husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

Sorry to hear this OP. The same thing happened to me early March. Again he said nothing physical before he told me he was leaving. To be honest I feel nonchalant as to whether it was physical or not, because the outcome is still the same. Ie he left me for someone else. Really awful, I was blindsided and like someone else said, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He is an asshole.

@BippidyBoppety I’d have replied “Really? Well apparently, mine cheats on me.”

if im being kind and looking at it objectively, our marriage did have its ups and downs and when it was good it was good and when bad it was bad, but I thought we could fix things and learn and not saying I was perfect either. however leaving is one thing , leaving for someone else is what hurts more. if he was really unhappy why did he not leave before, why only when someone to run to. if he just left with no one else , we could be amicable , his children would still respect him and in time I would have truly wished him well. but the lying is what gets me, he had plenty of chances to at least be honest, shit happens but its how you deal with that in my opinion that counts, if you can acknowledge what you have done and apologise , explain and not lie that goes a long way.

I think it's that thing of not wanting to be part of the sad gits club - not wanting to admit to being the one that is looking for someone else - the one that walks away from wife / family for the shiny new toy. The Alan Rickman / Emma Thompson in Love Actually - I watch it now and that scene of her sobbing in the bedroom really resonates.

He'll be looking around for reasons to blame you, OP, for his weaknesses. Don't bite, this man is a coward.

To me it sounds like this is going to end in tears. His tears. I ‘m betting on him waking up and wondering what he’s done at some point.

Wishing you all the best OP you sound like you’re in the process of carving out a nice new life for yourself.

Sending love and hugs OP xxx keep strong xx

Nobody forced him to do this, he chose dishonesty and betrayal. Nobody has a perfect marriage and so far all I’ve seen is you taking responsibility for your half of it. He hasn’t said he put a foot wrong, so I wouldn’t pick apart how you showed up in your marriage, it’s not the reason he cheated.

Cheating is a choice where honest options are available. You’re not to blame for any of this. You could have been the wife from hell and even that doesn’t justify betrayal. If he was so very unhappy why not go? Because he wasn’t particularly unhappy until he started chasing highs provided from external sources. Then the high of secret flirting made him feel important and special and off he went, riding on his unicorn into the sunset of LaLa Land, off to save his ‘princess’ whom he is banned from seeing by the villain of the piece: you. What a hero, a prince indeed.

So, if he didn’t cheat because of you, why did he?

He cheated because he wanted to,
because he felt entitled to,
because he can’t face or deal with issues honestly and courageously,
because he’s a coward,
because he’s selfish,
because he’s betrayed his own integrity, because he can twist his reality into a pretzel in order to absolve himself of wrongdoing, because he apportions blame and responsibility instead of owning it,
because he can lie to himself and others as easily as breathing,
because he needed to reinvent himself due to a level of self-loathing he doesn’t even realise he possesses until somebody flatters and appears to validate him,
because he’s totally lost his way in life and because he’s currently being an arsehole selfishly wading through shit who thinks it’s milk and honey.
He’s responsible for the end of your marriage and the present state of it, not you.
Look forwards now and let him reap what he’s sown.

Wookie - that's so good. Really good. It's now in my diary, thank you.

@beingtakenforafool

Every marriage has its ups and downs but not every 'down' results in cheating. I recently separated from my DH of 38 years due to his drinking. At no time after his drinking spun out of control did I EVER contemplate cheating. NEVER. When I finally had enough, I left with my integrity intact.

Why didn't he leave before? Two words....home comforts. Why should he leave when you were there to cook, clean, look after the DC, and provide intimacy? Why leave and have to do all that for himself? No, much better to stay put until he could find someone else to provide all that, or at least the promise of it. You can be sure that if you hadn't found those messages, he would still be there allowing you to be his skivvy whilst he played away.

I know these are hard words to hear, but they're the truth. Nothing you may or may not have done as 'a good wife' justifies the way he has treated you.

And in future, don't bother to be 'kind'. He has not been kind to you. And when it comes to the 'financials' you can expect him to be extremely UNkind. See a solicitor and see them pronto.

ETA; TBH, my sense of time is still out of whack. I left DH 10 months ago, not 'recently'.

they really do seem to follow the same script, all his financial promises he has backed down on , well just ignored. He is like someone none of us knows , not even just to me. Obsessed with this new women foe man that wanted to have his own space and sort himself out , he has jumped right in to a fulll on committed relationship , its funny seeing him pretend to enjoy things I know he actually doesn’t , trying to be something he is not. meanwhile im still recoveeing ans couldn’t think of anything worse than starting a new relationship until I fund me again .

Mine did the same
Claimed he wanted space, yearned to live alone, said he never wanted to live with anyone again.
Soon had a new woman & she moved on in.

I don't envy him though, I really don't think I could share a bed (or a TV!) again...

@beingtakenforafool

Oh, reneging on all the promises of "I'll look after you and the kids", "You won't want for anything" and "I will be generous in the settlement" is all done to salve their consciences and to make for an 'easy exit'. Then once they're gone those promises melt away like snow in the spring.

I do want to warn you (if it hasn't started already) after the 'disappearing promises' usually comes nastiness and stinginess and often hiding money. This is ofttimes abetted by the OW as she has a vested interest in him having 'healthy' finances. So you need to see a solicitor ASAP. The best defense is a good offense. I'm not saying you have to 'file anything' just that you need to learn what divorce may mean to you and how to come away with a fair and equitable settlement.

OP he’s still in the first two years phase. Enjoying the new and reinventing himself. You and the children are nothing more than a reminder of his guilt and an awkward bit of logistics while he’s in this phase.
The best relationships for women are loyal and respectful ones where both partners stay with their spouse and raise and support their own children. The second best are just being on your own and enjoying the love and respect of your children and focusing on yourself and your friends. You didn’t get the first but the second option is actually fantastic. I am so happy to be on my own and not have to put up with what some people have to. His affair partner can enjoy her ‘prize’ in slower time.
My ex’s final AP left him after a while and he’s alone and lonely now. You sound great and you’ll be fine.

When my ex finally filed for divorce - 8 years after moving out, and 4 years after meeting the woman he is now with - there was a lot of hiding stuff.

• An account I knew he had wasn't submitted
• He stated he needed half the funds from the sale of the marital home to buy a small place of his own
• Vehicles he purchased were put in her name
• ISA he had (from money left to me by my Mum when she died) was gone

I didn't file for divorce, said firmly I was done with picking up after him and sorting out his sh*t. I can only guess at the new girlfriends reaction when she found out he was still technically married.

• Our mediator didn't follow through on the missing bank account (Covid meant a lot of stuff wasn't available)
• I pointed out ExH had moved in with the new girlfriend. He said it was "to help with her kids through Covid" and he wasn't there all the time. I said, mate, your car is outside her house on Google Maps. I asked the mediator to clarify where he paid council tax - mediator didn't follow through. The new girlfriend offered (through the mediator) to supply a letter to say he didn't live there. Note, his cars are still on the newest Google Maps.
• How did I know vehicles were in her name? Because he had the log books in her name sent to the marital home ....
• Couldn't get information on when the ISA £ was taken - Covid, again.

I was home from work once dreadfully ill, heard a car outside and saw ExH and the new girlfriend driving away, obviously thought I'd be at work, were going to come in then saw my car in the driveway. That one really upset me.

He bullied me relentlessly; I absolutely don't recognise the guy I spent 26+ years with. He's an awful human being. The worst - when he moved in with the new girlfriend he took our family dog (I said if he moved away from the local area he had to as, me working full time leaving at 8am getting home at 7pm, dog wasn't getting the attention / walks dog needed - if I needed to work late, train delays; I was living just for dog). 18 months later I found dog had been submitted to a dog rescue close to the girlfriends home - 12 years old and (rescuers facebook post) in chronic back pain. I still sob over that one.

That is absolutely horrendous.
Stealing money left by your mum?
Doing that to your dog?
Special place in hell reserved for him.

The money left to me by my Mum went into the joint account, about 3 years before I found out about other women. He opened an ISA in his name - I said, what about me? Him - oh, right, I'll get around to it. 3 years later and he hadn't ... and was messaging other women (I saw lots of calls to one woman on his mobile phone bills, and some to other women he worked with, fishing around). What I didn't know was he'd built up £24,000 in debt. I had no idea. That's where some of the £ left to me by Mum went. And then, literally 2 months before I found out about the messages, he stood over me and, jabbing his finger at the form, insisted I co-sign for a £10,000 bank loan to "pay off credit cards" (there was about £600 on my card, rest on his. I said no, we aren't getting on, I don't want to. The most almighty rage off him, slamming doors, absolute rage. Like an idiot I signed. I was co-paying that off for the next 10 years. Hateful man. I can look back and see so many times when I've backed down, keep the peace, don't anger him, be "a good wife". Stupid stupid stupid.

He abandoned the dog the same week - the same week - as the offer on the marital home was accepted. He knew I'd have taken the dog back, rather than see that happen to her. I did track the dog down, sort of - found someone who knew the (blessings on them) couple that took the dog on. But they were unwilling to give her up (I guess they worried about the sort of person who would do that) and I had to move into a rental when the house sold as I couldn't find anywhere to go in the (seriously) 7 week exchange sale (to beat the Covid stamp duty tax window). Honestly, I wonder sometimes how I'm still here ... mini stroke moving everything into storage, finding out about the dog, emptying the house.

OP your ex is a nasty piece of work you are better off without him .So sorry to also read about your poor dog

yes the nastimess has happened already. blaming me for a lot, ai will take the blame for any part that was mone, but I didn’t lie and cheat. claims we have both been unhappy for years etc etc , again of that was the case for me , I didn’t go looking for someone else, and was mot how I see things. I genuinely loved him and trusted him etc. He ended it on a brutal way and is showing no compassion with the aftermath either. however I think its quite sad he can’t just be on his own and has to have someone. Meanwhile I will learn to heal and find/ like myself again and I won’t be relying on someone else to make me happy. I also knowi have not let our kids down and they will always be a priority to me. we are all closer than ever due to this. His behaviour now continues to just push them further away as he is not being a decent person.

Yes, because he has to make himself 'blameless' and 'the victim'. So he's going to rewrite history or spin the truth into something worse than it is. All you can do is refuse to engage and use that wonderful phrase "Recollections may vary".

No, he's not being a decent person. So it's best to expect the worst and to take what preparations you can to guard yourself, your children, and your finances.

Have you seen a solicitor yet? If not, that should be your next step.

no but we have no assets other than pension and his is bigger so I will get some of that,hoping to do online divorce and he pays , then just pay for financial order. have had some free advice through work. but no house, both have cheapish car each , i have stayed in rented house and left most of furniture, with help from adult dc rent we can afford to stay in house

I would definitely get advice on the financial stuff - even though it's only the pension that he has now, if his earning potential is greater than yours and you have been disadvantaged because of child rearing, there's a possibility that you can get a better settlement than you currently think. I believe advice is to not divorce without getting the financial settlement sorted first but this might vary from case to case. Either way, I wouldn't do anything without checking it's your safest move first.

I’ve been following your thread and updates and just wanted to say my heart really goes out to you. I’ve been through something very similar.
My exH was awful to me for about a year, all the while insisting nothing was wrong. I even ended up crying in Disneyworld he was so cold. In the end, out of sheer desperation, I looked at his phone and found messages with a colleague. He left, but still maintained he wasn’t seeing her. Five months later, he suddenly announced his 'new' relationship.
What really hurt at the time was watching, in those first few months, how happy he seemed, going out, having a great time, even spending time with people who had been our friends. It felt like my whole world had fallen apart while his carried on as if nothing had happened.
Eventually, I realised it was only making things worse, so I stopped looking at social media and focused on rebuilding myself and my life with my DD. It wasn’t easy, but it was the turning point for me.
If it’s any consolation, five years on they’ve split up (he cheated on her as well), and I’m now about to get married again. I’m genuinely happier than I ever was in my marriage.
It feels bleak now, I know but you will be OK. 💛

@beingtakenforafool

I don't know about the UK, but in the US pension valuations and splits can be pretty complicated. I agree with @Aiming4Optimistic , it can't hurt to take legal advice.

And you want to be sure that you end up with a 'clean break', especially when it comes to finances. You don't want to take the chance that he can come back and demand money if you 'win the lottery' or file for spousal support if he should lose his job.

You can always sketch something out that is agreeable to you, but then take it to a solicitor for a review as to whether or not it's equitable and that all the 'i's have been dotted and the 't's have been crossed. Better safe than sorry.

Sending love i am going through this right now and worried this is going to happen and feeling every emotion going. My post is on the board at moment im glad you are happy 🫂