Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

Frogmarching is physical force. What OP is doing is coercion, which is using threats, pressure, or intimidation to compel someone to act against their will. Coercion is particularly bad when it comes to sex, because coerced sex violates bodily autonomy.

There have been suggestions here and there in this thread that communication is needed in libido-mismatch cases. I think in cases where the partners had well-matched libidos initially and then things changed over the course of a loving relationship, gentle non-aggressive respectful communication can be considered. But if the mismatch persists, the higher-libido partner has to accept it. At that point, they have the choice to stay or leave. It is not ethical to become grumpy, punishing, sulky, cold, argumentative, stubbornly "communicating" what has already been heard to the point that the lower-libido partner feels compelled to have sex just to keep the peace. That is unwanted consensual sex, which over time can result in the same psychological damage as coercive rape. It's also THE way to permanently kill what remains of the sexual desire of the lower-libido partner.

In any case, this thread is about a relationship that seems to be only a few months old. This relationship has STARTED out as a significant libido mismatch. They're practically strangers and she's already painting him as defective and wanting him to undergo medical treatment so that he performs sufficiently for her. It's not just unethical, it seems pointless. She should be with him because of who he is. Forcing him to play a role will only give her what she wants for a short period.

This relationship is dead in the water imv.

I don't really understand how asking in an anonymous forum whether she should even discuss the possibly of therapy with him = coercion (i think the therapy suggestion is a bad idea, but that's a separate issue).

I think that's quite the leap, which cheapens the word and concept of coercion.

I agree that the relationship doesn't sound like it has legs because they're too different, and that trying to change a partner fundamentally is a crappy thing to do which rarely works.

But surely there's a sliding scale from 'frogmarching your partner to a therapist to change
them' at one end, and 'suddenly breaking up with them with no discussion' at the other? Surely there is some middle ground where relationship unhappiness can be discussed like adults, and both partners get to decide whether or not / under what circumstances they want to stay/ leave? We all make compromises and do things for our partners which left to our own devices we probably wouldn't. Would you call that coercion?

The version you describe sounds very infantilising - the guy doesn't even get to decide for himself if this is a situation he wants to be in, OP just decides for him and never even tells him why. I would imagine that would be psychologically and emotionally very difficult to get over - being dumped and never knowing why.

"But surely there's a sliding scale from 'frogmarching your partner to a therapist to change
them' at one end, and 'suddenly breaking up with them with no discussion' at the other? Surely there is some middle ground where relationship unhappiness can be discussed like adults, and both partners get to decide whether or not / under what circumstances they want to stay/ leave? We all make compromises and do things for our partners which left to our own devices we probably wouldn't. Would you call that coercion?

The version you describe sounds very infantilising - the guy doesn't even get to decide for himself if this is a situation he wants to be in, OP just decides for him and never even tells him why. I would imagine that would be psychologically and emotionally very difficult to get over - being dumped and never knowing why."

This post conflates two different situations. The first paragraph is true for a loving relationship with partners who were once libido-matched. A sliding scale does pertain to this, and both parties have to decide where on that sliding scale their marker of tolerance stops. One compromises and has sex they don't want, which is an invasion of their body. The other compromises and doesn't have sex that they want, which hurts their feelings and/or prevents them from purging their sexual energy. Both suffer, but the weight of the suffering is likely deeper for the former, because their physical autonomy is being breached repeatedly. In any case, where the marker of tolerance lies will vary for individuals in these scenarios and if the markers are far apart, things won't work out.

The second paragraph relates to the situation we're seeing in this thread. OP is dating this man. Dating is a period of checking compatibility. If someone is not compatible, it's not their fault. You don't need to rub in that they're not fucking you enough, or that you don't like the wart on their ear, or that their penis is too small/big for you, or their breath smells. I suspect most women wouldn't want to know the real reasons why a guy doesn't continue dating them. Who wants to hear that they're not pretty enough, or too chubby, or not smart enough, or too flappy down below? So it's not infantilising to not tell the brutal truth, it's doing to others what you would want done to you.

To be clear, I was not talking about having sex you don't want. I was talking more generally about all the myriad compromises that make up most relationships. There are a thousand different axes along which you are likely to differ from your partner and about which either compromises need to be made, or a break up needs to happen.

I agree, saying you don't find x or y physical attributes attractive about a partner is brutal, but that's not what I said. You're conflating physical attributes with the sex frequency issue which is a different thing. Saying you need more sex than your partner is way different to saying you find their body repulsive.

Personally, if I was in what I thought was a really good relationship and the guy suddenly ended it apparently over nothing, I'd be gutted. I'd much prefer he attempted a conservation about whatever his reservations were. How he eg loved sex with me and would it be possible to have more of it! This is not coercion, it's honesty and information. I could then decide freely what I wanted to do about that, whether something was getting in the way of sex for me (eg stress, tiredness, whatever). Or whether I was happy with it and did not need or want more. I could then decide what to do accordingly.

Only if he tried to threaten me with leaving etc or kept on and on about it would that be coercion.

People aren't stupid, they know when they're being bullshitted and dumped with a made up reason - it never rings true and it's a cowards way out.

Your posts come across as a bit disgusted by sex - it's all crude terms like 'dick' and 'fucking' which seem aimed to shame the OP. To most adults it's a normal part of a healthy relationship, and it's ok to want it.

Absolutely and especially your last paragraph 👏🏻

The guy has already reacted badly to being dumped once, developing an extreme gym habit.

What's your point?

It would be a bit mean to do it again without at least talking to the guy

Hi OP,

Male perspective here. I'm a married dad of two and have never had a high sex drive. I've had one night stands e.t.c. but generally found it easier to get to that point than being sure what I want when I got there if that makes sense!

I'd just like to add to all the posters jumping to the conclusion that he's gay or porn addled that they are way too quick to judge. Sex, for me at least, is very psychological and in my case I was brought up with a lot of guilt from supposedly liberal parents.

You've been very balanced in your approach so far (including responses on this thread) but it is still an issue for you. As others have said, and as a man 20 years into a relationship, your sex life will probably decrease as you get further on in your years and your relationship.

If he wants kids and you do, this is a fantastic thing in common! IME women lose sex drive post-kids (too tired e.t.c.) so you may well get more "matched" in that regard...

You come across on this thread as emotionally intelligent. The frequency of sex sounds sufficient to me and in line with stats quoted previously in the thread. I guess my point is, why focus on this issue? Why not ask the question are you moving in together? Will he propose e.t.c.?

Good luck, you sound like a cool person!

I think you just need to invest in some decent padded shorts and a cut out saddle @Mtbdadder 😉

Will that make me last longer 😉

Don't feed the trolls