husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

Oh my dear. This mess is not of your making, and your concern for your children is lovely. But you do matter too. I know it doesnt feel like it now, but you are the lucky one, you have your home your kids and your integrity. He has a shiny new relationship which may very well not stand the tests of time, and real life. Either way, at some point your husband will have to face the pain he has caused you and your children.
Hold your head up high, and look for the small joys in life, dress for you, eat the food you like, start thinking about how you would like this next chapter to look. You may well find that you flourish. Women give so much of themselves to their partners. Men generally are the beneficiaries, and give much less. Who knows how your life will change if you start putting all that love and care into your well being, not his. And the money will sort, maybe you are eligible for help with the rent, maybe you can up your hours, or get a small second job.
Whatever you do though, please make sure that you spend at least 5 hours a week on something just for you. I go swimming. I love it, how will you spend yours?

Totally agree with @Zebracat

It will feel weird at first thinking of yourself, doing things for yourself, making plans for yourself. However, you will eventually experience a sense of lightness and joy (probably sooner than you expect) and your DCs will certainly notice the change. As your DS has already confirmed; home is nicer now.

I do go to a couple fitness classes with different friends and go to the gym on my own once a week. have been making a point of meeting some friends for a coffee or a walk, have the dog as well so get out most days with him. I am trying to work on myself and have thought a bar job at weekend may help financially wise, and also keep me social at a weekend. trying to put me first , but still reeling about the massive change in him, friends and family are is disbelief also , its like he has had a personality change or is under a spell.

Aw I'm sorry things have turned out like this.

Some men are just shit bags.

I'm not at all surprised that he's pulling back on the financials. It's like these men have a playbook for having an affair and screwing their wives over.

Bastards.

Good for you, you are doing all the right things. But naturally, he’s still living rent free in your head. There will come a time, and it may not be very long at all, when you will know that you would never take him back, and that you’re happier without him. He and his exciting new person, are unlikely to survive, but if they do it may be because they deserve each other, she may be as self absorbed and lacking in principles as him. They can spend the rest of their relationship worrying they’ll get dumped for someone new. Bleurgh. Chin up!

Gave yourself away with the "ball and chain" comment. Not our fault your ex wife hates you dude.

Yes, didn't he.

My dad did this. My parents split many years ago for another woman. Overnight she was his everything. It was awful but over many years we realised despite all the devastation to the rest of the family it turned out ok. So sad for you all though x

@beingtakenforafool

how can someone change and be that selfish in a matter couple months, going to start divorce proceedings as need to sort out finances as everything he promised money wise he has also back tracked on, just want to be able to move on with my life, and help the dc.

This is all a part of his 'self-victimization'. He is punishing you because he refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and punish the correct person, himself.

youngest did say he doesn’t even miss him at the moment as the house is more peaceful and no arguments or moaning at him.

And this tells you just about everything you need to know. You and DC are better off without him, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

hard few days as more evidence comes out about affair

Are these things that are coming out on their own or is this evidence that you are somehow 'seeking'. Because if the latter, stop. You know the truth, you need no further evidence. And if these are things that other people are telling you, tell them to stop. It's hurtful and serves no purpose.

evidence coming out on its own, not that I am seeking.
have done some positive things, booked a week away visiting a friend in a few weeks. been out for coffee with some people not caught up with in a while. had a rare night out meal and some drinks. its still really hard but have more good days than bad now. have finally realised as well I would not have him back now as too much has happened and reflecting on relationship , although I loved him , It prob wasn’t as good as it should have been. financially still hard but tweaking things and his promise to pay some things never happened so we are on our own unless he has a change of heart on this. my children have also been great throughout this , but also very hurt by his behaviours but we are becoming a good team at home

If the evidence is coming out on its own and just sort of appears I guess there's nothing you can really do about it.

It's good that you're getting out and socializing. That's really important.

I remember that realization of "he could do a 180 and I still wouldn't have him back, too much water under the bridge". My marriage was more good than bad, but with DH it was his drinking that did us in. And when I look back now (with new eyes) I can also see some things about our marriage in a different light than when I was smack in the middle of them. So like you, I'm reflecting on things and trying to understand them from a 'learning' point of view.

It's always best to never rely on them for anything, especially financially. That's why it's important to see a solicitor and get the best settlement you can get. Not a vengeful "take him to the cleaners" (although that's fine too lol), but just that you get what you're entitled to under the law and that it's sewed up right and tight.

You're doing great and you will get through this. I'm getting through my 'changes', a few scratches and a couple scars so far, but I'll get through this, same as you.

Reading through this thread is helping me. Thank you 💐 I hope you're doing ok op

well finally came out he is in a relationship with this women, but he didn’t have an affair apparently, yet few weeks after moving out ( when he also said he was unsure and open to coming back) he was seen with her and just several weeks later witb her. do these men think just because something physical may not have happened until they move out it does’t count, also only leave when someone is in the background.

Oh babe I am sorry.

Sadly men like this dont leave until they are onto a sure thing, so its been going on long enough for him to throw away everything. What is so tragi-comic is that they dont realise that announcing the "new" relationship so soon is shocking, because to them "its been a year!!" or however long. They dont cop on to the fact that announcing "I didnt have an affair but I am in love with [new woman] and we are moving in together" is the Red Arrows spelling out "I WAS SHAGGING SOMEONE ELSE" to the rest of the world.

But dont worry too much, you will blossom and he will wilt. Ask me how I know!

Oh and I would cheerfully put £50 on him asking to come back before Christmas.