husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I couldn’t see your original thread, but I promise you it does get better.

Try to focus on what’s actually in your control, rather than what isn’t (because thinking about what you can’t control will drive you mad). You can’t make your ex behave decently or take your feelings into account, they should, of course, but if they’ve left in this way, it’s unlikely they will. What you can do is take back your own narrative.

There will be things lots of things that turn out to be better than you expect, even if you can’t see that right now.

I was terrified of having to leave my house and end up in a flat (goodness knows why!). It was one of the reasons I stayed longer than I should have. In the end, because he made things so difficult, that’s exactly what happened I moved into a little two-bed flat with my DD and our two dogs. And honestly? It was one of the happiest times of my life. Sitting on the sofa together watching films, that cosy feeling of it being our space… I’ll always look back on it fondly.

I’d never really felt in control with my ex, so on day one I went out and bought eleven scatter cushions because he hated them! Little victories matter.
Sometimes the things we fear most actually turn out to be the making of us.
Look after yourself. Make some small plans. And it might help to write down all the things that weren’t right in the relationship because I can pretty much guarantee there will be plenty.

Be kind to yourself. You will get through this, and you might even find something unexpectedly good on the other side.
Lots of love xx

Great post, @Angrybird76 - change is so scary, especially facing it on your own. I hated "losing" my home (my parents gifted me some money and I had a huge work bonus that paid for the deposit); I hung on much longer than I should have - he didn't care about the repairs it needed and I must have spent thousands on trying to maintain it on my own on my single salary. The absolute grief I felt when it sold was awful. Within 6 months I had my own small house in a great village that I could decorate to my tastes, that I could furnish how I wanted, garden to suit me and my needs. It's been just an awful time but I feel - I guess the words I'd use are content, settled, secure - this is mine and mine alone. Only way is UP, OP x

But it's just a distraction until the novelty wears off. They dont sort out their own problems. They just hop from one woman ro another buying themselves a bit of time before all the old difficulties start popping up again. Thats why so many second, third, fourth marriages fail..

there was lots wrong and i can see that more clearly now, I hung on as I truly loved him but we both behaved badly at times , I can admit that and did own things at the time. However now he is twisting the story and making out I am the bad guy, telling half truths and playing the victim very well. I have said little to anyone about things he did as I don’t see the point now and don’t want to draw people in to take sides, or drag my kids through more. They are hearing what he is saying, the thing is they lived here , they see things , they know the real truth really more than these people who are now gossiping around me.

OP just ignore gossip and keep your dignity. He left you and the children for someone else so will look bad to others and is now trying to justify his behaviour. You and the children know the truth it is nobody else's business. Take care

When i left an Ex many years ago I really struggled with his interpretation of why we split up. Like you I was portrayed as the bad guy. We had a shared friendship group and it felt like he was determined to get everyone to think badly of me. The difficulty was that when friends reported back the things he had said, I couldn't confront him because I worried about the impact that it would have on the children. Plus I was exhausted and just didn't want to argue anymore. I had left him and lost everything because of constant conflict, so I didn't see the point in carrying that on. In the end I told my friends how them reporting back was affecting me and how I couldn't do anything with the information that they gave me other than feel angry. I asked them to stop telling me and said that I didnt want to know. That really helped and from then on, apart from a couple of close friends, I didnt engage in conversations with anyone about why we split up. It was the best thing I did for my own mental health.

It can be really hard and quite galling when you can't refute things or reveal truths in an attempt to.kerp.your children out of it.

I struggled for a long time with the idea that my exH had "got away with it" because there is so much family/friends/our children don't know about what actually went on.

But I realised feeling like that was pointless and it only affected me so I just had to let it go.
I had to let it go with him too so that we could cooperate and co parent effectively.

There are many things in my life I am not proud of but keeping my dignity in the outside world regarding my marriage split is one thing I am.

It took me a while to get to that stage though and I don't think I was as strong as you sound in those early weeks & months.

I agree and also feel proud of how i handled it. I kept faith that those that know me and care would see through the lies and that when my children were older that they would also realise that what tgey had led to velieve by him was just vitriolic nonsense. Im happy to say thats exactly what happened.

its hard as he has already painted his picture, with people i need to cross paths with regularly. He has also put his kids albeit adults in difficult positions. I will keep quiet and won’t share my version as people will believe what they want anyway. There is a lot I could tell, people should not always judge a book by its cover !! I won’t as my true friends know the truth as do my children, I own my mistakes . If it makes it easier for him to blame me for it all, then I have to let him get on with it. -It doesn’t make it any easier though and this has set me back massively.

OP he will know he is lying about you so won't have peace of mind. Do you live in a small village?

not small village but area where lots people cross over and I will see these people in various situations including some in professional capacity. My friends are saying just ignore and anyone who just takes one side of a story and believes it all , aren’t worth worrying about. My friends have had more of the story including my failings and mess ups, but actually not whole story on him, just parts as I didn’t want to frame him as the villian in all of this and force people to feel they have to take sides.

Remember "them that minds don't matter and them that matters don't mind". The people who truly love and value you will know the truth. And the people who prefer to gossip and believe tittle-tattle aren't worth having in your life. Hold your head high and live your life. And if anyone should be so bold as to actually ask or say anything to you, just give a small wry smile and say "Recollections may vary" and shut the conversation down.

I have found out, over my long lifetime, that the truth usually has a way of coming out in the end. There will either come a time when you will be able to speak your truth (and you'll know it if that time comes) or he will prove through his own behaviour what a lying prick he is.

One saying that I quite like and try to remember at times like this is...what other people think about me is none of my business 😂

thanks , I know I need to try and ignore but its hard. I know I am not perfect and made mistakes to and I am learning from that, taking time, getting therapy. Accepting that I contributed to certain dynamics at time. But I also know what i endured, what i accepted as normal, what I excused and shouldn’t have and how hard I tried. Yet i don’t feel the need to share this with anyone, counsellors and close friends at most, not even kids know all of it and they don’t need to. They know enough and now feel they have to defend me, which just isn’t right . I want them to have a relationship with both of us long term and not drawn in more than they are already into further conflicts and he said/ she said etc

1. stop saying you made mistakes. We all do. You are human.
2. if I remember he didn’t have any friends so if he is trying to ‘recruit’ some by being mean about you then he’s one sad bastard. Nobody who is happy with their life behaves like that.
3. mature people aren’t interested in a marriage breakdown if it’s not a close friend or loved one. And any many who jumps ship and then ‘blames’ his wife isn’t as popular as he thinks.
4. there is a thread on here at the moment about daft things exes have done. One poster had a husband who had not one interest in fashion, ran off with OW, and turned up at a family party in some sort of ensemble covered in the Louis Vuitton logo. Enough said.
5. your children aren’t kids. They saw how their father has treated you and what he’s doing now. Let them choose their relationship with him. You don’t have to champion him in any way, he’s behaved appallingly.

Agreed. Let his actions do the talking for you. People will work the rest out themselves.

Exactly
My kids love their dad and do have an ok (not close) relationship with him but they describe him as selfish and uncommunicative.
Which he is.

I didn't have to tell them that, they worked it out for themselves.

@beingtakenforafool

I know I am not perfect and made mistakes to and I am learning from that, taking time, getting therapy. Accepting that I contributed to certain dynamics at time.

As @ThisJadeBear said, you are not perfect and we all make mistakes. I'm certainly no saint. But I will say this, most of the 'mistakes' I made in my marriage were more 'reactive' than 'proactive' mistakes. Things I did/didn't do in reaction to things he did or things I did/didn't do out of fear of what he would do. So if you must accept that you contributed to dynamics, be sure you're only take the appropriate slice of that 'pie'.

not even kids know all of it and they don’t need to.

I agree. But if they ask questions that means they are ready for the answers, so be honest with them if they do.

I want them to have a relationship with both of us long term

Why? I mean, you should certainly want them to have a relationship with you, but their relationship or lack of relationship with him is not your concern. As adults, they are capable of making those decisions completely by and for themselves. My adult sons have chosen on their own to cut their father off completely. I neither encouraged nor discouraged it. Their lives, their decision, not my business.

latest is he hasn’t been happy for years , not months but years. Does he not realise that makes him an even bugger liar as everything he has said over the years or when we have discussed things including being happy, wanting to be together rtc he has lied . stole years from me as well as I deserved to be with someone wihi cared about me . Why not leave before , like he was just waiting for someone to come along before he could go. Don’t think I will ever trust anyone again. On plus side I am doing a lot more for myself, having a little break away soon , and haven’t had to run into someone elses arms as I can’t be woth myself for a bit. She think dshe has got some prize but really she hasn’t and she won’t know if he is ever telling her the truth, as he proved he can lie & pretend.

Its just more lies.

He was happy, he was very happy, in all of those "miserable" years. Its just that he cannot square him being a "good man" (in his head) with what he has done, so he has to rewrite history to make it justifiable.

What a fucking wanker. They all think that they are being oh so original, but there is a reason its called The Script!

@beingtakenforafool

I agree 100% with @PyongyangKipperbang . He hasn't been 'unhappy for years' at all. He's had his head turned and needs to justify himself to himself. And to the people who will condemn him for being a cheat. He knows exactly what he's done to you and to DC. He has to turn himself in to the victim, the coward, because he can't face his own guilt.

You stand tall, lovely, you are not to blame for his behaviour. Not at all. And good for you for starting to do things for yourself and to form your own life. That's the way forward!

its just more hurt, like he hasn’t done enough already.He has moved on why can ‘t he just leave me alone now, telling anyone who will listen how unhappy he was and all blame on me and making up some total lies. just get on with his life and leave me to get on with mine is all I want from him now. He also isn’t doing himself any favours with his children. All he is doing is pushing us closer together and him further apart from them. I just want him out of my life now and a divorce cannot come soon enough. One thing you do learn as well though is who your friends are. People def take sides even those who don’t need to , but would rather be surrounded by genuine people, who will always have. my back.

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My STBXH is on a massive smear campaign. Exactly the same - twisting things to paint himself as the victim. Taking nuggets of truth and then spinning a false narrative around them to make my infrequent moments of reaction sound like a pattern of poor behaviour. Missing out the significantly worse and way more frequent times he behaved appallingly. I’ve lost friends because of it. I haven’t shared the worst of his behaviours with anyone bar my very closest people - I don’t want his reputation damaged for DCs sake and because he’s self employed, apart from anything. And the people that know me well know my heart.

But god it’s hard isn’t it. I want to take out a middle page spread in the local newsletter and let people know the truth about this lovely, kind hearted, empathic man that has been so badly treated. No one would ever guess what he can be like behind closed doors. It sucks.

But you are right. If they need us to be the villain of the piece then let them. It’s to protect their very fragile ego and insecurity. They aren’t confident in themselves enough to say ‘I did wrong’ and it’s pathetic.

I know , its so hard isn’t it. sounds so similar, why can’t they just move on and accept some blame. Yes part of me wants to shout my truth but it’s pointless and some of those who want to surround him and become part of his pity party, aren’t the sort I want in my life. Mutual friends I have made a big point of saying I don’t expect them to take sides ( despite many knowing about other woman- not even from me) and I have not said anything bad about him, I don’t think people need to be stuck in middle and should treat us how they find us and how we treat them etc. Deep down though I am struggling with this, thankfully in counselling myself so hopefully can work through this.

Honestly, the people you ‘lose’ through this situation aren’t worth keeping.
It is a real lesson in life to make and keep your own friends outside of a relationship.
If any man bad-mouthed his wife to me I wouldn’t listen, even if he was my friend.
Anyone who circles their wagons for support like that is a pathetic excuse of a man. If he was happy with his new ‘situation’ he wouldn’t need to say one bad word about you.
You will get through it, and when you have just a few solid friends of your own you don’t really need more than that.