husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

I’m just popping on to say OP that my ex husband left after nearly 20 years together also completely out of the blue - just upped and left no warning, no arguments in the lead up to it - we were making plans for the future (so I thought!) etc - our children were much younger though - twins were just babies. He just said for about 6 months he’d realised that actually family life wasn’t for him. I know for a fact there wasn’t another woman at the Time as some of the things he said as reasons for leaving were very specific about the children and no one in their right mind (or wrong one!) would lie about that to cover up an affair. so it can and does happen that they just wake up one day and think “actually this life/marriage isn’t for me” .

It doesn’t make it any less shit that there isn’t someone who has turned his head. In fact I think it’s probably worse - that your marriage was dying a slow death and you knew nothing about it. That they’d already made their decision and nothing you can say would change it. They were just waiting for the “right” moment to say they were off

It’s taken a good couple of years for me to go through the stages of anger and grief - the best way to describe how I dealt with it was imagining he was dead - and in a way he is. The man I married doesn’t exist anymore - this “new” him isn’t him. And once you have grieved for that person and for the life you thought you were planning together it does get easier x

It's 14 years for me, photo's have been in a box (several boxes, actually); this week only I've gone through a bit and ripped up some old photos of just him without a second thought or any remorse - no emotion at all. Any with our son in I've put in a separate place for him for the future, including a couple of us (his Mum & Dad) as a couple as a reminder we weren't always the people who actively dislike each other (his affair finished the 23 year marriage). I'm not on a mission to bin them, I'm doing a clear out of a load of old stuff bit by bit. Give it time, wait until you're ready.

Hope you are doing OK x

I’m really sorry for what he’s putting you thru.
It hurts like nothing else.
I will bet my life that he has another woman.

well as expected more evidence has come out pointing towards another women, won’t put what as maybe outing. explains a lot and i knew my gut was right, when you have been with someone that long , you know their patterns and behaviours so even little signs make you wary and you just have that sense. She is welcome to him know and what a basis to make a relationship on , how will they ever have trust in their relationship. Adult DC are fuming and at moment don’t want to speak to him, I expect that will change with time, and I have reiterated he is still their dad and they don’t need to take sides., but they are also disappointed as he blatantly lied to them when they asked him to be honest weeks ago. These things always have a way of coming out of the woodwork eventually, would have had more respect for him if he could have just been honest weeks ago, or ideally left before he got involved with another woman. I was just picking up and now I am back down again.

So sorry you are again in a state of turmoil.
I think that 90% of cases where a long marriage/ relationship ends like this there is an OW or an OM, but of course they have to save face and often deflect the blame for the breakdown.
Do look after yourself, at least you now know the real reason for him going, don't beat yourself up over it, find your anger x

There's always an OW. Men in their 50s don't blow up comfortable lives with their wives and DC for anything else. It is a midlife crisis.
Be glad that you know now, and that you weren't actually going mad. My ex-H would never admit to it, and I never could find evidence- except for the fact that he ticked every single box on the "is your DH having an affair?" checklist and then left me (along with following The Script.) I really did feel I was going crazy. I'm 3 years on now and I just don't care whether he was or wasn't.
Good luck OP, you will be fine. Keep looking after yourself and your DC. Just make sure you get what you deserve in the divorce - and don't listen to people saying you can't get CM for kids over 18 or that you can't get spousal maintenance. I got both - CM until youngest DC leaves tertiary education and SM for 12 years as a capitalised lump sum x

thats the biggest thing I was doubting my own mind, but turns out all my instincts were correct. I have sought legal advice and stand a good chance of getting spousal maintenance for a short time, something he won’t have even thought about , I have been getting my ducks in a row. Strangely I feel calmer as I guess I am no longer second guessing myself, and I know now its 100% over where as if I am honest before i was holding onto a small chance the man I married might come back. Now I move on with Dc , a team of 3 who
will get me through this , I know it will take time
still , and will be good and bad days, but I will fond myself again at some point.

Yes, it was the sudden change in him that got me - from loving husband and father, to a man I didn't recognise at all. He was cold and spiteful, it was like a man I didn't know, like aliens had taken over his body. I had always been such a "smug married" before this... really never would have believed it. I guess you don't, until it happens!
Good luck OP and look after yourself.

exactly this , not sure how I will ever trust again after this. I trusted him with my life, and never doubted his loyalty once until recently.

You might not fully trust another man again but you will learn to trust yourself again and thats what will keep you safe ❤️

I am sorry that it does appear there is another woman, but on the other hand I am pleased ( and pleased isn't really the word I want ) that there is another woman as that gives a reason and it was not you - it never was to do with you - it was all him.

I am pleased ( and this time pleased is the right word ) that you have now had some legal advice, good for you ! and that the legal advice was positive.
As you can't afford it, and why should you pay for it ! as he left ! I would have him pay for the divorce.

It's very early days for you, only about a month since he moved out - keep talking to us as we are here for you.

You are doing all the right things OP. How heartbreaking for you. We do trust our partner with our life and our precious love and soul and then they can just trample all over them at the seeming flick of a switch. How can he do this to his DC is always my main puzzlement. It just shows a lack of maturity and insanely high level of selfishness (IMHO). Truly they think they are the star of the story and the family are just bit actors..Good luck

So sorry you have been through this. I can remember your first thread, where you’d asked him to be honest with you, and he had reassured you there was nothing going on.
Then he’s done the ‘sleeping on the sofa’ thing putting you through more upset.
Here’s the thing I have learned - whilst what you are going through is horrific, you are dealing with each stage as it comes along.
Many women on here have felt as you do now, and think they will be in pain forever.
But time does change that.
He has jumped out of a long marriage into some sort of escape. All of the issues he had before, whatever they were, will be buried.
He is in a new situation built on lies and someone else’s pain.
At some point who he really is will turn up. Now you loved him and knew. This woman doesn’t.
Let her find out.
I know you can’t see it now but even if things go mend with your children they will never look at him in quite the same way.
That is not a win for you but again he’s built his new fantasy escape whilst lying to his own children.

thats the thing isn’t it , there relationship is built on deceit and lies. Real life not played a part in it yet.
with dc I know they will always have one eye open with him, but I have told them , he is still their dad and they don’t have to take sides, they can have whatever conversations and relationship with him that they want, as part of me still loves the man he was and they love their dad so I can see their conflict and they don’t need to choose, but they are angry with him now and the relationship will probably never get back to what it was, but then there are consequences to his choices/ actions.

This is happening to me at the moment OP and I recognise so much of this. Husband decided to leave in early January - within two weeks he was established in a new house. I am devastated - he just became a stranger over night. He swore blind there was no-one else and I believed him but I have just found out that a very close female friend of his left her marriage at the same time as he did. I keep thinking he must be having some mental health crisis to be behaving in such a shocking way. He has destroyed his whole family. I’ve no advice to offer but huge solidarity and sympathy. There are days where I can’t stop crying and I can barely move for the pain of it all. If it weren’t for my son I don’t think I could continue.

I can remember one of my closest friends being in your position and she had a young child.
He had ‘a boy’ of money and so did his new partner. He fought her over every penny whilst living it up with the new woman.
They did stay together, over time she got used to it. Her son never really took to the bee set up. Along came more children for him.
We are in our 50’s now and guess what? After 20 years… he’s done it again! You would think these people would learn but they don’t.
Anyway, he’s now in his mum’s spare room.

so sorry to heat this as it is really really hard, its like a complete change in them. He is still denying anything but the evidence is racking up against him, no sane person would believe his lies at this time. Even now he can’t give me that truth from him, he can’t even look at me when he sees me. All we can do is get theough it day by day and so many people have been a great help, offering some good advice, so worth looking through. getting the legal advice made me feel a little better as I got to get back in control of me, as I was sitting around almost waiting for a miracle, doubting myself, blaming myself and its all on him how it ended. if he really was unhappy he should have voiced it months ago or left then , only when OW came on the scene all come out. We both have this and we will get through it

Thanks, @beingtakenforafool. Wishing you lots of peace and happiness in the years ahead. You are right - we will get through this and everyone tells me that the pain subsides eventually. xx

I know what you mean. It's like seeing a whole different reality that you didn't know existed before.

I remember telling a close friend of mine that the one thing I knew for certain was that my exH would never cheat on me! His father cheated on his mum quite spectacularly and he saw the fall out from that so I just never thought he would do the same.
But he did.

It really shocked me but with time & hindsight I can see the traits in his behaviour that I ignored before & the clues that were probably there right from the start.

You sound like a really decent but heartbroken mum. I’m sorry this has happened. Please just look after yourself and your children, remember these things do happen and it’s not your failure. My mum and dad split up at 19 years of marriage and it took a while to accept. You only have one life. I was cheated on 16 years ago and the pain was horrendous. Still hurts now occasionally but you just have to keep plodding, one foot in front of the other until one day you are the other side of this mess x

so quick update, ex and I have had some interactions trying to sort things which have not been good , and he really doesn’t bring out the best in me lately, the hurt and trauma of it all doesn’t help. Home is more peaceful though and getting used to being on my own day by day, starting to make some plans , spending time with DC . yes I still miss the man he was , not the man he is , or how his actions turn me into something I am not. We are def better off apart and I do hope in time we can be amicable for the DC sake, and then I will also know I have truly moved on. I can see the future a little more now though , and wether thats on my own or with someone new in time, I am fine with either.

You sound a lot more positive than you did over Easter weekend - 2 weeks ago.

baby steps, day by day, week by week, month by month.

You are doing so well ! you started this thread just under 2 months ago - and look at the progress you have made.

Every day is a new day.

What a fantastic update. I hope in time you continue to thrive.
You deserve it.,

hard few days as more evidence comes out about affair and now its affecting Dc and he is letting them down in so many ways, its heartbreaking to watch them suffer and see the man who put them first always, let them down so badly now and put others before them. I don’t care about me now, just them and how he is treating them. where is the man I knew gone, how can someone change and be that selfish in a matter couple months, going to start divorce proceedings as need to sort out finances as everything he promised money wise he has also back tracked on, just want to be able to move on with my life, and help the dc.
youngest did say he doesn’t even miss him at the moment as the house is more peaceful and no arguments or moaning at him. its sad as they were so close, but he has let them down so badly.

I’m so sorry, I know from experience how tough this is. Mine waited til divorce was finalised (amicably) before telling the kids about “new relationship” with his best friend, Has been lying and denying for more than a year - to “protect me” he says.
The adult kids are torn - angry with him but not wanting to lose contact with him altogether when he moves six hours away, though I fear that will happen regardless.