Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

A bit more than a year

OP, my ex was the same. Ideal husband, we got on really well, never argued, stress-free relationship, very affectionate - but he rarely wanted sex and never initiated. Soul destroying and so bad for your self esteem. I spent most of my twenties and thirties living a fairly miserable existence. We were like friends living together with no intimacy and no prospect of having kids. Eventually the resentment takes its toll on the relationship. I should have left years before I did. Sex is really important in a partnership, especially in the early days. For whatever reason, he’s just not that interested in sex. This probably isn’t going to change and it will wear you down eventually.

Same for me. I initiated sex to get dcs. Luckily I was very fertile (I did have a mc) and got dcs but honestly it was pretty miraculous. I'm sorry you didn't. Did you with anyone else?

Sorry to derail @RoseKitten

@SadSaq Happily, yes! Had kids with someone else 😊

That's great news 😀

Just to address some points that many posters have made in one place:

• He and his family are pretty liberal. He has a cousin who is gay. There is no need for him not to have "come out" by now if he were gay. That's why I don't think this is the issue.
• I went onto DeadBedrooms Reddit before, and many of the people in there say that when they have sex, is bad because the other person is lazy, selfish etc. When my boyfriend and I do have sex, it's incredible. He always makes sure I am satisfied.
• My biggest fear is that I will never find another man like him again. He is reliable, kind, very caring, protective. These men do not grow on trees.
• He also wants children.

Some people just have a low sex drive. Usually women but sometimes men. My man is much the same unfortunately, but we're older so it doesn't matter quite so much.

You sound convinced to stick with him and defend the status quo, regardless of what anyone says, so best of luck OP! I hope he comes to party sexually for you in time 🙂

Just wondering whether it’s more along the lines of mismatched sex drives or his sexual interests lie elsewhere.

How often are you having sex?

Outside of the bedroom, do you feel he finds you desirable in general?

Whatever the cause, this is not going to end well OP. If you marry this man it will eat you up from the inside, because he's not going to change.

Better to leave now and save yourself years of pain. Life can be cruel sometimes. 🌹

How often does he actually try to initiate sex?

It seems like you're justifying staying with him despite being unhappy about the sex, which is understandable but rarely works out well long term.

If you discuss the issue with him, I'd suggest asking him: why he thinks that desiring sex in a committed, loving relationship would make him a 'fuckboy', why he thinks 'massages are for you and only you', and why he seems like he wants to avoid being in private spaces with you, as well as questioning any other odd things he may have said, with a view to understanding his perspective.

I'd ask why he thinks he has a low sex drive, and whether indeed he accepts that it is low compared to other men his age. Really though, it doesn't sound like he would be honest with you if he has a deeply rooted issue that's resulted in this.

(Also, I have to say it's odd that he books so many spa treatments for you, unless you've told him that you particularly love them.)

Maybe thats the clue. Maybe he rations it to keep you wanting more. Maybe he thinks you will get bored if you do it too much and maybe his ego needs him to think he's a god in bed....especially if you've had lots of lovers before.

I wondered from the massage comment if he has been abused. It can make men very uncomfortable about their own sexuality and sex drive. It could be why he puts such a high value on treating you well - the emotional connection is what constitutes a real relationship to him, whereas sex could be problematic. It could explain why he doesn't want strangers touching his body.
He might not even know this is the reason. It can be buried deep.

Ridiculous response. He sounds turned off by sex completely not porn addled. Not all men are obsessed with porn.

OP I am afraid this is a very bad sign for the relationship. He is telling you that sex isn't very important to him and he doesn't see why it matters to you either.

How often are we talking? Once a week? A month? Does he ever initiate?

eta, sorry, I see you said he rarely initiates.

My thoughts too.

I don't think you have actually said how frequently. ExH was strictly once a week, Saturday morning before football. He wasn't gay, a porn user, bad in bed etc, he was also good with physical affection. I'd have liked more but 🤷 not everyone is in the same page hormonally.

If he hardly ever wants sex then he’s not ‘wonderful’ is he?

At this honeymoon stage he should not want to take his hands off you.

And the message about ‘if you want a fuck boy’ is pure gaslighting btw.

Have you talked to him?

This!

Be direct, tell him what your needs are. For whatever reason he is not being fair. Personally, l would be long gone by now.

How often are you having sex? How often do you want it?

He is not the one for you. It doesn’t even sound like you know the real him. All this booking spas and going out sounds like an act. You really get to know someone in the minutiae of the everyday mundanity and he is keeping you at arm’s length from that.

You have fallen for an idealised image of a person. Do not marry him, you will be miserable!

My husband sounds very like your boyfriend. He is kind, thoughtful, tactile, and gorgeous. But he is not a sexual being. It’s very good indeed when we do, but I guess it’s a once a month or less occurrence. Sometimes we’ll go 3 months, sometimes there’s a little flurry. As for others saying it’s a red flag that he sniped about being a fuck boy I guess it’s feasible he was on the defensive there. It’s very unlikely this is the first time he’s had to defend his lower libido. I also don’t believe he’s gay, but I think there’s a good chance he’s asexual. He will not change. The qualities my husband had and our dynamic made it very easy for me to live with the mismatch, but you do need to ask yourself whether or not you can. If you can’t let him go. It’s not fair on either of you if you can’t. Good luck to you both.

• My biggest fear is that I will never find another man like him again. He is reliable, kind, very caring, protective. These men do not grow on trees.
• He also wants children.

My first thought when reading your post was that he’s gay - sorry. His whole gym schedule reminded me of a gay friend. Maybe he wants children hence the relationship with you. Don’t let his good qualities blind you to the real him. You say there’s no evidence he’s gay. Sometimes there isn’t. Sex can be quick and unattached, eg at the gym or elsewhere.

You need to talk to him - then judge the truth in what he says.