Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

Yes of course. ....it's only your own sex smells are acceptable...... couldn't hack anyone else's 🤢
Also yes I agree if sex drives are mismatched it's a non starter.....

This thread should be frozen in time and linked to whenever anyone posts on mumsnet about their husbands / partners "pestering them" for sex and how awful they are for not respecting their issues or asking for a divorce (peri / tired / kids / depressed / naturally low libido).

Just as a reminder that the problem is, in fact, that they themselves are actually a lesbian.

Alongside a link on every thread where their husband / partner is dirty, lazy, poor at planning, fat, unfit and unhealthy with poor eating habits and personal hygiene.

Just as a reminder that they are actually very lucky because if, in fact, the man was not showing all of those traits he would in all likelihood be gay.

What do you mean horny way too much?

Did you know you are a lesbian or are you just realising this now?

That explains the five kids then 🤣 🤩 🌞

Yes indeed. The misandry is appalling. It's actually quite depressing to see what a two-dimensional view so many women have of men. And how trapped we seem to be in the modern narrative that if you're not supersexy you might as well roll over and die.

The point is that the OP isn’t happy with the amount of sex

Not hating on men

Yes, that's the point of the OP's thread, but it has veered off in all sorts of very revealing directions! 😖

I agree that desirable people can be single at 30 for several reasons, but in this case we are talking about a very attractive man who is also kind and charming and as far as we know has no serious health problems and no baggage which might make a new relationship difficult. As you say, they do not grow on trees. His lack of interest in sex and apparent inability to take seriously how much many women would mind only having occasional sex, suggests that this is the reason for his single status.

@RoseKitten This is what I was saying.

Yes, people can be attractive yet single in their 30s. Quite easily.
BUT they can also be single for a reason that is a common denominator in their relationships.

How much do you know about his former relationships?

It would be interesting to know who walked away and after how long.

A year is quite a long time to date someone you're not happy with on the sex front. My guess is you are not alone in wanting to hang onto him for some reasons, but leave for others.

Have you talked to him about this?

You seem to think this is a wonderful relationship but what comes over is there is no deep emotional connection where you can talk about this problem you have.

Exactly. Some women have a very high sex drive, but it's not as common for young women to want very frequent sex as it is for young men to want it. All that testosterone...

This is ridiculous and does a disservice to men. Some people just have low sex drives and there’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t mean he’s gay, neurodiverse, a porn addict or a psychopath. But the only way you’ll ever find out is by asking him and having an open conversation.

Agree this is answer- regardless of gay/ND/phobias/too tired from the gym or work…different sex drives might be too difficult to cope with long term.

"Lack of interest in sex"

FFS read the thread people. The OP has clarified that she sees him 3-4 times a week on average and they have sex, on average, about 1 in 5 times. So every 10 days or so.

How much more often than that do the people on this thread, confidently theorising about the likely reasons for his EXTRAORDINARILY! low sex drive, have sex?

And if you don't - say you only want it every couple of weeks or so - would you consider it reasonable for your husband or boyfriend to start a thread online about how completely, hopelessly frigid you are, and for random strangers who have never met you to come up with all these reasons for your disorder?

They've only been together about a year and don't live together - I'd expect to be having sex most dates at that stage.

Heck me and my bf are twenty years older and been seeing each other longer and we do it much more. 🤣

Once a fortnight is more like long-term married couple sex, not courting couple.

This is quite a new relationship and OP is disappointed and disturbed about the infrequency of their sex life. Maybe it has been disturbing to previous partners too. I don't see lots if people calling him hopelessly frigid or insulting him in any way. Read the thread!

Historically, girls were taught that “naice” girls don’t do that sort of thing and sex was something you gave to a man, perhaps with reluctance. Women risked pregnancy and many men could not pinpoint a clitoris on a medical drawing.

The upshot was that this created the myth that woman had lower sex drives. It is just a case that women had more to lose.

Err together 14 years. Sex once a quarter! I’m delighted with the setup, husband is not.

40 something F here, sexually active since 15. I wouldn’t remain in a situation like that. I would miss the passion too much.

Each to their own! No rule book for anyone to follow as long as you’re happy.

There’s no rule book, true, but you previously suggested that your husband wasn’t happy.

Yes.

But that's the point, OP isn't happy with it. I don't think she should be encouraged to disregard a major incompatibility.

But we’re still together so he’s happy to accept and respect that this is the way I am. Sex is only one aspect of a relationship.

Don't you feel weird about being "delighted with the setup" when your dh isn't?

Posters are suggesting what MIGHT be the problem because OP thinks it a problem.
These are obviously just suggestions and are based on all of the information given, not just how frequently he wants to have sex. Such as him never initiating and the whole “fuck boy” comment.
Of course it’s not “rapey” to have an honest discussion about their sex life before they make a big commitment like marriage or having kids. It’s just common sense.

No I don’t feel weird. It’s not new, he’s never known me to be different.