husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

Oh my dear. This mess is not of your making, and your concern for your children is lovely. But you do matter too. I know it doesnt feel like it now, but you are the lucky one, you have your home your kids and your integrity. He has a shiny new relationship which may very well not stand the tests of time, and real life. Either way, at some point your husband will have to face the pain he has caused you and your children.
Hold your head up high, and look for the small joys in life, dress for you, eat the food you like, start thinking about how you would like this next chapter to look. You may well find that you flourish. Women give so much of themselves to their partners. Men generally are the beneficiaries, and give much less. Who knows how your life will change if you start putting all that love and care into your well being, not his. And the money will sort, maybe you are eligible for help with the rent, maybe you can up your hours, or get a small second job.
Whatever you do though, please make sure that you spend at least 5 hours a week on something just for you. I go swimming. I love it, how will you spend yours?

Totally agree with @Zebracat

It will feel weird at first thinking of yourself, doing things for yourself, making plans for yourself. However, you will eventually experience a sense of lightness and joy (probably sooner than you expect) and your DCs will certainly notice the change. As your DS has already confirmed; home is nicer now.

I do go to a couple fitness classes with different friends and go to the gym on my own once a week. have been making a point of meeting some friends for a coffee or a walk, have the dog as well so get out most days with him. I am trying to work on myself and have thought a bar job at weekend may help financially wise, and also keep me social at a weekend. trying to put me first , but still reeling about the massive change in him, friends and family are is disbelief also , its like he has had a personality change or is under a spell.

Aw I'm sorry things have turned out like this.

Some men are just shit bags.

I'm not at all surprised that he's pulling back on the financials. It's like these men have a playbook for having an affair and screwing their wives over.

Bastards.

Good for you, you are doing all the right things. But naturally, he’s still living rent free in your head. There will come a time, and it may not be very long at all, when you will know that you would never take him back, and that you’re happier without him. He and his exciting new person, are unlikely to survive, but if they do it may be because they deserve each other, she may be as self absorbed and lacking in principles as him. They can spend the rest of their relationship worrying they’ll get dumped for someone new. Bleurgh. Chin up!

Gave yourself away with the "ball and chain" comment. Not our fault your ex wife hates you dude.

Yes, didn't he.

My dad did this. My parents split many years ago for another woman. Overnight she was his everything. It was awful but over many years we realised despite all the devastation to the rest of the family it turned out ok. So sad for you all though x

@beingtakenforafool

how can someone change and be that selfish in a matter couple months, going to start divorce proceedings as need to sort out finances as everything he promised money wise he has also back tracked on, just want to be able to move on with my life, and help the dc.

This is all a part of his 'self-victimization'. He is punishing you because he refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and punish the correct person, himself.

youngest did say he doesn’t even miss him at the moment as the house is more peaceful and no arguments or moaning at him.

And this tells you just about everything you need to know. You and DC are better off without him, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

hard few days as more evidence comes out about affair

Are these things that are coming out on their own or is this evidence that you are somehow 'seeking'. Because if the latter, stop. You know the truth, you need no further evidence. And if these are things that other people are telling you, tell them to stop. It's hurtful and serves no purpose.

evidence coming out on its own, not that I am seeking.
have done some positive things, booked a week away visiting a friend in a few weeks. been out for coffee with some people not caught up with in a while. had a rare night out meal and some drinks. its still really hard but have more good days than bad now. have finally realised as well I would not have him back now as too much has happened and reflecting on relationship , although I loved him , It prob wasn’t as good as it should have been. financially still hard but tweaking things and his promise to pay some things never happened so we are on our own unless he has a change of heart on this. my children have also been great throughout this , but also very hurt by his behaviours but we are becoming a good team at home

If the evidence is coming out on its own and just sort of appears I guess there's nothing you can really do about it.

It's good that you're getting out and socializing. That's really important.

I remember that realization of "he could do a 180 and I still wouldn't have him back, too much water under the bridge". My marriage was more good than bad, but with DH it was his drinking that did us in. And when I look back now (with new eyes) I can also see some things about our marriage in a different light than when I was smack in the middle of them. So like you, I'm reflecting on things and trying to understand them from a 'learning' point of view.

It's always best to never rely on them for anything, especially financially. That's why it's important to see a solicitor and get the best settlement you can get. Not a vengeful "take him to the cleaners" (although that's fine too lol), but just that you get what you're entitled to under the law and that it's sewed up right and tight.

You're doing great and you will get through this. I'm getting through my 'changes', a few scratches and a couple scars so far, but I'll get through this, same as you.

Reading through this thread is helping me. Thank you 💐 I hope you're doing ok op

well finally came out he is in a relationship with this women, but he didn’t have an affair apparently, yet few weeks after moving out ( when he also said he was unsure and open to coming back) he was seen with her and just several weeks later witb her. do these men think just because something physical may not have happened until they move out it does’t count, also only leave when someone is in the background.

Oh babe I am sorry.

Sadly men like this dont leave until they are onto a sure thing, so its been going on long enough for him to throw away everything. What is so tragi-comic is that they dont realise that announcing the "new" relationship so soon is shocking, because to them "its been a year!!" or however long. They dont cop on to the fact that announcing "I didnt have an affair but I am in love with [new woman] and we are moving in together" is the Red Arrows spelling out "I WAS SHAGGING SOMEONE ELSE" to the rest of the world.

But dont worry too much, you will blossom and he will wilt. Ask me how I know!

Oh and I would cheerfully put £50 on him asking to come back before Christmas.

well apparently he was unhappy for a few years and thinking of leaving for months, but funnily enough only left when someone else on scene, if he had left because he was unhappy months before to be om his own then fair enough, it would have hurt but I would have respected that and been amicable with him going forward etc, but no he only went when someone in side wings. Part of me is relieved though as shows my gut instinct was right and I am not some paranoid , crazy person like I was being made out to be.

i know exactly what you mean about the validation of your gut feeling. My ex left a 30 yr marriage and waited til divorce was finalised before he told adult kids about his “new” relationship with a former colleague who he had said was “just a friend”.
They don’t want to be the bad guy and as you say think they weren’t cheating if it wasn’t physical til after separation - though in my case I’m not even sure that’s true.
im so sorry you’re going through this. It hurts like hell and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Sorry to hear this.
What a weak man he is to blatantly lie to your face that there was no one else.
If only these men could be honest and act like adults!

I hope you are ok. You will feel a sense of relief to finally know the truth but there is pain to be worked through so don't be surprised if you feel worse before you feel better.

You will get through it though xx

i guess i won’t fully know if physical for sure but think likely not, but also likely phyisical whilst he was still supposedly working things out to hopefully come back, but then now saying checked out ages ago

I read this thread today after reading a recent one with another poster in the same position.
It is absolutely mad that these men use the same tired playbook.
Men don’t leave a wife and a home for a woman they haven’t slept with yet, I am afraid. They don’t work like that.
I am sorry that’s the blatant truth and it’s so, so hurtful.

I’m so sorry OP. Of course he was having a full blown affair, don’t bother wondering if it was physical or not because I’d bet my house that it was, they make sure of a lot of things before they leave. It really doesn’t matter, the lying and history rewriting is far worse than him having trousers which detach themselves from him at the drop of a hat. That’s more cringeworthy than anything else. Shame on both of them.
Don’t listen to the bullshit either, it’s a weak, desperate man trying to hold onto a ‘good’ self-image, which he knows is in absolute tatters.
The bullshit is him trying to drown out his conscience and the fact that Jiminy Cricket on his shoulder isn’t so much whispering “Well, what a dishonest, cowardly shit you turned out to be.” in his ear, as yelling it at the top of his yap.
Look forward now, not backwards. Head high, you’re much, much better than he is and did nothing wrong.
Amazing how suddenly with their feet under another table they find the courage to tell you they were allegedly ‘unhappy’ for months or years but for some unfathomable reason they couldn’t say it back then.
Pathetic and so, so predictable, that if this stuff didn’t do so much harm, he’d be bloody funny.
Forwards, onwards, one step at a time, each step and each day taking you closer to a brighter future without him and his bullshit stinking up your life.
Take great care of yourself OP. X

Totally agree. It’s so predictable it’s scary. They come up with pretty much the same “I’ve been unhappy for months.” crap on every thread I read. Like it excuses it!
If you put the boot on the other foot, I scratch my head and wonder if anyone reads this site, why the hell they’d ever have an affair. Why they’d believe a married man/ woman who is clearly invested in trying to convince you they’re a nice person, knowing that you know they’re lying to everyone who cares about them. I have no idea how the hell they convince themselves, often with swathes of evidence to the contrary, that they’re not being lied to and in la-la land.
I don’t get why they can’t see what’s in front of them and why secret relationships seem to wipe otherwise sensible men and women’s brains, so that they believe every word of what ultimately is the same script, same scenario and often plays out the same way. Their bullshit reasoning pans out the same way and they can make shit fly so effectively by lying to themselves that they construct a whole airline of it.
There’s none so blind as those who refuse to see, I guess.

Ah, when I found out (he used a very obvious password after locking me out of the computer "by accident") ...

Him - (accusingly) = I've been miserable for years.
Me ... Like I've been holding him hostage?

Him - (in wistful voice) = I've had my eyes opened (with her being this sad little thing relying on his big shoulders to cry on and him being the big manly man)
Me ... Haven't we all pal!

Him - (indignant) = You don't understand, her husband hits her!
Me ... goggle eyed in not comprehending that actually he is the hero in this story.

@beingtakenforafool

OK, so now it's all out in the open. I know you have so many questions, all of which will likely remain unanswered, or any answers given will be regarded with great suspicion (as they should be).

The big question is; where do you go from here? May I make a suggestion? You go to a solicitor.

Now is the time to start looking forward, not wasting your time looking back. Remember, he's way ahead of you on this road, you're just taking your first steps on it. Don't think he hasn't been thinking of how best to keep as much and pay as little as he can when it comes to a divorce. And he has OW encouraging him in that.

Time for you to start playing catch up. And there will be plenty of time later on if you still want to dissect things. Although it's not likely you'll ever get straight answers from him. As PPs say, he doesn't want to admit to what he did. He needs to be the victim in all of this. So don't be surprised if/when he turns nasty.

Focus on YOU.

Oh @BippidyBoppety - Mine was almost word-for-word with that post-discovery, except:

Him: Her husband is abusive

Me: Oh really, does he hit her then?

Him (without a hint of irony): No, he's manipulative and controlling.

I honestly don't know how I kept a straight face. But his AP definitely jumped from the frying pan into the fire! I should send her flowers and a thank-you card for taking him off my hands.

@beingtakenforafool Wishing you strength and patience, you'll get through this and realise life is so much better on the other side.