messed up idea of sex. He has made up this idea on what good sex is and he has to perform to those standards or otherwise it is supbar. He doesn't view it as a fun, relaxed, enjoyable, intiate, no big deal activity that is part of relationship.

Where does his idea that sex has to last for an hour come from?

He is convinced that his gf left him cause he gained weight and his solution is to go to the gym 5 times a week? That and his rule about hour long sex sessions makes me think that he has some hang ups he needs to sort out.

He said that he wants every 'session' to be good, which to him means it should be at least 40 minutes and preferably an hour or more, and if he cannot 'deliver' that because he is too tired or not in the mood he avoids it.

Do you consider that sex that lasts 40-60 mins is the only kind of sex worth having? He sounds like he wants to get a timer out and have score cards at the end.

Lengthy (😅) doesn't equal great sex. Sometimes a quickie is nice, sometimes a lazy one just feels good. It doesn't all have to be the bedroom Olympics as long as you're having fun.

Is that how you want your sexlife to look?